When our birthday comes around, it's personally reasonable to want one specific gift.
With this in mind, we might lay hints to our loved ones, both subtle and not, in hopes of getting these gifts.
If we are not given these specific gifts, we have the right to be disappointed, but should still be grateful for what we were given.
But what if we were gifted something we blatantly said we didn't want?
Redditor wolvster's husband had given him the same present for the past several birthdays.
Despite the original poster (OP) specifically telling him not to.
When the OP confronted his husband about this, he was deemed "ungrateful."
Wondering if this was actually the case, the OP took to the subreddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA by telling my spouse what I don't want to receive on my birthday?"
The OP explained why they felt the need to confront their husband about their presents:
"My (40ish M[ale]) birthday is coming up."
"My spouse (50ish M[ale])has a habit of surprising me with something on my birthday, which is nice of course!"
"But, in the past years, he has gifted me board games and statues of my favorite comic book character, while I explicitly told him I do not want either of those things."
"Reasons: we have plenty of games we still have to play, and we're running out of space to display the figurines."
"Last year, he gifted me a figurine anyway."
"It was a nice figurine and I liked it, however I also told him I'd rather had gotten something else instead."
"Today he asked me what I thought about a specific board game he thinks I will like to get for my birthday."
"I told him I don't want it. It's a board game I'm not interested in, and I just don't want any more board games."
"He's angry now and calling me very ungrateful and impossible to find gifts for."
"He's done with this sh*t."
"He told me I should just make a 'groceries list' with stuff I want then (I do have a wishlist, by the way)."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community took the side of the OP and agreed he was not the a**hole for telling his husband what he didn't want for his birthday.
Everyone agreed that the OP's husband seemed to be buying presents that he, not the OP wanted, with many wondering how healthy the OP's relationship actually was based on his husband's reaction:
"NTA."
"Your partner asked if you'd like a specific board game for your birthday and you said no."
"Why did he bother to ask if he was going to flip his lid if you didn't want it?"
"It sounds like they're in a 'gift rut'."
"When the dust settles, suggest other things you're interested in to give him a little direction."-quincebush
"NTA."
"'He's done with this sh*t'."
"Your man sounds like he needs a new diaper because he's a small child."
"Very immature."
"He's just buying this stuff for himself and using your birthday as an excuse."
"That's why he's so mad, because he's not actually thinking about you."- dancing_avocado
"NTA."
"Gifting is about getting something the other person wants."
"It's not about the person giving the gift."
"It doesn't matter what he thinks about the gift."
"All that matters is what you want (and that it's legal/affordable lol)."
"I have this debate with myself when getting my kids stuff too."
"They always want tat. I do not want a house full of tat."
"However, it is their birthday and it's within budget so they get their tat."
"There's stuff I won't buy on principle but the overpriced Disney dresses, the Jellycat bunnies that have to be the correct brand.. we have it all."- Ivetafox
"Sounds like Homer's Bowling ball."
"I mean Marge's."
"Same scenario."
"NTA."- TheSciFiGuy80
"NTA."
"Because you told him you don't want 1 thing you're difficult to shop for?"
"More like he doesn't want to make the effort to give you an actual gift."- passionfruit0
"NTA."
"Since you DO have a wishlist, he's either forgotten or he just wants to buy things that HE also wants."- ShinyAppleScoop
"NTA."
"Sounds like he's uninterested in getting you something you actually want."- International-Fee255
"'He's angry now and calling me very ungrateful and impossible to find gifts for. [...] (I do have a wishlist, by the way)'."
"If you have a wish list, you are not complicated to buy gifts for."
"He is saying "I spent a lot of time on something I thought would make you happy, I want to give you what I spent energy on, even if it's not what you want', meaning gift giving (to him) is more about the intentions of the gift giver than about giving the giftee what they might want."
"Normally, it's something that a conversation would fix."
"But he seems unable to regulate his emotions and he went straight to throwing tantrums."
"So it might take a while to get him ready to a convo."
"And because his reaction was to retract within himself instead of listening to you, I'd say NTA."-ChibiSailorMercury
"NTA."
"I'd say to him 'you asked me a question and I gave you my response'."
"You have have a different opinion but you don't get to be angry just because I have a different view'."- ConclusionUnusual320
"So… he's buying you gifts that he would like for himself?"
"NTA."- Plugged_in_Baby
"NTA."
"It's supposed to be the 'thought that matters,' but it sounds like your spouse is putting zero effort into getting you a gift."
"He keeps falling back onto old patterns even though you've explicitly asked him not to."
"My sister spent about 5 years getting me Harry Potter-themed gifts."
"I enjoy Harry Potter, but it's not my identity . . . I did tell her I was all HP'ed out after last Christmas and she listened."- Visual-Lobster6625
"NTA."
"Ever since I was a kid, I've made wish lists for holidays and birthdays."
"In my family, it was just expected (and we got nagged and scolded if we didn't get a long one done by mid-November for the extended family)."
"It helps to have a mix of things that are specific and less specific (eg, 'soft cardigan', 'nice silver earrings', 'new/different fidget toys', 'specific book/game/toy/art/fragrance/tool/etc'), so that the giver can choose whether they want to pick a sure-fire gift they know you'll definitely love vs something that they have some more room to interpret."
"Some people find it really objectionable to be given only exact specific items, while some find it a relief because it means they know they'll get you exactly the thing you want and don't have to try to figure out which of 20 similar items is the right one."
"It would be a good thing that your husband was checking in about your potential gift if he wasn't doing it with a fixed expectation."
"I don't know if this might show up in other parts of your life, but this interaction you described is very common with abusers."
"They've already decided what your reaction is supposed to be, and they feel entitled to the reaction they expect, so it enrages them when you don't meet that expectation."
"It's totally possible for a relationship to be generally healthy but have one hot-button topic that sets someone off in a way that is abusive - it's a singular toxic instance and not an abusive relationship when it is the only time it happens, and that's something that can absolutely be worth working through."
"But I would encourage you to think a little about whether he's got a pattern of overreacting if you don't react in the way he expects to things, because that's what is at the heart of abusive relationships."- KaliTheBlaze
"NTA."
"The point of gifting is to gift something the other person will like, not the minimum effort required for the person buying the gift."- SoulSiren_22
"NTA."
"He's not listening to you."
"If he doesn't know you by now is there any hope?"
"Done with this sh*t?"
"I think I'd be done with him."- AdministrationIll687
"NTA."
"Too many people make giving gifts about themselves and it's tiring to continually have gifts you don't want or need in your house (especially if you're someone who feels weird getting rid of things because they're gifts)."
"Seems like he already bought it and is annoyed because now he has to buy something else."- jjknowsnothing
We are taught to be grateful for what we have and what we are given, which includes presents we don't ask for.
However, when we keep getting the same present despite saying we don't want it, it's hard not to get upset or frustrated.
If the OP's husband wants to remain married, he may want to think very carefully about what he'll get the OP for his next birthday.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.