Divorce is never easy.
Breaking up a family and starting over can be heartbreaking.
People’s feelings are always hurt.
And navigating a new blended family can take a lot of time.
Time some partners are just not easily prepared to give.
Case in point…
Redditor hearts_lilah to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not letting my ex-husband bring his now wife to our daughter’s birthday party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My ex-husband (David) and I were married for 5 years, and last year we divorced.”
“We have one daughter (Lily) who recently turned seven this year.”
“Lily’s birthday was around the corner so I was busy with decorations, the cake, and the invitations.”
“I asked her who she wanted to attend her birthday party, and she said she wanted her aunts, uncles, cousins, basically everyone she knew from both sides.”
“i wasn’t bothered with Lily inviting anyone from her father’s side because we were both familiar and comfortable with them.”
“I called David, and I told him about the invitations, and he was cool with it until he bought up his wife.”
“He told me that he will bring his wife.”
“He didn’t ask me; he told me like he was forcing it because he knew I would say no, and I did say no.”
“I told him that I was not comfortable with his wife, especially her meeting Lily, and Lily doesn’t even know her that much.”
“And I haven’t even had a proper talk with her before she can see my daughter.”
“The only thing I knew about this lady was that she did something wrong with my husband, knowing very well he’s married and has a daughter, and I was supposed to feel comfortable with that.”
“He then told me that I was making this about me and not Lily.”
“That Lily is a child.”
“She doesn’t even know anything yet, and he really wants Lily to meet his wife, and she also wants to meet her.”
“I said to him that if she really wants to meet Lily, then she has to speak to me first and let me see how she really is before I can trust her with my baby.”
“He replied to me by saying that I was jealous and that I didn’t want Lily to see her new family and be comfortable with them.”
“And that I was hurting his wife because I wouldn’t let her see her stepdaughter, who is like her own daughter.”
“I was done with him and told him if he didn’t want to come, then it’s fine.”
“It’s not like he paid a single dime for anything for the birthday party, and he was crazy for me to say yes to a woman who ruined my marriage and is the reason why my daughter has to grow up with separated parents.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared everyone was NOT the A**hole here.
“Introducing his new wife to Lily at Lily’s birthday party is where this is wrong.”
“It is Lily’s party, and not a time to meet her father’s new wife.”
“How many times has Lily met this woman?”
“If Lily did not mention her when you asked about who she wants to be invited, then Lily either doesn’t know her or doesn’t want her. NTA.” ~ Aggravating-Pain9249
“Exactly! From the post, it sounds like Lily has never met the ex’s wife?!? WTF is that?”
“Who marries someone without ever introducing their child.”
“The ex sounds like a duplicitous @ss who kept something from his wife first and now his child.”
“How would that go?”
“‘Happy birthday. This is your new step-mom who you’ve never met.'”
“Great way to ruin a child’s day.” ~ Murky-Historian-9350
“NTA. OP’s ex-spouse is the a**hole…and a hypocrite.”
“He’s using his child’s birthday to introduce his new mistress/wife who contributed to their marriage being destroyed.”
“Then he wants everyone to get along like the whole situation is normal?! The audacity.”
“And what kind of father allows the ex-spouse to front the entire bill on their child’s birthday?!”
“Unless he had a valid reason that he had discussed with OP prior to the event, he is a double a**hole for skipping the financial contribution.” ~ CursingCHRISTian
“It sounds like OP is the main provider for Lily and that Lily most likely lives at her house if she hasn’t met her dad’s new mom.”
“I think it’s a stretch to assume that mom is blocking the new wife from meeting Lily and more like dad just isn’t all that responsible and he doesn’t have her too often, leading to her never really meeting dad’s new wife.” ~ ThatOneWithTheCurls
“OP said Lily could meet this woman after she has a chance to meet her herself to see what she’s really like and they didn’t like that.”
“That’s a perfectly reasonable request.”
“OP is completely justified in wanting to meet someone before her daughter is introduced to them, that’s a super common thing for people who co-parent.”
“This woman clearly has a concerning lack of morals if she was willing to sleep with a married man so I don’t blame her one bit for being cautious.” ~ satanslefthand*itch
OP came back with a little info.
“The stepmom does know Lily, and Lily knows that she does have a stepmom,”
“But they haven’t met, which is not my responsibility, and yes, David does have visitation rights, so I don’t know why he doesn’t introduce them to each other.”
“That’s the reason why stepmom said she also wants to meet her.”
Reddit continued…
“How does the father have a new wife who has NEVER met his daughter?”
“Clearly, he was not thinking about his daughter.”
“I mean, take a minute to introduce your kid to your new partner and explain that you are getting married.”
“His daughter wasn’t at the wedding? Seriously?”
“A lot of steps are missing here.”
“Also, how does his new wife think of a child she has never met as her daughter? That’s creepy.”
“And no. Absolutely not.”
“You do not introduce your child to your affair partner turned wife at her 7th birthday party.”
“Do not traumatize the kid because you’re feeling guilty for switching wives and want your kid to pretend not to notice. It’s weird.”
“Dude is so wrong here, and his gaslighting is pathetic.”
“Telling OP, she is not thinking of Lily.”
“She’s the only one putting Lily first.” ~ Hushes
“It’s weird that we just got through the season of holidays for most cultures, and yet the ex didn’t bother to introduce his child and new wife at any of the family gatherings with his side only.”
“This is suss af, either pure malice to torture his ex and/or his new wife is visibly pregnant. NTA.” ~ shelwood46
“NTA. You don’t have to invite someone to a party that you don’t want there.”
“For future reference, don’t invite your ex to your daughter’s birthday party either.”
“He’s a jerk, and you don’t have to ever be around him except for exchanges.”
“Obviously, it’s best for kids when their parents can get along and co-parent.”
“But this dude does not sound like a team player — no one asks to bring their former mistress/new wife to their ex-wife’s house, let alone demands it this soon after cheating and destroying their marriage.”
“There was a post here not that long ago about a dude whose wife cheated wanting to be invited to the kid’s birthday party that the dad was hosting and it was unanimously agreed she was way out of line and she wasn’t demanding to bring her sidepiece, she was just asking to come.”
“Sure, he’s married to the mistress now, so she’s going to be indefinitely in your daughter’s life unless you have sole custody, but that does not mean you ever have to allow her into your home unless you want to.”
“And your daughter’s birthday party is not the time or place for him to hard launch his new marriage — that’s a gross idea on his part, and he should be ashamed of himself for trying to steal the spotlight from his daughter.” ~ MarsyRetro
“Okay, you stated that Lilly doesn’t know her that much.”
“Then you state she hardly knows her.”
“Then you state the new wife wants to meet her.”
“What is it? Your story isn’t adding up.”
“I will say this.”
“A birthday party isn’t the right time to ‘meet’ a child for the first time.”
“I would hate to have the child humiliated by any negative interaction between any of you.”
“Who knows how his family feels about her.”
“You are right to want to meet her first.”
“This means her father hasn’t taken her since he met and ran off with this woman?”
“Yet, he states Lilly is like a daughter to her?”
“Doesn’t add up.”
“Last thing, she didn’t break up your marriage. He did.”
“I am sure he told her some wild story, and she thought your marriage was already broken/over.”
“You would be amazed at what men can convince a woman of.”
“How long ago was this that he ran off, got divorced, and remarried?”
“Sounds like he did it in a hurry.” ~ Capow1968
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is mostly with you.
There is a time and place for everything. Understandably, you would prefer your ex introduce his wife and your daughter at a less public event. And, of course, you should meet with her first.