Woman Called Out For Candidly Telling Female Acquaintance She's Too 'Quiet' For Her After Speed Dating Event

Speed dating.

It's been around for decades.

Some people find true love.

Other people... find silence.

Redditor beepbop110 found herself in a dilemma regarding a round of speed dating, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.

Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.

She asked:

""AITAH for telling a girl she's too quiet to date?

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I (33 F[emale]) went to a queer speed dating event in my city."

"Because I'm in a smaller city, the queer dating scene is a bit small, and a girl who hangs out with other people I'm friends with (30s F) was also there."

"I've talked to her before, given her rides a couple of times, but we're not exactly close friends."

"I talked to her when it was my turn, just like I talked to everyone."

"The thing is, even with the dates being so short, there was a lot of awkward silence because she's EXTREMELY quiet."

"I've noted this about her before; it doesn't mean I don't like her, but honestly it's part of the reason why I haven't tried to get close to her."

"When I've run into her at parties, and we end up in the same conversation, she doesn't talk."

"When I give her rides, I try to make conversation, but she doesn't give much besides one-word answers."

"After speed dating, I got a couple contacts from people I enjoyed talking to."

"A few days later, this other girl DMed me asking me if I wanted to chat and see where things go."

"I declined and told her that I wasn't interested."

"She seemed to think this had something to do with her appearance and gender presentation, and I told her no, but I generally like to date people who are at least as loud and talkative as I am."

"Then she blocked me 🥲."

"A mutual friend said that I should have left it at 'not interested,' but I thought I was being reassuring by not letting her think it's something she has little control over, and trying to make it clear that it's just a personality mismatch."

The OP was left to wonder:

"AITAH?"

Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - More Information Needed

Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.

"NAH. You respectfully clarified that it was a basic communication style incompatibility after she assumed it was about her appearance, and while it's valid for her to feel hurt and block you, you weren't cruel for being honest." ~ Spectre_Omega

"This. Also, if you hardly know each other, you can leave it as 'You were lovely, but you're not really my type.'"

"And I'd block or delete the number of someone who it didn't work out with - namely because if you're a bit deflated by it, you don't want their chat appearing high up on your WhatsApp."

"Did it recently - we said we'd text when we got home safe; by the time I got home they'd text saying sorry, but we're not compatible, I sent a message wishing her well and saying I was home safely, then deleted the thread because we were never going to meet again." ~ fpotenza

"NTA; you only said it because she pressed a bit, but honestly it is valuable feedback. Most people get exhausted having to hold up a conversation single-handedly." ~ Skittle146

"NTA. She had a misconception that you didn't like her due to her appearance or gender presentation."

"You just cleared it." ~ guys_pm_urprettyface

"100% as a sensitive and insecure person, I'd be super happy to hear they aren't interested because I'm quiet and not because I'm ugly."

"I totally relate because I'm also so quiet; sometimes people forget I was even in attendance."

"I used to be 100% mute in certain classes when I was a kid and a late teen."

"So it's a pretty big part of my life that does and has affected friendships."

"But thankfully, my appearance, kindness, professionalism/skills have taken me the rest of the way, and I live a normal life despite it."

"Even have a fiancé who has helped me immensely in experiencing new things/getting me to take risks." ~ Defiant-Dust-8737

"NTA. And of course she blocked you because if she doesn't have the self-confidence to speak in a conversation, having somebody call it out is crushing."

"However, on the other hand, letting her think it's about her appearance wouldn't have been nice either."

"Some situations are just lose-lose, but at least you picked honesty, assuming you were kind/polite." ~ PudelWinter

"NAH. I'm pretty quiet until I can open up, and there are some very extraverted people out there who I genuinely think I'd just burn out energy-wise if I attempted to date them."

"She probably knows she's one of the quiet ones too, which sucks socially."

"She did ask, though, and you answered honestly."

"So many things big and small are compatibility issues."

"I honestly think her blocking you is for the best; hopefully it helps her move on faster." ~ B3TT3Rnow_thanNEVER

"NTA, and you wouldn't have been the asshole if it HAD been about her appearance/gender presentation."

