Redditor Infinite-Gyre put his foot in his mouth when he asked his girlfriend about her toilet habits.
The Original Poster (OP) asked his girlfriend a question that implied he was pointing out her weight.
The OP's girlfriend got understandably offended causing a bit of a disagreement between the pair.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for some insight.
He asked:
"AITA For Asking My Partner if She Sits on the Toilet Seat?"
He went on to explain.
"My [24-year-old Male] partner [22-year-old Male-to-Female] have been together for nearly four years and just got our own place."
"I purchased a couple of those "clip on the toilet bowl" fresheners for our bathroom but upon installing it, realized it goes over the rim of the bowl."
"I realized this could be an issue for my girlfriend as I wasn't sure if she used the toilet seat or sat on the rim of the toilet."
"For some context, I'm 6'0" and 150 pounds, so I'm a thin guy. I always use the seat, and if a toilet doesn't have a seat, I hover because I will straight up fall into a toilet if I'm not careful."
"My partner, however, is 6'0" and 280 pounds."
"I don't consider her fat. I never think of her as fat. And I'm always trying to tell her how good she looks."
"I've never been a not thin guy and I know people who are larger than me tend to use the toilet sans seat and sit on the rim of the bowl."
"In all our four years together, I've never taken note of how she uses the toilet, so I asked her:"
"'Do you use the toilet with the seat up or the seat down?' She was confused at first, and I should've deduced the answer from that, but I'm a little stupid."
"After explaining my question in more detail, she asked if I was calling her fat."
"Of course, I replied with 'no' and explained it wasn't about weight, I just wanted to be sure the toilet freshener wouldn't keep her from using the toilet."
"She was offended anyways, and I felt at the time that it was a bit unreasonable to feel that way. We had a bit of back and forth regarding that and agreed to disagree."
"That was yesterday."
"Today, she brought it up again, and I told her that I maintain my question was not about her being fat or not and that it was only because I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be disrupted by the toilet freshener."
"She called me an a**hole for defending my question and doesn't believe that my question was not about her weight."
"She asked if I was sorry at all, and I told her, honestly, no'. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong or that I was being rude."
"She called me an a**hole again and stormed off. I'm left here at my desk starting to wonder if I AM an a**hole."
"I should have just apologized, and typically I do, but I really felt like I didn't do anything wrong. My apology wouldn't have been a lie, I AM sorry that I've upset her."
"But on the topic of AITAH, I'm not so sure anymore."
"The stakes on this are super low, btw. I'm trying to figure out if I'm missing a perspective here that makes me an a**hole. We'll talk about it tonight, no doubt, and go to bed happy with each other."
"We don't ever really fight and rarely disagree, so I figured, 'why not let Reddit weigh in?'"
"So, AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA- no one sits on the toilet bowl rim." - shadow-foxe
"I know I shouldn't laugh, but wtf lol. This is one of the weirdest AITA I think I've read. No one sits on the toilet bowl rim, at least from what I know of, lmao."
"It doesn't matter if you're fat or thin. It would be super uncomfortable."
"I wouldn't say you're an a**hole as such, but it's definitely a weird question. Out of curiosity OP, where did you get this idea that fat people sit on toilet bowl rims from?"
"I've never heard of such a thing. It's bizarre."
"Since I'm on AITA, I guess I have to make a judgment."
"It does seem like you really don't know, and I don't think you intended it to be malicious or anything, but it is a bit of a strange question to ask and a sensitive one, too, as it involves her weight."
"I think you should have left it and let her tell you if she had an issue. So maybe just a slight yta here..." - throwaway748321
"um, what?"
"YTA (and so are your parents) for making it to 24 thinking people sit on the rim of the bowl instead of the toilet seat."
"Your partner is probably as confused as we all are. And yeah, I'd kind of wonder if you were calling me fat too if it made any sense at all." - Ok-Profession-9372
"NTA"
"I'm a bit incredulous, like everyone else responding, because I have never encountered anyone before who thought, even for a moment, that anyone uses a toilet (in the seated position, of course) without putting the seat down."
"And, I know some guys who are pushing 400 pounds and can guarantee you that they all use the toilet seat."
"So color me surprised that OP did not know this."
"The fact that this came to your mind did have to do with her size, and even though you don't consider her fat, your question was motivated by her size and definitely hit her the wrong way."
"What you need to do now is sit with her and, yes, apologize."
"Even if you felt you did nothing wrong, you should still apologize because your words, even though offered with no malicious intent, did hurt her feelings."
"Explain to her your misconception, that you thought that toilet seats were there for skinny folks and you were concerned for her comfort."
"Tell her you are an idiot for believing that and that you meant no disrespect and are deeply sorry that you hurt her."
"Tell her you never saw her that way, and your own naivety led you to ask a hurtful question."
"So I'm not ready to call you the AH, but you did hurt her feelings and need to be sympathetic to that." - Sea-Tooth-8530
"NAH."
"This is the type of post I live for, where a Redditor learns something incredibly basic about the world we live in that may/may not shake up their entire worldview." - WalterBishRedLicrish
"NTA. You apparently thought sitting directly on the rim was more common than it apparently is. I have never heard of anyone doing this, but maybe they do."
"You were trying to be thoughtful, not hurt anyone's feelings. 280 is quite heavy, and you shouldn't have to pretend it isn't." - AllCrankNoSpark
"I keep reading comments like 'YTA because you're clueless'"
"First of all, the idea that using the toilet rim instead of the toilet seat is an absolutely ridiculous notion and pretty disgusting."
"But I just really don't get how unintentional ignorance = a**hole?"
"Like, is OP willing to understand they were misinformed and apologize and realize they had no idea what they were talking about? Yes? Then NTA."
"If OP was somebody who just ignored everything and fully stood by 'NO! THIS IS THE TRUTH!' despite there being no conceivable reason for that to be the case, then yes they'd be an AH."
"But being ignorant due to being misinformed by your peers/parents growing up? Idk, I don't think that automatically makes somebody an AH." - slobby7
"If you genuinely didn't know, you wouldn't be the AH. Though I'd agree most everyone reading this, as well as your partner, assumes everyone knows the context of how women use toilet seats."
"So it may come off as you're an AH." - kelskels19
The OP went on to add to his original post:
"So here's what I've learned today:"
"A) I have a very strange family."
"B) I failed to realize that I was making an assumption based on very limited data."
"The assumption being that some people don't use the toilet seat and the data limited to the maybe 15 people I've ever witnessed using the restroom in 24 years of life."
"C) I am, in fact, very sorry to my girlfriend for being such a naive an** and asking what I now realize was a profoundly stupid question."
"In all, I'm glad to have posted here. In the future, I'll carefully consider exactly /why/ I think something is true and on what data I base that belief."
"I talked with my girlfriend, laid it all out, and decided to take my lumps, though she offered none."
"We had a good talk, and she and I are back to playing Factorio and Baldur's Gate 3, respectively."
There needs to be a new category: NTA but definitely the idiot.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.