There are certain milestones that we all feel pressured to hit at some point, but that pressure ramps up when our peers start hitting them before us.
This is particularly true for people who haven’t gotten married, started a family, or found that dream job yet, which can really do a number on their self-confidence, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Fit_District7673 had been dating a guy for a while, and though he said he loved her, she felt like she was simply a placeholder in his life until he could find someone “better.”
But when he started comparing her to the other women in his life and demanded that they have a baby, the Original Poster (OP) was not convinced that they were meant to stay together.
She asked the sub:
“AIO because I want a nice ring, wedding, and honeymoon before having a baby with my boyfriend? All of his friends are having babies, and he thinks my standards are unrealistic.”
The OP’s boyfriend was struggling with comparing his life to his friends’ lives.
“I am 30 (Female), and he just turned 31 (Male). He says he loves me, but I honestly feel like a placeholder.”
“Recently, he complained that all his female friends are having babies with their partners, even if their partners are not financially stable and they’re not in ‘perfect places’ to have children.”
The number of times her boyfriend talked about his female friend sent up red flags.
“He always talks about his one female friend from grad school who had a baby with her husband, who is deployed, and he doesn’t even help out with the childcare because he’s out of town! She’s the breadwinner of the family, too, because she makes way more than him, and she was the one who bought their home.”
“He’s always praising her and says she’s a rockstar because she has a high-paying job AND has a baby AND is doing it alone, because her husband is in the military. AND her parents bought them a house when she got pregnant.”
“I honestly find it alarming that he talks so much about his friend, who’s essentially a single mom, because her husband is deployed.”
“It also irks me, because he often sends me unsolicited photos of her and her baby and points out how happy they all seem. Her husband is never in any of these photos. It makes me question his character, his priorities, and his loyalty altogether.”
But her boyfriend’s latest demands to have a baby gave the OP particular pause.
“Then he came to me and said I should be open to having a baby with him because I have a house, I have flexibility at my job for pregnancy right now, and he finally has a full-time job (he does make more than me).”
“I was like, what? These women are married to their partners. I do not want to just have a baby out of wedlock. Also, we don’t even LIVE TOGETHER yet.”
“When I pushed back, he said my standards are too high because I want an engagement ring, a real wedding, and a honeymoon.”
“His excuse is that his rent is a lot, he is still making strides in his career, and he has a lot of student loans.”
The OP found herself questioning the future of their relationship.
“When he called me high maintenance, I was so angry. I cannot shake the feeling that he just wants to settle with whoever is convenient. And I dislike being called materialistic for wanting a ring and a honeymoon first.”
“Am I overreacting for thinking about never talking to him again because the audacity alone makes me think he’s a BAD PERSON?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend was in no way prepared to have a baby or be a father.
“Wanting to be married before having a kid is the most reasonable requirement. I am actually shocked by what he is saying. He can’t afford a ring and a wedding but can afford a baby? That makes absolutely no sense. Forget finances for a minute.”
“He gave the example of his friend whose husband is in the military and takes care of the baby by herself as an example. So… he thinks the idea of having a baby where the mom takes care of all the responsibilities as a dream scenario?”
“Marriage builds the foundation for a couple to have a child. A child is a way larger commitment than marriage, so if he can’t commit to marriage, what makes you think he’ll commit to being a father? He can’t commit to saving up for a wedding, but will commit to having a child and taking care of it financially?”
“His logic makes no sense and is riddled with selfishness. A baby is not a pet. It doesn’t matter that his female friends are having kids, that has nothing to do with your relationship. If he wants kids, he should be willing to put in the effort to save up and get married first. And the fact that he’s dismissing you as having ‘too high of standards’ is enraging.” – ihavebeefwithreddit
“I would be concerned that he has no intention of settling down with you at all. He’s coming at you with stories about women having babies for men while in essence living a single mother lifestyle with their babies (deployed husband, woman buys house and does 100% of the child rearing, while out earning him).”
“That’s what he wants. To get some woman, any woman, to have his kid and not require anything from him. Clearly, his dream is to get you to just do it all FOR him.”
“He thinks you’re being so ‘high maintenance,’ because you won’t just be a single mom for him.”
“My best guess is he might be thinking of leaving you and just wants to use you hard before he walks out to door and on to greener pastures. I mean, what kind of man would even suggest such an absurd thing and then try to turn it all around the woman who literally wants a secure future for the child he’s asking her to have?”
“This man sounds like he’s a road of least resistance kind of guy who literally doesn’t have it in him to do the right thing. He thinks it all should just be handed to him. Run fast and far from this man’s BS. Don’t let him use you for his own ends.” – West-Double3646
“He doesn’t want a kid. He wants the ability to brag about a life milestone. The kid is an afterthought; he just wants to fit in with his peers. The same way a child begs their parents for a video game because all his friends are playing it, but will throw it away the moment they get bored.”
“I wouldn’t want to marry someone who sees kids as props for his own life. I’d feel like a trophy wife.” – JulyOfAugust
“He may not be a bad person, but he sounds like a bad boyfriend.”
“To me, it sounds like he could be trying to ‘baby trap’ you. Some men don’t really want you, but they strangely don’t want other men to want you either. So they stealthily convince you to have a baby with them out of wedlock (or with no clear path/plan for getting married in the future).”
