Grief can be an insurmountable part of life.
Losing a child has no reason to it.
And trying to figure out that kind of grief has no rulebook.
So it can often lead to plenty of misunderstanding.
Case in point…
Redditor pr1ncessazula wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for still having my daughter’s first birthday party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Okay, here’s the background: my (24 F[emale]) friend (24 F) and I gave birth on the same day.”
“Her due date was supposed to be 2 months later but her baby came early.”
‘We were both so excited.”
“Unfortunately, 6 months ago her baby passed on.”
“I cannot begin to imagine her pain.”
“I have tried to be there for her as best I could.”
“She just wants to be left alone most of the time, which I understand.”
“Now, onto the issue…”
“My daughter’s birthday is coming up in September.”
“And we plan to invite close friends and family to her birthday party.”
“I texted her before invites were sent out, saying ‘I wanted to let you know my daughter’s birthday party is (on said date).”
“And I just wanted to let you know you’re invited, no pressure on you to come at all.”
“She texted me back saying… ‘Oh no thanks, I’ll be at my daughter’s grave that day.'”
“‘You know, the one that will never have a first birthday. F**k off.'”
“She told our other friends how pissed she is at me for even inviting her and that it’s awful that I’m still celebrating this day.”
“And they kind of see her side, saying I could have been more sensitive.”
“My husband doesn’t think i did anything wrong and it’s just grief talking.”
“AITA for inviting her?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“Honestly, I feel like you were screwed either way.”
“If you didn’t invite her your friends (and her) probably would have thought you were being presumptuous by making the decision for her.”
“You messaging her personally so she wouldn’t get blindsided by an invitation was likely the right call unless she (or someone else) has talked to you about keeping a distance.”
“If your friends mention it, ask what you could’ve done to be more sensitive- if they have better ideas, use them.”
“NTA I agree with your husband that this is grief talking.”
“I can’t imagine how angry I’d be at the world in her shoes, let alone the extra torture of watching a friend go through the milestones I’d never get to see.” ~ KintsugiMind
“Yeah. I feel horrible for the friend.”
“I can’t bring myself to call her an AH, because if we’re all being totally honest, I’m not sure many of us would have been civil with OP, given the circumstances.”
“I agree that OP was probably in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.”
“But, I’m sure OP’s invite for the friend to come to her kid’s bday party, while said friend is mourning her own daughter, must have stung.” ~ Electrical-Date-3951
“The way I see it, labeling someone TA in this sub means that they were in the wrong in this scenario.”
“But not necessarily that they are AN a** in the big picture.”
“The friend was in the wrong here.”
“She has a damn good explanation, and we can hope she will realize her error after some time, but as is stated many times here, explanation is not excuse.”
“She was wrong. NTA is valid.” ~ unikittyRage
“It is so hard when you’re in the very deepest pit of your grief to not ask ‘why me, instead of them.'”
“I really don’t think there is anything OP can do that will be considered ‘right’ by her friend.”
“OP you’ve done nothing wrong and I hope you have a really really lovely birthday party.”
“Your friend is not the same person right now, she can’t help it and it’s not her fault, but I would recommend just staying out her line of fire.”
“Anger/rage feels so much better than the wretched sadness she’s going through, which is why she’s so quick to lash out, don’t make yourself an outlet for it.” ~ yokononope
“I don’t see anything that specifically mentions that OP daughter’s birthday is on the day her friend’s child died.”
“She just said that she would be at the gravesite.”
“I think it’s definitely one of those darn if you do darn if you don’t moments, like several commentators have said.”
“We are all sorry for your friend’s loss OP. NTA.” ~ TechnicianPerfect1
“The only way I could see following up is a text explaining your intentions.”
“If I was in the situation, I’d probably send something like: ‘I realized how callous my message came across and I am so sorry for how much it hurt you.'”
“‘I felt like I should inform you about the party before sending invitations.'”
“‘I also didn’t want you to feel uninvited despite understanding why you wouldn’t want to attend.'”
“‘I realize now I could have assumed incorrectly. At the least, I should have approached that very differently.'”
“‘I could have at least asked how you were doing first, if there was anything we could do for you on that day, or something.'”
‘”I’m really sorry again for how much that text message hurt you.'”
“‘I will try harder to be more thoughtful of you in the future.'”
‘”But please let me know if there are any specific ways you’d like me to handle this going forward.'”
“You could even suggest to your friends that they all do something graveside for your friend’s daughter that day.”
“But have them bring it up/ask if she’d like you there.”
“Since, well, having you present at the graveside when you have your daughter could provide a bad reminder.”
“Please remember that you have done nothing wrong for celebrating your daughter.”
“Your daughter deserves to be celebrated for her life even if your friend’s daughter doesn’t get to.”
“It’s just… your friend may not be capable of remaining your friend in the short term.”
“Or even long term.”
“I’m sure you understand why, but please know that it isn’t your fault anymore than this is her fault.” ~ anastrianna35139
“Not an AH for having the celebration but the choice of weirdly neutral language when discussing such a painful date in OP’s message was hard to read. No pressure?”
“What about no expectation and how can I support you?”
“It’s strange to me how many commenters think that message wasn’t partially to blame for friend’s lashing out.”
“OP carefully Sidestepped any mention of friend’s actual loss or grief. And I get it.”
“Death is uncomfortable. You don’t know what to say.”
“But OP chose text and had the opportunity to offer something more than an invite and ‘no pressure.'” ~ Ladyughsalot1
“The only other way I can think to approach it that would possibly have been softer for the friend, (big emphasis on possibly) would be by starting the conversation with some gentle inquiring as to how she’s been holding up.”
“And, depending upon her reaction, if they were planning anything in remembrance of their child.”
“It might have been clear from the first question that an invite wouldn’t be appropriate.”
“And at the least it’s approaching her with the focus on her loss rather than OP’s celebration (not that it was ever intended that way, but it may have felt that way to friend).”
“She might have also not been happy with that either of course.”
“Either way though, NTA. It’s a really difficult situation.” ~ Chippyyyyyy
“This. There was no winning in this scenario.”
“You don’t invite her and she’s offended.”
“You do invite her and you’re labeled as insensitive.”
“She is wrong to deem you awful for celebrating your child’s birthday and she also didn’t need to lash out like that at your invite.”
“I’d chalk it up to her grief and give her space.”
“I’d also avoid and shut down any mutual friends attempts to discuss it.”
“They shouldn’t be taking sides here, and you don’t need to defend yourself and feed into this.” ~ Gold-Somewhere1770
“I agree with this assessment.”
“The only thing I’d add is that maybe she was looking for more of an acknowledgement that the 1 year mark will be very painful for her.”
“E.g. ‘I know we’ll be spending this day in very different ways, please know that I’m thinking of you.'”
“OP is absolutely NTA but if this friendship is important, perhaps let her know the door is open and she still has your support?” ~ CrabRepresentative50
OP… Reddit is with you.
It’s an impossible situation.
But your daughter is alive and deserves a birthday.
So celebrate, and let’s all keep your friend in our thoughts.