With the wedding industry growing and growing, people are feeling greater and greater pressure to make their wedding standout in some way, including planning a destination wedding.
But destination weddings ask far more from the guests and the wedding party than the happy couple might initially realize, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
As much as Redditor CanaryFairy3179 loved her best friend, she felt reluctant to attend her destination wedding in the next year because of the expenses and her husband not receiving an invitation.
While the bride was willing to help with her expenses, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure she could look past her husband being excluded from the small wedding.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s destination wedding?”
The OP was invited to her best friend’s destination wedding.
“My (25 Female) best friend (25 Female) and I have been incredible friends for over a decade. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and put a lot of time, energy, and money into throwing showers, bachelorette parties, etc.”
“Well, now she is engaged and is planning a destination wedding (accommodations and all meals will be paid for). She stated that she does not want any showers, parties, or even gifts because she’d rather people put that towards the plane ticket.”
“Tickets are about 700 to 1300 dollars roundtrip, depending on the airline.”
But the OP had her reservations about traveling for the wedding.
“It’s a very small wedding of about 20 people, and we’d all be staying together on a large property for a week.”
“I am saving to purchase a home in a few years and told my friend that I wouldn’t make her wedding, citing two reasons: Finances and the fact that my husband can’t attend.”
“I brought these issues up to her and told her I wouldn’t make it. She and my other best friend (who is also attending) said they would help in any way they could with the financial part of it.”
“She said that the reason my husband was not invited was because of space (I’d be sharing a room with that other best friend) and the fact that she doesn’t know him well (her fiancé has never met him), and everyone else that will be there is close family.”
“She said even many close family members were not invited because of how small they had to keep it.”
“Guests invited include two groomsmen, two bridesmaids (one of which is me), and the rest are siblings, in-laws, and her parents.”
The OP’s reluctance was hurting the bride’s feelings.
“She sent me a relatively upset message, saying that she was disappointed in my decision because she felt she did everything she could to help (money-wise) facilitate my attendance but that I was unwilling to help find a solution.”
“While it’s nice that accommodations and meals are paid for, I’d still have to find a dress and cover other various expenses along the way.”
“AITA for saying no to attending my best friend’s wedding?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that married couples are a package deal invitation, period.
“NTA. If someone wants a very small event that excludes spouses, that’s a one-day event somewhere local, and you go home to your spouse at the end of the day. No one gets to demand you travel away from your spouse for a week, share a room with someone instead of having any privacy, and then get all hurt if you pass on that.”
“She is essentially denying that your life is real and demanding you choose her wedding fantasy over that real life.” – Brennan_Boru1031
“I wouldn’t go to a wedding where my wife and kids weren’t invited. Especially if it was going to eat a week of vacation time.”
“When someone decides to have a week-spanning destination wedding and isn’t inviting SOs (significant others), then they can’t be mad when even good friends decide not to attend.”
“NTA.” – wy100101
“NTA. Op is not going to a destination wedding without her spouse. Not even if it’s paid for. That’s her decision, and there is nothing wrong with that. The bride can express her feelings, nothing wrong with that. NAH.” – WatermelonRindPickle
“NTA.”
“Your friend has violated one of the most important rules of wedding etiquette, one that very rarely gets an exception: married couples are a package deal.”
“People who plan destination weddings, even those who offer to foot most of the costs, need to accept that some folks are going to say no. She can save her pouting for something ACTUALLY important.” – ZealousIdeal_Song717
“NTA. Financials aside, I cannot fathom the concept of inviting someone to a wedding without their spouse solely because they ‘don’t know the spouse that well.’ That’s just insulting. If my girlfriend was explicitly not invited to something like this, I’d politely refuse to go based on that alone.”
“Also, how is it that she was a bridesmaid at your wedding and is supposedly your best friend for over a decade but claims not to know your husband that well? Does not compute, that just sounds like an excuse to not invite him.” – destructdisc
Others pointed out that a week away from work would be unrealistic for many.
“Who the f**k has a week-long wedding? Is she a Disney princess?”
