Tipping etiquette has long been a topic of conversation—especially at the end of a meal out—with many debating whether or not gratuity is necessary, given that wait staff make a livable wage without it.
Regardless of the service level, many still tip at least the societal minimum expectation of 15% for even a less-than-stellar experience. We like to think that many tip much more, but we also acknowledge that is likely not the case.
There are situations, however, that make us question even leaving that base-level 15%, but do we push aside our subpar experience and do what others consider to be the "right thing" by adding a little something to that second line...
or do we impart a life lesson in the form of a dash on the tip line of the check?
A woman on Reddit was scorned by her boyfriend's mother for not leaving a tip after she heard their waitress make racist comments about her, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor IndependentFar8420 asked:
"AITAH for not tipping after overhearing what my waitress said about me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (30/F[emale]) was at a restaurant last night with my mother."
"She was meeting my boyfriend's mom for the first time."
"We're punctual people, so we arrived about 30 minutes before our reservation."
"We got seated with no issues."
"It took the waitress 20 minutes to get to our table even though the restaurant was pretty empty."
"Right away, I could tell that she didn't want to wait on us."
"She didn't greet us with a 'hello,' she just asked what we wanted to drink."
"We told her, and I noticed that she didn't write our order down."
"It took another 15 minutes for our drinks to get to our table, and they were wrong."
"It's hard to mess up a ginger ale and a vodka soda, but she did."
"My mom pointed out that she didn't order a Pepsi, and the waitress rolled her eyes, took my mother's glass, and disappeared."
"I excused myself to use the washroom shortly after."
"I had no idea where I was going, so I went to the entrance to ask one of the hostesses there."
"While I was walking up to the server area, I overheard my waitress talking to some other hostesses."
"She was pissed that she had to wait on 'a black table' because 'they' never tip well."
"My mother and I were the only black people in the restaurant."
"She wasn't even whispering when she said it either."
"I wasn't stunned, but her lack of effort started to make sense."
"I interrupted their conversation, and I asked where the bathroom was. I didn't let on that I had heard what they were talking about."
"When I got out of the bathroom, my boyfriend and his mom were already seated."
"My boyfriend and his mother are white."
"When my waitress saw the rest of our party, she did a 180."
"Her service was stellar. She took notes, told jokes, and our water glasses were always filled."
"She didn't make another mistake."
"Because the night went so well, I decided to treat everyone and pay the check."
"She gave me the machine, and I smiled at her while I keyed in '0%' for a tip."
"She didn't notice until after the receipt had been printed out."
"By that time, all of us had already started to leave."
"She tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had made a mistake on the bill."
"I told her I didn't think so, and looked at the receipt."
"She asked if there was a problem with her service, and I said her service was fantastic, but since I was a black woman, I don't tip well."
"Her face went white, and she kind of laughed nervously, and I laughed as well."
"I walked out after that, but my boyfriend's mom asked what had happened."
"I told her what I had overheard, and my boyfriend's mom said that I should've tipped her anyway because it shows character."
"She seemed pretty pissed at me after that."
"My boyfriend and my mom are both on my side, but I'm wondering if I should've just thrown in a $2 tip?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I worked as a server for six years, and I would absolutely not expect a tip for behaving like this to customers."
"She probably does not make much in tips, and this industry isn't for her."
"It's so inappropriate to ask people why they didn't tip you, this is so embarrassing." - ellaf21
"NTA. I definitely wouldn't have tipped after that."
"Even the waitress knew it was bad when she asked why, and you told her the reason."
"No way should someone tip after that." - Lmaooowit
"Honestly, she needs to learn that lesson the hard way - be kind to people, don't stereotype and discriminate, and don't talk badly behind people's backs."
"You're not TAH. She is TAH." - jeanabanina
"Nah, you pulled a discreet, classy power move on that racist, mate."
"I think you did it perfectly."
"WTH is bf's mother thinking trying to lecture you about it?"
"What would she know about it?" - Top_Airport6285
"NTA and I'm pretty pissed at the bf's mom who thought rewarding a racist would be a sign of character."
"Screams volumes about herself."
"Your response to the waitress was superb." - OceanBreeze_123
"NTA, a tip is for good service."
"I'd say she ruined your dining experience." - EzMowgli
"NTA. I used to be a waitress, and I'm white."
"I used to work with jerks like the waitress you had, and it's unacceptable." - nezrisa
"You gave her a tip."
"Don't be f**king racist." - slater3750
"NTA."
"If your BF and his mother weren't white, the bad service would have continued, and she needed a lesson in treating all patrons equally."
"Throwing her words back in her face was precisely what she needed to hear."
"Your BF's mother has clearly never encountered or had to think about casual racism before." - Front_Rip4064
"NTA - you could have gotten her fired, you could have embarrassed her publicly."
"You showed plenty of character and class." - Odd_Reindeer0251
"NTA. She's lucky you were generous and didn't get her fired."
"As a rule, I'm a '15% is the absolute minimum tip no matter how poor the service is,' but not in the case of blatant racism."
"Your bf's mother should be using her white privilege to stand against this behavior, not enable it. 🙄" - ScienceExtreme8202
Others said they would have even taken it a step further.
"Nah, no tip is fine."
"Actually, you should leave a negative review too, naming her, maybe ask for her boss."
"Thats racism." - 88eth
"NTA. This was perfect."
"You did not cause a scene yet made her perfectly aware of the consequences of her racism."
"This was an incredible teaching moment that hopefully made an impact on a diseased mind."
"I hope she felt a deep shame that will make her reflect and question herself."
"If it were me and I liked the restaurant, I'd ask for a different section and tip extra well the next time, lol." - OregonnoTrix
"Honestly, I would have spoken with management about the blatant racism."
"'No, I don't want the meal comped, and no, I'm not asking for anyone to be fired because I hope that she changes her views; however, also no I am never coming here again.'" - Steve-C2
"As a waiter of twenty-five years, I will say you were absolutely right not to have tipped."
"I would have asked to speak to the manager to explain why I didn't tip."
"(In my case, I have actually done this and told the manager that the "f****t" has no intention of tipping the waiter.)" - Clonbroney
"NTA. You kept it classy."
"I would have gone the extra mile and told the manager that she explicitly had made racist remarks."
"And of course, I would not have tipped." - False-Sky-3127
"Wouldn't be surprised if it turns out bf's mom has a tinge of racism herself."
"NTA, you put that racist POS in her place."
"Frankly, I would've gone above that and gone to the manager."
"She doesn't deserve a job at all" - Nice-Needleworker320
"I would put out a google review on the restaurant" - Azullover44
"Nta buy you did handle it wrong."
"The moment you heard what that waitress said, you should have immediately reported her to a supervisor and requested a new waitress."
"Then tip the new waitress very well."
"Double slap in the face to the first waitress."
"All you did is reiterate what the waitress said."
"You proved to her in her own mind that she was correct."
"Even though you told her that her original behavior and her talking badly about you was the cause, she likely gaslit herself into believing that she was right in her original assessment."
"Don't let disrespect fly for even a moment."
"Call them out immediately." - kmcDoesItBetter
According to her fellow Redditors, OP has absolutely nothing to feel bad about, and her boyfriend's mother needs to reassess her definition of "character."
Hopefully, OP's action taught the waitress a valuable lesson, too.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.