"Just because you're in a queer group doesn't mean you have to be attracted to everyone."

"That's toxic." ~ SheWolfInTheWoods

"NTA. It's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation."

"If you had left it at not interested, then confided in someone, it's because she was too quiet; they would have said you should have just told her."

"You did give her the extra information and were told you should have left the extra detail out."

"You did the best you could, and if your other friends are decent people, they'll understand, maybe even pass it along that this other woman needs to understand sometimes people are not compatible and if it bothers her that much then she needs to work on being able to help carry a conversation (probably good advice for her anyway)." ~ bookiegreenjeans

"NTAH, she asked, assumed, and then didn't like the answer."

"To be honest, I also think you kinda dodged a bullet there, because she immediately jumped to conclusions about your rejection and, when corrected, couldn't take respectful feedback." ~ kaloscopia

"NTA: you want to hang with folks that will talk more - that’s just being honest about your preference, and it didn’t sound like you cruelly expressed this."

"The analogy I use often is that conversations are like tennis, and it sounds like you want someone who’s going to hit the ball back over the net more often."

"It’s good that you are aware of this, and I bet it’ll help prevent things from becoming a problem later down the line." ~ lofikevin

"AH. You can not date someone for any reason you like."

"You provided her with assurance that this was not an appearance issue or any form of personal dislike."

"You simply find that your loud, outgoing personality and her introverted, quiet personality don't mesh too well."

"She's equally fully entitled to be offended or hurt by the comments."

"But there's no proof she is."

"She may simply have blocked you and moved on." ~ Jamestodd106

"NAH. Look, is it... remotely possible that this person is so quiet because they are enamored with you and nervous or shy about it, about precisely the rejection you gave her before she blocked you?"

"Again: NAH, no judgment against either of you from me."

"However, perhaps a dedicated 1 on 1 environment is what she needs to get to know you better, and for her to open up to you."

"I'm not saying you have to, OP; relationships are always two-yes-one-no situations."

"I'm just giving another perspective." ~ WafnaAbroad

"She's probably very self-conscious about being so shy and quiet."

"It's extremely painful to be that quiet and want desperately to figure out how to be social like everyone else... like society deems normal."

"What you said probably felt very cruel to her."

"It's not that you were an a**hole, but you were extremely thoughtless and unempathetic by not considering how saying that might hurt her."

"It's not a stretch to consider that someone so quiet is self-conscious about it and that should have been a consideration before criticizing her." ~ JacksNTag

"NAH at all."

"You don't have to date anyone you aren't interested in, and it sounds like you were honest and kind about your reason." ~ Hennessey_carter

"NTA. You were trying to be kind, and she asked for the reason."

"She pressed you, and so you clarified. In hindsight, it was maybe not the best choice, but you meant well."

"I once went on a date with someone who pressed me for a reason why I didn't want to see them again."

"It is a super awkward moment, so I feel for you!"

"My friend set me up with this person who looked so much like my sibling, and a lot like two of my cousins, too."

"Like, remarkably, as though they could have been in my immediate family."

"It was, of course, a huge turn-off."

"I sat down anyway and talked with them, the whole time running through my mind whether this was something I could ever get past! I realized no, this felt incestuous!"

"Not to be dramatic, but it did."

"I politely left at the end of a short lunch and messaged that I appreciated meeting them, but I wasn't interested."

"They kind of started to dispute me, asking, 'Didn't I think the lunch went well? They obviously thought I didn't like them as a person, which wasn't true. They were perfectly nice.'"

"I never told them the real reason was that they looked like my sibling."

"I heard later that they were really hurt."

"I felt bad. Sometimes people get really upset even though it is just a first date."

"I've always thought it would have been kinder to do what you did, give a specific answer." ~ LakeGlen4287

Reddit understands your feelings, OP.

It just wasn't a connection.

Maybe she can really try to comprehend your advice, and y'all can try again.

Happy hunting for the love connection.