We can all agree that it’s great for family members to have each other’s backs and for family in general to be there for one another when times are hard.
But when you cheat on your wife and break up your family, expecting your family to be there for you when you’re struggling kind of goes out the window, shrugged the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor YourMely was nineteen, finishing her college degree, working, and generally looking forward to her future. That was, whenever her father and his mistress weren’t expecting her to babysit her three half-siblings and act as their “backup mom.”
When she finally said enough was enough and that she was not responsible for the children they decided to have, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her father accused her of being selfish and immature for not helping his affair partner with her three young children.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to babysit my half-siblings and telling my dad I’m not their ‘backup mom’?”
The OP’s father broke up their family when he had a messy affair.
“My parents divorced when I was 12 because my dad cheated on my mom with a younger woman, Emily (now 31 Female, then 24).”
“It was a messy, ugly divorce, and my relationship with my dad has been strained ever since.”
“He married Emily pretty quickly, and they now have three kids all under the age of five.”
“Ever since the kids were born, he’s been constantly asking me to ‘help out’ with babysitting.”
The OP didn’t want to be held responsible for her father’s and mistress’s mistakes.
“I live with my mom and go to college full-time while working part-time to cover my expenses.”
“Despite that, my dad calls me almost every week, begging me to come over and ‘bond with my siblings’ by babysitting. He says Emily is overwhelmed and needs a break.”
“I honestly don’t care. I never wanted siblings, and I’m still not over the fact that his affair blew up our family.”
“I’ve told him I’m busy with school and work, but he keeps guilt-tripping me, saying things like, ‘Family takes care of family.'”
Her father shamed her when she pointed out that it wasn’t her job to babysit.
“Last weekend, he called again, practically demanding I babysit because Emily had a ‘mental breakdown.'”
“I lost it. I told him, ‘I’m not your backup mom. You chose to have more kids, and that’s not my responsibility.'”
“He got quiet and then said, ‘I thought you were more mature than this,’ before hanging up on me.”
“Now, both he and Emily have been sending me messages, calling me selfish and saying that I’m abandoning my family.”
“My grandma even chimed in, saying I should ‘help my father in his time of need.’ But I feel like he’s just trying to dump his problems on me because he made bad choices.”
“My mom thinks I did the right thing, but now half my family is p**sed at me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it wasn’t her job to clean up her father’s mess.
“Your dad is putting too much on your shoulders. He created this situation by cheating, marrying Emily, and having three young kids with her, and now he’s expecting you to clean up his mess.”
“It’s not your job to parent his kids or step in for Emily. You’re allowed to focus on your own life and not take on his responsibilities. Stick to your boundaries and don’t feel guilty.” – Impressive_Rub_7054
“Your dad seems to be manipulating the situation, using guilt and family obligations to pressure you. You’ve expressed that you don’t want to be involved with your half-siblings, and that’s perfectly valid.”
“He chose to have more kids with someone else, and now that there’s a problem, he’s trying to push the burden onto you.”
“Your decision to stand up for yourself was brave, and you have every right to refuse. Don’t let the rest of the family make you feel bad for setting a boundary that protects your time and energy. It’s not your job to fix his problems.” – No_Form8498
“Here are my replies:”
“Emily: I am sorry you can’t cope with the results of your wh*ring behavior. You are an adult, and you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Do not contact me again.”
“Dad: I am not your babysitter, and I want a relationship with only you, not the results of you destroying our family. I thought you were more mature than this.”
“NTA.” – XgisMrs
“NTA. Your half siblings are not your kids, you are not responsible for them, and your dad is being the AH.”
“He is trying to guilt trip you into looking after his kids that he decided to have! He is also driving a wedge between you and your half-siblings, preventing you from forming a proper bond with them in your own time.”
“If Emily is having such a hard time, maybe they should look at getting some paid help… or your grandma can help as she’s so involved and opinionated about this situation.” – CurrentConference310
“You don’t live with him (as in, he’s not feeding and sheltering you, not that would make it your responsibility), and you’re a legal adult,t and he’s not paying child support, either. He’s not responsible for you in any sense, and you’re not responsible for him or his kids either.”