“Also, she expects you to attend a week-long wedding without your SO (significant other) and on top of that, pay almost a thousand dollars to attend. NTA.” – OtkuOfficial
“NTA. Destination weddings are expensive, take a lot of time, and can be extremely stressful. No one should be guilted into a destination wedding. I am so sick of people choosing to travel and then getting p**sy when others can’t afford it or don’t want to or don’t have the time off.” – MiciRokiri
“NTA. I don’t see anyone really mentioning this… Taking a week off for a wedding to share a room with a friend is not only financially expensive for the flight, but it could also be most of your vacation time for the entire year.”
“So you would be forced to spend most of your hard-worked-for time off with a friend and others you’re not close, with besides the bride-to-be, and also without your spouse present, who you’ll have another week less of time to spend with. Hard pass for me.” – mochamermaid
“NTA. Brides often seem to feel entitled to have other people attend their wedding. This is ridiculous; no one (other than the spouse-to-be) has to show up. You can have a perfectly fine wedding without all the people that you’d like to be there attending.”
“If you are my best friend and you say you cannot attend my wedding for whatever reason, as my friend, any reason that is good enough for you to feel comfortable declining is good enough for me to accept.”
“By the way, almost this exact scenario happened to me: I had a destination wedding, and my best friend couldn’t make it. It literally was not an issue at all in my mind, and we’re best friends to this day. It doesn’t matter that OP’s friend did all of these things in the past for her; if she is a real friend, she didn’t do them just so she could be entitled to services from OP in the future.” – Fuzzy_Description920
But some thought the OP was just looking for any excuse not to attend the wedding.
“YTA.”
“While you can choose what you spend your money on, it honestly seems like you’re grasping at straws for reasons not to go.”
“They said they would help with money and that they only want you there. You must not care for your friend very much, because I would be devastated if I were the bride, having been there and done so much for you and getting absolutely nothing in return, not even your presence.” – Significant-Tart5408
“YTA. I question how good a friend this person is if you’re this adamant about not attending her wedding.”
“The big expenses are being taken care of for you, and a dress doesn’t have to be at all expensive; that’s you making an excuse. Your friend has done a lot for you, and you seem to be willing to do zero and are trying to find a way out of this altogether.”
“Fine, in that it is your choice, but would I consider you a good friend? Probably not…” – spoiledrichwhitegirl
“YTA. I was initially going to go the other way because destination weddings are often selfish, ‘pay your own way’ setups, but I think you’re the selfish one here.”
“They didn’t invite close family so you could have a spot, they are paying for everything over there, and they are offering financial help with your ticket, and you’re whining about a dress, after this friend dropped everything to be a bridesmaid at your wedding.”
“You need to figure out what feelings are lying underneath this because I see some jealousy peeking through.” – Limp-Comedian-7470
“YTA, in my opinion. The amount of the trip is negligible when it comes to saving for a house. That $700 to $1300 is not what’s going to stand between you and a house. If it were that crucial, you could literally make other everyday sacrifices if it meant that much to be with your ‘best friend.'”
“You can also do without your husband for a few days, and quite frankly, him not being able to go actually works in your favor when it comes to finances, because that’s one less person you’ll have to pay for. Your husband being invited would double your budget.”
“Your decision to not go is really messed up considering you call her incredible and how much time, energy, and money she put into your wedding. You’re being so selfish with this decision.” – keesouth
“This is such an obvious YTA that I can only assume it’s the best friend writing from her crappy friend’s POV (Point of View).”
“Your best friend put significant time, energy, and money into your wedding, and you can’t be bothered to do a tiny fraction of the same for her. If you’re still interested in having a best friend, you need to get over yourself and show up at this wedding.”
“And just to add, it’s totally reasonable that your spouse isn’t invited to a 20-person wedding. They are probably excluding many people much closer to them than your spouse. Deal with it.” – Outrageously_Penguin
You would think the OP would be excited to show up to celebrate her best friend to return the support she got during her wedding, bit no one can be forced into going to a destination wedding… or any wedding for that matter.
The day is for the happy couple to tie the not, not to fray the threads of friendship.
We hope these two can come to a resolution.