“They think this lowers your availability and desirability when it comes to future relationships with any other man. I don’t understand this mentality, but some say it stems from some deep-seated feelings of inferiority and resentment from the man towards his partner. Perhaps he knows you’re ‘out of his league,’ or on a better career or financial trajectory… who knows.”
“The bottom line is, don’t fall for whatever he’s trying to get you to do. Intentionally having a child out of wedlock, in my honest opinion, is a precarious choice to make. Wait to have a child with a man who wants to do it after getting married, if that’s what your heart and mind want. You aren’t asking for too much.” – AcridTest
“Men who celebrate their partner’s accomplishments and ensure their partner’s needs are met with the same diligence as their own; these are the ones worth your time.”
“They are the ones who will work with you to do the big things before having babies: find a meaningful ring, plan a memorable wedding day, coordinate a honeymoon that’s centered on both of you, discuss goals for future family life, and be honest about any fears, misgivings, or hesitations.”
“So many dudes are programmed to not show vulnerability in healthy ways, and it is so, so, so detrimental to the cultivation of positive relationships.”
“There are men who will also work with you on the small things (that are actually super important), like communicating household responsibilities, honestly appraising financial obligations, finding time to stay connected with you, and his own support system.”
“A couple that is successful together is made up of two people who can get it done on their own, but do it better when they have help and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Understanding these things is so important before bringing a baby into the mix.”
“If your current dude is incapable of these things AND is unwilling to communicate and learn and grow, well, he ain’t it.” – lazyknowitall
Others agreed and theorized that the OP’s boyfriend had feelings for his “female friend,” or at least the life he assumed she had.
“He says you have too many standards because of money or because he wants a baby without the struggles?”
“And the example of his female friend, who is a married single mother, as a goal girl is sending me… he wants you to want his child without him being a partner and a dad?”
“Marriage or not, this is concerning.” – Leniel_the_mouniou
“He wants to be a dad without any responsibilities of being a dad. Financial, emotional, time, housing, etc. The guy who is deployed is his hero, not the mom. Cut bait now, don’t let him worm his way into your agreement. Tell him to find a woman who will allow him to be a single, absent father. NOR.” – Life_Temperature2506
“So he cites a woman in a horrible situation with a deadbeat husband as an example of why you should have a baby?”
“He’s like, ‘Look, this woman has minimal support from her partner! She puts up with or so you should, too!'”
“He’s already telling you what kind of life you’re in for if you procreate with this man. You’ll still be expected to work, but add all of the childcare (and probably household) duties on top of that. You’ll have two kids, but don’t you dare ask for the bare minimum of a wedding.”
“I’m not seeing the appeal of remaining in a relationship with a man like this, but I know that I’m only getting a sliver of your life. I don’t think you’re overreacting.”
“Also, I’m sorry for calling the military husband a deadbeat. For some reason, my brain conflated his absence with being a deadbeat instead of making a sacrifice, mainly because I was projecting OP’s boyfriend’s behavior onto the guy. Actually, it was 99% projecting OP’s boyfriend.” – bologna_fans
“His reasons don’t seem valid to me: my female friends are having babies, we should have a baby.”
“You: No, I want to do it by the book: ring, wedding, honeymoon.”
“Him: Your standards are too high.”
“WTF?!”
“Have you realized that he wants for you the exact same life as his female friend? husband is not there, she’s the breadwinner and the one who bought the house. And you can have a baby because you have a house, flexibility… interestingly, he doesn’t want the whole wedding because ‘his rent is a lot, he is still making strides in his career, and he has a lot of student loans’… but having a baby is great with all of that?”
“To me, this is a total lack of common sense, and I wouldn’t be with a person like that. But what catches my eye is that you think he’s ‘a bad person.’ So what other things have happened that make you believe he’s not incredibly stupid, but bad?” – Melodic-Dark6545
“About those unsolicited photos he’s sending you: First of all, that’s a red flag that he’s enjoying these photos and then saving them so he can send them to you. Not to mention the fact that you don’t want to receive them.”
“But also, I want to remind you, he isn’t sending you REAL photos of her.”
“He’s sending you the curated, public images.”
“He’s not sending you pictures of the sleepless nights.”
“He’s not sending you pictures of her alone in a bathrobe at three in the afternoon because she’s so exhausted from all the work she’s been putting in on her own.”
“He’s not sending you pictures of spit-up running down her favorite blouse.”
“I’m telling you this as a mom, with wonderful kids and an active and loving partner (who did marry me and give me a beautiful ring before taking me to the Caribbean- just saying). Parenthood is amazing, and I can understand wanting it… But it’s hard, and loving one’s partner is a prerequisite. And I mean love as a verb.”
“Does this guy care about your ambitions? Does he care about your day-to-day happiness or purpose? Is he proud of you? Grateful? Does he have fun with you? Does he send your picture to others, telling them that you’re aspirational? Does he respect you?”
“You have every right to be irked.”
“Again, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’m not loving his pattern of disregarding logical preferences and your feelings, and I don’t like that he’s sending you pictures of other women and essentially saying, ‘You should be like her!'” – Next-Wishbone1404
The subReddit was equally irked by what the OP shared about her partner and the fact that he wanted a baby without putting any of the work, money, or commitment into having one or truly embracing becoming a father.
If he wanted to have a baby with someone, he needed to find the person he was in love with and happy to commit to, before he expected his partner to take that next step.
If the OP was not that woman, he needed to do the honorable thing and be honest with her about his feelings instead of trying to force her into something she wasn’t comfortable doing.