“He does know he can pay money to hire a babysitter, right? Is he smart enough to figure that out?” – ontario-guy
“Not the AH. Your dad is a huge cheating AH, and so is his affair partner. They need to take care of their own kids.”
“You focus on you, your job, your schooling, and your mom.”
“And let the family be mad. They should volunteer to help out if ‘family helps family.’ NTA.” – dodoatsandwiggets
“NTA. And accusing OP of being immature?!?!? He is the one trying to emotionally manipulate his own daughter to get free childcare!”
“She is laying firm boundaries. She politely declined enough times that he should have received the message, but his continued badgering resulted in her having to be more direct. That is ALL on him!”
“And, it would appear, the only family taking his side are his family members. Shocker. I highly doubt her family on mom’s side would be encouraging OP to set herself on fire to keep dad warm after everything he’s done.”
“OP, do not feel guilty or waste another thought on this. You have school, a job, and your whole future to worry about. You don’t need to be playing nanny to a bunch of half-siblings you never wanted in your life to begin with.”
“If your dad’s affair partner is having a tough time, that’s karma coming to bite her for being a homewrecker. Those two deserve each other, and they can figure out their own problems themselves.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
Others pointed out that family only “took care of family” when it suited the OP’s dad.
“NTA. ‘But family!’ is pretty rich coming from a guy and side chick who broke up his family.”
“He made a series of choices: cheating, divorce, having more kids, etc. He can deal with the consequences.” – mommacrossx3
“‘Family takes care of family,’ except he didn’t think that way when he was cheating on his wife and blew up his family. NTA, OP.” – Mirabai503
“‘I thought you were more mature than that’?!”
“Well, maybe you thought he would be mature enough not to cheat on his wife with a 24-year-old, but here we are seven years later. The audacity of talking maturity while being a cheater, lousy husband, and parent. F**k that guy. NTA.” – zombie-appetizer
“It’s noteworthy that he’s particularly using the ‘You’re abandoning your family’ excuse, which is quite ironic coming from a man (I should say ‘boy’ as he’s not worthy of being called a man) who himself abandoned his first family!”
“My response would have been, ‘Hmm, I wonder where I learned that from.'” – cgm824
“Where was all this ‘family takes care of family’ s**t while your dad was betraying the whole family by cheating on your mother? He didn’t do a very good job of taking care of you then.”
“Your dad and his affair partner seem to just be two people who make bad decisions.”
“They decided to cheat, not caring about your mother or you, instead of ending the relationship the right way first. They decided to have three children they are obviously not equipped to handle.”
“Tell them to stop and think before they make any more dumb choices. You aren’t here to clean up their messes. He’s lucky he even has a relationship with you, so he shouldn’t push it.”
“If my dad did that to my mom, I’d probably go no contact. I do know that there is no way I would lift a finger to help his affair partner, nor would I acknowledge her existence. NTA.” – Aggravating-Plum8147
“NTA. You’re right, they chose to have three more kids. That’s on them. They need to work out their own crap.”
“Grandma sounds like she’s volunteering, though. Give Emily her number.”
“And then block them. But before you do, let them know that you are blocking them because they are preventing you from working on your studies and performing in your job.”
“Tell them while you commiserate that they are stressed, it is not your place to be the parent. If they need a break, they should hire a babysitter and pay money so that they can have some time away. Alternately, your dad can step up so that Emily can have a spa day.”
“But it is not your responsibility. NTA.” – Dark54g
While the subReddit could empathize that having multiple young children at home could be overwhelming for anyone from time to time, it was clear in this situation that it was the OP’s father’s and his mistress’s series of bad choices that led them to the predicament they found themselves in.
If the OP’s father was so concerned about “family helping family,” he should have modeled that himself by peacefully leaving his wife before moving on with another woman and ruining his first family.
He also expected his young adult daughter to look out for him and his mistress, but he wasn’t looking out for her, her education, work, and future.
It was clear that “family helping family” was important to him… but only when it suited his needs.