The saying is you’ll know when the time is right. It stands to reason then that you’ll know when it isn’t right.
A 24-year-old woman decided her 26-year-old boyfriend’s timing was way off, but her strongly disagreed. After they argued, she turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
The Redditor shared:
“I stopped my boyfriend (26m) proposing during my parent’s vow renewal. Now he’s ignoring me.”
She explained:
“My parents have been married 25 years. They got married at 18, while mum was pregnant with me, on dad’s lunch break, in work clothes, in the registrar’s office, so they never got a proper wedding.”
“Now they’ve hit 25 years, they decided to have a vow renewal on their 25th anniversary, which was 3 days ago (26th). They couldn’t have the large reception they wanted, so this was just me, my siblings, my uncle, and a family friend in the garden of my parent’s home.”
“Mum was wearing a wedding dress, dad in a suit, and they made clear they were treating it like a real wedding and it was basically a re-do of their actual wedding day.”
“My boyfriend and I have been together just over 2 years, moved in together about 6 months ago. On the 26th, my boyfriend was weirdly nervous all day.”
“I figured it was just nerves because some of my family don’t really like him so he gets anxious at the prospect of being around them. Then after the renewal dad says a few words, so does mum, and my boyfriend asks if he can have everyone’s attention.”
“That’s when I see him take out a ring box and my heart just drops, because of all the times/places to pop the question, my parent’s vow renewal/re-do wedding is not the time or the place.”
“He was stood right next to me, so I just sort of grabbed his hand holding the box and put both the hand and box back in his pocket, and when he looked at me I just shook my head. He then pulled the box out again and I whispered ‘not here’.”
“He seemed to accept that and gave a short speech about my parents. A little later we excused ourselves and got back in the car to go home, at which point he turned to me and went ‘what the f’k was that?'”
“I said I should be asking him that, he said he was trying to be romantic, I told him he missed the mark. We spent the entire drive home totally silent.”
The Original Poster (OP) found out some important information once they got home.
“We get home, he pulls up Facebook, and shows me messages between him and my parents, where they have given their express consent for him to propose at the vow renewal. I text my parents asking about it and they both confirmed it, and mum said she was surprised he didn’t end up doing it.”
“It’s been 3 days, and he’s barely spoken to me. He’s slept on the sofa every night, despite me asking him to come to bed.”
“I’ve asked to talk about it, the first time he said ‘it’s no big deal, let’s just drop it’ and since then he’s just been flat out ignoring me.”
“I want so badly to talk this out, but he’s so upset with me for f’king up his proposal and I have no idea how to fix this. Is there anything I can say/do to get him to talk to me?”
Redditors suggested everything from ignoring the problem—since her boyfriend was—all the way to immediately breaking up with him.
The OP decided not to take the more extreme advice. They opted for the communication and counseling option.
She provided an update.
“I went and talked to him. I said that I wasn’t saying no to the concept of marrying him one day, but I was saying ‘not now,’ because first we need to work some shit out.”
“No more ignoring me for days on end or shutting down in general. We are going to arrange couple’s counseling, and if he ever shuts down on me like this again we’re done, because I cannot be with someone who refuses to speak to me when there’s an issue.”
He’s apologized for how he acted, said he was embarrassed, and he admitted that he knew that this was too soon.”
“He recently went to his hometown, during which he had a conversation with his brother about seizing the day, and this somehow turned into his brother giving him their grandmother’s ring and convincing him to pop the question.”
“He’s also attributed the shutting down to some stuff from his childhood (he’s asked me not to go into detail), and after discussing it we think the shutting down might be due to a fear of him directing the worst of his anger at me.”
“He has also agreed to individual therapy to get further into all of that. We talked a little more about the timeline on marriage and we’ve agreed to revisit the topic after we’ve developed better communication skills.”
“He’s feeling a lot better now we’ve spoken, and he’s even joked that it’s probably a good thing I stopped him proposing as he’s realized that my parent’s vow renewal was a terrible setting, and I admitted that before this conversation I wasn’t sure I’d have said yes.”
“I truly think we’re going to be okay, and just from having this initial conversation, I feel so much better about the idea of marrying him, because he’s shown willingness to work on himself and on our relationship.”
“And before people start calling me an idiot over red flags or whatever please know that this is one tiny snapshot of our relationship and for every 1 dumb/inconsiderate thing he does, he does 999 lovely things and in general he loves and respects me and is a much better guy than the start of this post probably makes him sound.”
The OP and her boyfriend discovered there is no perfect moment to propose, but hopefully there will be a time that’s right for them.