Redditor Infinite-Gyre put his foot in his mouth when he asked his girlfriend about her toilet habits.
The Original Poster (OP) asked his girlfriend a question that implied he was pointing out her weight.
The OP's girlfriend got understandably offended causing a bit of a disagreement between the pair.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for some insight.
He asked:
"AITA For Asking My Partner if She Sits on the Toilet Seat?"
He went on to explain.
"My [24-year-old Male] partner [22-year-old Male-to-Female] have been together for nearly four years and just got our own place."
"I purchased a couple of those "clip on the toilet bowl" fresheners for our bathroom but upon installing it, realized it goes over the rim of the bowl."
"I realized this could be an issue for my girlfriend as I wasn't sure if she used the toilet seat or sat on the rim of the toilet."
"For some context, I'm 6'0" and 150 pounds, so I'm a thin guy. I always use the seat, and if a toilet doesn't have a seat, I hover because I will straight up fall into a toilet if I'm not careful."
"My partner, however, is 6'0" and 280 pounds."
"I don't consider her fat. I never think of her as fat. And I'm always trying to tell her how good she looks."
"I've never been a not thin guy and I know people who are larger than me tend to use the toilet sans seat and sit on the rim of the bowl."
"In all our four years together, I've never taken note of how she uses the toilet, so I asked her:"
"'Do you use the toilet with the seat up or the seat down?' She was confused at first, and I should've deduced the answer from that, but I'm a little stupid."
"After explaining my question in more detail, she asked if I was calling her fat."
"Of course, I replied with 'no' and explained it wasn't about weight, I just wanted to be sure the toilet freshener wouldn't keep her from using the toilet."
"She was offended anyways, and I felt at the time that it was a bit unreasonable to feel that way. We had a bit of back and forth regarding that and agreed to disagree."
"That was yesterday."
"Today, she brought it up again, and I told her that I maintain my question was not about her being fat or not and that it was only because I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be disrupted by the toilet freshener."
"She called me an a**hole for defending my question and doesn't believe that my question was not about her weight."
"She asked if I was sorry at all, and I told her, honestly, no'. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong or that I was being rude."
"She called me an a**hole again and stormed off. I'm left here at my desk starting to wonder if I AM an a**hole."
"I should have just apologized, and typically I do, but I really felt like I didn't do anything wrong. My apology wouldn't have been a lie, I AM sorry that I've upset her."
"But on the topic of AITAH, I'm not so sure anymore."
"The stakes on this are super low, btw. I'm trying to figure out if I'm missing a perspective here that makes me an a**hole. We'll talk about it tonight, no doubt, and go to bed happy with each other."
"We don't ever really fight and rarely disagree, so I figured, 'why not let Reddit weigh in?'"
"So, AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA- no one sits on the toilet bowl rim." - shadow-foxe
"I know I shouldn't laugh, but wtf lol. This is one of the weirdest AITA I think I've read. No one sits on the toilet bowl rim, at least from what I know of, lmao."
"It doesn't matter if you're fat or thin. It would be super uncomfortable."
"I wouldn't say you're an a**hole as such, but it's definitely a weird question. Out of curiosity OP, where did you get this idea that fat people sit on toilet bowl rims from?"
"I've never heard of such a thing. It's bizarre."
"Since I'm on AITA, I guess I have to make a judgment."
"It does seem like you really don't know, and I don't think you intended it to be malicious or anything, but it is a bit of a strange question to ask and a sensitive one, too, as it involves her weight."
"I think you should have left it and let her tell you if she had an issue. So maybe just a slight yta here..." - throwaway748321
"um, what?"
"YTA (and so are your parents) for making it to 24 thinking people sit on the rim of the bowl instead of the toilet seat."
"Your partner is probably as confused as we all are. And yeah, I'd kind of wonder if you were calling me fat too if it made any sense at all." - Ok-Profession-9372
"NTA"
"I'm a bit incredulous, like everyone else responding, because I have never encountered anyone before who thought, even for a moment, that anyone uses a toilet (in the seated position, of course) without putting the seat down."
"And, I know some guys who are pushing 400 pounds and can guarantee you that they all use the toilet seat."
"So color me surprised that OP did not know this."
"The fact that this came to your mind did have to do with her size, and even though you don't consider her fat, your question was motivated by her size and definitely hit her the wrong way."
"What you need to do now is sit with her and, yes, apologize."
"Even if you felt you did nothing wrong, you should still apologize because your words, even though offered with no malicious intent, did hurt her feelings."
"Explain to her your misconception, that you thought that toilet seats were there for skinny folks and you were concerned for her comfort."
"Tell her you are an idiot for believing that and that you meant no disrespect and are deeply sorry that you hurt her."
"Tell her you never saw her that way, and your own naivety led you to ask a hurtful question."
"So I'm not ready to call you the AH, but you did hurt her feelings and need to be sympathetic to that." - Sea-Tooth-8530
"NAH."
"This is the type of post I live for, where a Redditor learns something incredibly basic about the world we live in that may/may not shake up their entire worldview." - WalterBishRedLicrish
"NTA. You apparently thought sitting directly on the rim was more common than it apparently is. I have never heard of anyone doing this, but maybe they do."
"You were trying to be thoughtful, not hurt anyone's feelings. 280 is quite heavy, and you shouldn't have to pretend it isn't." - AllCrankNoSpark
"I keep reading comments like 'YTA because you're clueless'"
"First of all, the idea that using the toilet rim instead of the toilet seat is an absolutely ridiculous notion and pretty disgusting."
"But I just really don't get how unintentional ignorance = a**hole?"
"Like, is OP willing to understand they were misinformed and apologize and realize they had no idea what they were talking about? Yes? Then NTA."
"If OP was somebody who just ignored everything and fully stood by 'NO! THIS IS THE TRUTH!' despite there being no conceivable reason for that to be the case, then yes they'd be an AH."
"But being ignorant due to being misinformed by your peers/parents growing up? Idk, I don't think that automatically makes somebody an AH." - slobby7
"If you genuinely didn't know, you wouldn't be the AH. Though I'd agree most everyone reading this, as well as your partner, assumes everyone knows the context of how women use toilet seats."
"So it may come off as you're an AH." - kelskels19
The OP went on to add to his original post:
"So here's what I've learned today:"
"A) I have a very strange family."
"B) I failed to realize that I was making an assumption based on very limited data."
"The assumption being that some people don't use the toilet seat and the data limited to the maybe 15 people I've ever witnessed using the restroom in 24 years of life."
"C) I am, in fact, very sorry to my girlfriend for being such a naive an** and asking what I now realize was a profoundly stupid question."
"In all, I'm glad to have posted here. In the future, I'll carefully consider exactly /why/ I think something is true and on what data I base that belief."
"I talked with my girlfriend, laid it all out, and decided to take my lumps, though she offered none."
"We had a good talk, and she and I are back to playing Factorio and Baldur's Gate 3, respectively."
There needs to be a new category: NTA but definitely the idiot.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.