It’s no secret anymore that weddings sometimes bring the worst out in people, especially the happy couple and, by extension, their parents.
But sometimes happy couples also get overly invested in their friends finding the same happiness, too, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Cheap-Arm-2966 was surprised when an old friend invited him to be one of his groomsmen in his wedding, but he was more surprised when the bride started trying to set him up.
When he was accused of ruining the wedding by not playing along with the setup, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was somehow in the wrong for how he handled the wedding festivities.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for ditching my ‘assigned’ bridesmaid at a wedding for a bridesmaid who is younger and a different race than me? And also for leaving the wedding early?”
The OP was placed in the awkward situation of being set up… amidst a wedding party, no less.
“One of my good friends from college was getting married (let’s call him Tom) to his wife (let’s call her Liz) and asked me to be one of his groomsmen.”
“I was honored. I haven’t seen him in a while because I live across the country.”
“When I arrived in his city, I was ‘assigned’ a bridesmaid (let’s call her Kelly).”
“Now, Kelly is a lovely woman. However, I think we were only assigned to each other because we are both Black.”
“Liz started telling me that we were both single and perfect for each other, but there was nothing to indicate that at all besides us both being Black.”
“I should add, as well, that Liz had a lot more bridesmaids than Tom had groomsmen.”
The OP tried to be honest with the bridesmaid about not wanting to date her.
“On the first night, the entire wedding party went out, and it became clear that Kelly wanted to hook up. I was not into her at all, so I kindly turned her down.”
“She then started interrogating me as to why.”
“I tried to give a generic answer, but she started listing off all of the reasons why we were so perfect together.”
“I ended up saying that I don’t do the whole short-term relationship type thing, and as we both live in completely different states, there is no future here.”
“She ended up cooling off but then told me that she respected me more for that and that I am a stand-up guy and the type of guy that she was looking for.”
But then the OP revealed his true feelings with another bridesmaid.
“During the rest of the time we were there, one of the other ‘unmatched’ bridesmaids (let’s call her Jen) started messaging me privately, and we hit it off.”
“The next day, the wedding ceremony went well, and we went to the reception, and Kelly and I did our entrance together and then danced together for a bit.”
“After a bit, I went to the bar, and Jen and I started to dance.”
“At that point, Kelly started giving me dirty looks.”
“I just ignored it and continued having a good time with Jen.”
The matchmaker bride and jealous bridesmaid confronted the OP.
“All was going well until I went back to the bar, and Kelly and Liz confronted me and started saying that my dancing with Jen was inappropriate.”
“They started saying she was too young for me and that it looked creepy. (I am 32, and she is 24 and about to turn 25.)”
“I was like, ‘Oh, it’s okay, Jen and I are just friends.'”
“Liz, at that point, was angry with me and started saying that Jen was in college (but she was working on her Master’s degree).”
“Liz added that this was her wedding, and she didn’t want to see that.”
“Then Kelly started saying that I must have a fetish for white women or something.”
“At that point, I realized that there was no logical argument I could make, so I told Kelly and Liz that I really enjoyed the wedding but that I needed to go to bed early for my flight the next day.”
“I left and went up to my hotel room.”
“Five minutes later, Jen left early, too.”
“Five minutes after Jen came up to her room, we both got kicked out of the wedding party chat.”
The OP was later accused of ruining the wedding reception.
“I later found out from Tom that Kelly was crying her eyes out over me not dancing with her and that it messed up the night for Liz, as well.”
“He told me that he wasn’t mad at me because he told Liz from the start that Kelly wasn’t going to be my type, but instead, Liz really wanted to set Kelly up.”
“At that point, I felt terrible that I made it so Liz was not able to enjoy her special night, but when it comes to Kelly, I just wish she understood that no means no.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought this whole arrangement was creepy and racist, and the OP was NTA.
“I hate when people think that just because you are of the same race, you are meant to be.”
“I was at a wine tasting with a friend (I’m Indian), and there was an Indian guy there; we were the only non-white people there. I found him annoying and moved to a different table whenever he was around.”
“My friend (actually ex-friend because I realized that she was racist and homophobic) said we should get together, as we seemed to have a lot in common.”
“I just said, ‘Why? Because we are both brown?’ She fumbled her words and just stopped talking.” – TheDogIsTheBoss
“NTA, of course. This is a racist mentality. You just said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t like this girl you tried to hook me up with. She’s not my type,’ which is fine.” And you did your wedding things with Kelly and performed them well.”
“Outside of that, they had no right to tell you who to spend time with. Assuming you were given a plus-one invitation, you could have brought an escort, and they wouldn’t have had a right to say anything.”
