Staying sober for a significant period of time is worth celebrating.
Unfortunately, those who are unaware of the enormous impact of sobriety have the luxury of not experiencing health-affecting personal struggles, which are often stigmatized.
A woman wanted to celebrate her news of being one year sober, but the reception she got from her family was not what she was expecting.
What happened next led her to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor deffonotarichbitch asked:
“AITA for leaving a family gathering and taking the cake with me after getting my feelings hurt?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (27F[female]) hit one year sober (from alcohol) at the beginning of the year. This was a huge accomplishment for me. It was bigger to me than finishing college.”
“I told my family that next time we were together for family dinner I had something to celebrate. This all happened at my mom’s. The kids were playing and the adults were hanging out. I took the moment to share that I’d reached 1 year sober and how good I felt about it.”
“They went with ‘Ohh, that’s what you were talking about’ and ‘Has it been a year already?’ ”
“I am embarrassed to admit I hoped someone would say they’re proud of me.”
The OP continued:
“My BIL Steve looked at my sister and they both said ‘Well…’ at the same time and she said ‘Since we’re all here, (Niece) just got into (a specific gymnastics thing). It’s been a LONG road but she did it!’ “
“Steve popped some wine they’d brought and started giving everyone glasses/cups. He made eye contact with me and his face fell. I had this gnawing feeling so got up from the table. I took a walk.”
“I tried to get through the moment mentally so I could be present for my niece to celebrate her success. But when I got back to the house my sister asked me why I left without saying anything. I said I needed a minute to myself.”
“She looked at me funny and said ‘Okayyyy…’ ”
The OP was prompted to then spell things out for her sister.
“I said I’d shared something I was very proud of and she bulldozed over it. My mom put her hand up and asked me what my news was. I said that I’d told them. I hit one year sober.”
“Mom said my generation always wanted praise for doing the bare minimum, that wasn’t an accomplishment it was just what I needed to do, like graduating high school.”
“I tried to make it through to dinner but found myself just not in the mood anymore. I decided to go home.”
“Here is the direct thing I am being called a butthead for: Id brought a small berry chantilly cake (my favorite) to share after dinner. It was the thing I decided I earned. The kids had definitely seen it. On my way out I decided to take it home with me.”
“I guess when they realized the cake wasn’t in the garage fridge anymore, my sister called to ask me why I took it. I said I did because it was MY cake to celebrate MY accomplishment.”
“She said, word for word ‘Are you fucking serious? Oh my god Emma, GROW UP. You are such a f’king baby.’ ”
The OP didn’t get much support from another family member.
“My Mom later texted me directly to tell me how disappointed she was that I threw a tantrum because my niece got more attention than me. I don’t think her read of what happened is right, but that is why I am asking you guys.”
“Am I the a**hole because I took home the cake in the end? Was that really childish of me, considering the kids saw it and then didn’t get any?”
“As I was putting on my shoes to leave, Steve found me and directly apologized and said that he was completely oblivious in the moment. I know he did not do anything to intentionally hurt me.”
The OP updated her post with a follow-up.
“Hi everyone, I just wanted to follow up and say thank you to everyone for the responses. I have a lot to think about when I next go to therapy (today, actually) and work on. I do want to clear up a few things that I’ve seen come up a lot on the comments:”
“I am not in AA. I’d tried AA before and it was not compatible for me. It works for a lot of people very well and I’m happy for you if it works for you. So, stuff about ‘the steps’ and ‘personal inventory’ are not relevant to me.”
“It wasn’t a party for my niece, it was just a family dinner. The cake ‘was mine’ and wasn’t brought *for* my niece. I didn’t take it *because* I wanted to ‘get back’ at them. I took it because it’s my favorite cake and I wanted to eat it because it was my thing that I earned.”
“I don’t know why they opened wine for my niece getting into the gymnastic program. But I also don’t think it’s my place to say anyone else has a drinking problem, and I’d prefer to have eyes on my own paper. :)”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“They had wine,which naturally excluded you,right after you told them your good news. I am glad you took the cake!” – gyrekat
The OP wanted to clarify something.
“So at the bottom of the post I talk about my brother in law Steve who is the one who opened the bottle. He apologized directly to me for it and that’s what the look he gave me was about I think.”
“He said that he was just on autopilot with my sister talking and that when he saw me he was like ‘Oh f’k that was a stupid thing to do.’ I am not mad at Steve and I know he didn’t do it on purpose to upset me or anything.”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“I think I’m confused as to why they’re celebrating a child’s accomplishment with wine? While the kids are outside..? It seems like mom and dad cared more about getting a pat on the back from the adults than letting their daughter share her own news with the family and celebrating in an age-appropriate way.”
“Proud of you OP! Don’t let anyone diminish your accomplishments EVER. I hope you ate tf outta that cake.”
“NTA.” – mmwhatchasaiyan
“I come from many generations of alcoholics, and this is HUGE!!!! I am so proud of you. So many of my family couldn’t go a day without, and many died from it. I’m sorry they are not proud of you, but I am, and I hope you can rejoice in your accomplishment.”
“It may be time to go low contact with your family. If they cannot even see what you have been able to do, you will get no support from them. Build your own family of non-drinkers and have a great life.” – Successful_Voice8542
“Your family minimized something that is incredibly difficult and life-changing. Taking the cake with you wasn’t childish, it was a self preservation move after they invalidated your feelings. You don’t owe them your celebration when they couldn’t even acknowledge it.” – JulieK2qgB
“To be clear here: they invalidated her accomplishment as well as her feelings. To reach 1 year sober takes a lot, far more than the ‘bare minimum’ her mom stated.”
“All of her family should be proud of her and, at the very least, offer up congratulations. Even Steve when he apologized should have said something to that effect as he knew the optics weren’t right. Celebrate your successes with people who celebrate you, not dismiss you.” – mythicsagefire
“Sweet OP – first, I am not only thrilled for you, but I am SO proud of you. Honey, you didn’t end up with addiction because you had SUCH a supportive and functional family. You are looking for love in the wrong places. When you have a milestone to celebrate, do it with friends, do it at a meeting, do it here, do it on a Zoom call with random strangers – but your family of origin has lost access to the happy occasions in your life.”
“They do not deserve you. Your sister and BIL are rude and petty, but your mom really takes the cake. Being 365 days sober is a BIG EFFING DEAL!! She strikes me as the type to tell someone who lost 100 pounds that they’ve done the bare minimum and are still fat. She’s mean.”
“It’s time to significantly limit contact with your family. It’s very hard, but you’ve done something way harder. Put yourself first. Love yourself. Celebrate yourself. They know where to find you when they are ready to stop being petty and nasty and self-absorbed.” – AlbanyBarbiedoll
Overall, Redditors showed support by acknowledging the impressive milestone of the OP’s sobriety.
Except for the BIL who had a heart-to-heart with the OP, Redditors also thought the rest of the family minimized her accomplishment.
This, unfortunately, prompted Redditors to discourage the OP from engaging with her family and finding support in a community that understands and can relate to her.