We should talk about respect.
Whether that respect is holding someone’s hand in public or approving the construction of a ramp so I can get into the doctor’s office, it still comes down to respect.
Acknowledging the humanity of someone who isn’t you.
That’s all respect is, really.
So what happens when the lack of respect is so profound that it becomes a danger?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Alone-Panic-3630 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for taking my Fiancè’s dinner after he touched mine?”
A pretty clear introduction.
“I’ll be quick. My female 26 fiance male 32 is blind.”
“We don’t disagree a lot except, he always gets bothered whenever I eat different food from what he’s eating when we go out.”
What?
“Like, if we’re having dinner out and I order else, he’d instantly get upset and accuse me of treating him as less than when I just have different taste in foods.”
“I’d just eat what he eats to keep the peace (I eat out alone as an alternative), but since he clearly doesn’t trust me, he’d randomly touch my plate to see if I’m having the same dish.”
This keeps getting stranger.
“This caused huge arguments between us, and I told him to stop doing it, and he said he would.”
“We went out to eat nights ago, and I ordered the same dish he ordered.”
“When the food arrived, he looked somewhat uncomfortable.”
“I asked what was wrong, and he refused to say, and before I could even grab the fork, he extended his arm and his hand touched the food on my plate.”
“He moved quickly and started excusing what he did, saying he ‘just wanted to make sure…’ but I lost it on him, I felt so grossed out, and there was no way I could eat the food after he touched it.”
Mine now.
“He tried to get me to drop it, saying I shouldn’t be grossed out by his hand, and that I overreacted, etc… but I grabbed his plate and told him that I was taking it as my dinner.”
“He at first asked me to be ‘rational’ and give the plate back, but I refused.”
“An argument ensued, and we had a fight.”
“He then ended up leaving started spam texting me accusing me of being bitter, pathetic and childish, and robbing his dinner.”
“He went to stay with his friend who picked him up, and his friend sided with him, saying I was in the wrong.”
“Even went as far as to say that I was abusing my fiance and financially controlling him when I pointed out that I was the one who paid for the food.”
“The problem is magnified now with him wanting an apology and me refusing to give him one.”
“My parents think I should have more patience and that this is just typical ‘love spats’ between us, but I’m not sure.”
OP was left to wonder,
“Was I the ah with how I handled this?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Several flags on the play.
“NTA”
“List of red flags:”
“Him insisting you eat the same food as him”
“Him feeling he has the right to check to make sure”
“Him putting his hands on your food”
“Him continuing to touch your food after saying he would stop”
“There is something going on there, and you shouldn’t ignore it.” ~ Curious_Puffin
“I agree with all of this, I would also add his enlisting his friend on his side.”
“His friend’s idea of support is ridiculous.”
‘”Financially controlling him’ because she points out she paid for the meal? What a drama queen.”
“I think this relationship sounds like it has run its course, there is a fundamental lack of respect and denial of autonomy, and it’s all coming from her bf” ~ KombuchaBot
“And the demand that she ‘be rational’ – after he irrationally stuck his hand in her meal.”
“I think the rational course of action would be the one taken by the OP – ‘you wanted to touch a meal, you can eat it – and I will take the meal that you did not touch'”.
“Sounds completely rational.”
“Instead he gaslights her … ‘My actions were completely normal, you’re acting emotional'”.~ CriticallyApathetic
OP did return with some…clarity?
“I want to point out that this is not the case when we ate at home; he has no issue with me eating different food.”
“But in public, it’s a different story.”
The future is concerning.
“Yeah.. I’d think long and hard about marrying this man.”
“Remember, one partner goes in saying if they love me, they’ll change, while the other would get angry if they changed.”
“Blind or not, this guy has issues that will not change.”
“If you are ok with that, fine, you love him. But don’t marry him if it would be too sad to call it off or you have too much invested in him and the relationship.”
“NTA, Trust me it is a lot harder on everyone if you dissolve a marriage than a relationship.” ~ gnew18
“NTA but your fiancé is being unreasonably controlling.”
“The fact that he wouldnt eat the plate that he touched shows he knows it’s a disgusting thing to do.”
“Then he gets pissy and goes pouting at his friend’s house? For what?”
“All this drama because of his unreasonable hangup about you eating different food than him.”
“DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.”
“He WILL use his disability at every turn to make you the bad guy; seeing how controlling he is now, it probably will get ten times worse when you’re married.”
“The fact that you’re even questioning yourself in this instance shows that he’s spent a significant amount of time convincing you that him having control over you is normal and how it should be.” ~ Krunkks
“Absolutely agree 100% with this NTA verdict.”
“This is about control, not his disability, and he’s just using that as an excuse.”
“Source:”
“I am legally blind, and if I ever tried to pull sh*t like this, the person with me would be well within their rights to stab me with a fork!”
“Not that I would ever dream of doing such a thing, and if I had ever done so even as a child, it would soon have been swiftly and mercilessly dealt with by my parents, which is exactly as it should be.” ~ LadyFinduillas
“‘DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.'”
“This has not been said nearly enough.”
“If he’s like this now, what’s it going to be like when OP is legally bound to him??” ~ NHRADeuce
Some couldn’t imagine this was real.
“There’s no way this is real.”
“Are there really people out there so deranged as to force their partners to eat the exact same meal as them on top of all the other weird stuff going on?”
“I can’t rationally judge if YTA or NTA because the situation is mind-boggling bizarre.”
“If this is real, then this is basically the one and only singular time in all of reddit history that I’ve seen that reddits cry to ‘immediately dump him’ is actually warranted.” ~ fongletto
“He’s blind, not deaf.”
“He heard you order.”
“And if you did order the same thing, and it was then proven that you ordered the same thing, why would he care about having the plate he touched instead of the one he hadn’t?”
“Something weird is going on here that is not at all what you’re saying it is. That may be because he never told you. But something weird is going on.” ~ Agitated_Budgets
“Every warning system is going off and you’re not listening.”
“Why on Earth would you always have to eat what he is having?”
“How dare he question your own food choices or ever feel it’s ok to touch your food to ‘make sure”!”
“Then, even though he has verified it is the same dish, he doesn’t offer you the non-touched food and is angry you want the clean plate.”
“He’s telling you who he is in every way. He trusts you so little that when you say you have the same dish, he doesn’t believe you.”
“This will get worse over time, and people will likely always side with him, and you will always come off as TA.”
“Don’t walk, run…” ~ KnocksOnKnocksOff
Touching someone else’s meal isn’t just a violation of respect. It’s a violation of basic cleanliness.
Reddit clearly felt the OP’s behavior during dinner, and the fallout afterward, was out of line.
While a disability may require a specific accommodation: a cane or a ramp or braille – it must never require someone else to be subjected to abusive, controlling behavior.
We hope this couple can have an honest, frank discussion about what played out over dinner or reassess their relationship status altogether.