“Liz ruined her own wedding. I feel sorry for Tom… Liz is controlling.” – FastOpinion2922
“NTA. This is some next-level psycho s**t. ‘Let’s put the Black people together,’ and ‘A woman in her mid-twenties is too young for a man in his early thirties,’ and ‘You must have a white girl fetish.'”
“These people need mental help. Respect to you for just walking away, I’d have been calling everyone out on their bulls**t.” – Kaervek94
“Why are they gifting this poor guy to a horny bridesmaid like he’s a sacrificial offering? And berating him for not servicing her sexually? And cutting off the friendship when he says no? If the genders were reversed, these people would be in jail.” – homewithplants
“I’m also surprised at the bride expecting the ‘pairs’ to be for the entirety of the reception. The ceremony was done, the entrance as a pair was done, and some dancing was done…”
“OP more than did his duty, any reasonable duty, by his assigned partner. And the unassigned bridesmaid wanted to dance, too.”
“Did they really think that they could browbeat OP into going back to dancing with Kelly, and he would be all, ‘Oh, I see now that we’re meant for each other, thank you for setting me straight’? Once the strongarming starts, the possibility of any real connection is gone. Leaving was the only option OP had left.” – calling_water
Others agreed and thought the bride should focus on her wedding, not matchmaking.
“The most egregious part of this fiasco isn’t even the ‘Matching Black People’ motif, although that’s ghastly enough. It’s the id**tic notion that, because it’s ‘our special day,’ we get to literally order our guests to fake an attraction to whomever we choose for them.”
“You’re getting married, folks. That’s all. You’re not being crowned King and Queen. Your ‘special day’ isn’t permission to move people around like props in your imaginary kingdom. It’s the marriage that matters, not some perfectly fake Instagram zoo habitat for spoiled Barbies.” – SuzQP
“If the bride had a miserable wedding night because of this fiasco that she created, that’s entirely on her. And her new husband is pretty d**n patient to be kind and concerned about her while she wraps herself up in unnecessary friend drama.”
“It was his wedding night too, and his bride was more concerned about whether her bridesmaids were hooking up with the ‘right’ groomsman? I’d be pretty hurt, and rethinking whether my new spouse was even mature enough to be married, to be honest.” – perseidot
“I can’t believe they tried to claim the night was ruined for Liz! That’s her own fault for being so invested in Kelly.”
“BUT: I think Kelly is the real a**hole here for making her friend’s wedding night about her. She insisted on attention from someone who wasn’t interested instead of taking it on the chin like a champ and moving on. It’s not fun to be rejected, and watching another person get picked over you would definitely add to that sting. Sure.”
“However, she just met this guy, and it’s her friend’s wedding night. Eat, drink, dance, and support your friend on her wedding night. That’s all she needed to do. I think Kelly is the problem, and Liz is contributing by enabling her or being too nice or being too naive and giving in to Kelly’s feelings.”
“Liz let her night get ruined because she was trying to be a ‘good friend’ to someone lacking… self-awareness? Propriety? Perspective, maybe. I feel bad for the husband too. I’d be pretty hurt and disappointed if my partner spent our wedding night up anyone else’s @ss but mine. Come on, people.” – SnooApples7058
“I am honestly shocked. Kelly asked him why he didn’t want to hook up with her! Either she is waaaaay more confident than I am, or she’s bought into the narrative that most men will sleep with any woman who is willing.”
“Because if I am obviously hitting on someone I know is single and they aren’t reciprocating, the LAST thing I need to know is why. That feels like it’s basically asking, ‘So, is it my looks, my personality, or both you aren’t into?’ It’s just asking for trouble and hurt.” – LF3000
“Liz had a lot more bridesmaids than Tom, so it sounds like some bridesmaids were alone. In any case, Tom may have been persuaded to bring more groomsmen than he originally wanted, which is why OP was surprised at being asked to be a groomsman…”
“I believe Liz was on a mission to pair Kelly up, and considering Tom had a Black friend…”
“If Liz was so desperate for the bridesmaids to ‘pair up,’ why didn’t she and Tom have the same number of attendants?”
“And that’s before we get to the lunacy of ‘assigning’ people to each other as if they were on a job or something. Yuck.” – HappySparklyUnicorn
The subReddit was so weirded out by the dynamics of this wedding, and they were impressed by how the OP simply removed himself from the situation, rather than escalating it, despite how he was accused of ruining the evening.
Even though some relationships might come from friend connections sometimes, not all of these potential connections are going to work out, especially at a busy event like a wedding, made up of people who live long distances from each other.