Part of growing up is learning about limitations.
Hopefully, as a child, a person experienced the word "no" and the difference between wants and needs, but not everyone has.
It can be jarring as an adult to learn you can't always get what you want because of things like money, time, responsibilities, and obligations.
Learning about dealing with the logistics of adult life really should be a mandatory class for all children.
There used to be a course for high school seniors titled "Independent Living" that covered things like budgets, schedules, basic cooking, sewing, car maintenance, and other household needs and chores. It was a great introduction to life outside the home of a parent or guardian.
A young woman dealing with the reality of adulthood turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Hannah_Hatter asked:
"AITA For 'forcing' my boyfriend to go to a wedding with me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (24, female) was invited to go to a wedding next week. It's for a friend (23, male) who I've known since high school, and I haven't seen him in a while."
"He lives in North Carolina, I live in Missouri where we grew up. I've been planning and saving for two months to go this wedding, and I'm so excited to go.
"The problem is my boyfriend (25, male) doesn't want to go. He says he feels like we've been moving around too much."
"He helps his family a lot and has been having to get some things done on his truck, regular maintenance plus getting a new instrument panel when the old one went out after a bad storm. He doesn't want to drive 14 hours just for the weekend."
"Also, there's someone we don't get along with going and he doesn't want to see him. He's worried about a day off I'd need for a job I'm starting at—I'm calling them in the morning to see if anything can be done."
"And I'm sure other things I'm either forgetting/he hasn't told me."
"I told him if he's worried about his truck, we'll take my car. I'm worried about my car mostly because it needs maintenance and I need to update my plates and it's short notice to change transportation plans, but I'm willing to make it happen."
"Taking a train or a plane would cost us $800 and I don't feel like that's worth it at all for just a weekend. I'm already paying $300 for the hotel stay. He doesn't trust my car either though."
"I also told him if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to and I'll go alone. He doesn't want me to go alone, he's worried something will happen."
"He brought up the fact my car died on the side of the road a few days ago. It needs and is getting a new battery this week, the battery's old."
"So if he goes, he's going to be cranky and uncomfortable the whole time, but he'll be that way if I go alone anyways. I don't know what to do at this point."
"I've been looking forward to going to this wedding for two months and all of this is just coming up now. The hotel's already booked and I told my friend I'm coming, but I don't want my boyfriend to be unhappy."
"AITA if I go/'make' him go with me to this wedding?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I feel like no matter what I choose, he'll be uncomfortable or unhappy."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA) and needed to face facts.
"It doesn't sound like you're in the financial position to make the trip and he is making excuses instead of saying the truth… The truth is that neither of you are in a position to go." ~ Kaxa-Katajina
"Yeah, if he's got a slew of maintenance to do on his truck and her car literally died in the side of the road the other day, they don't have reliable transport to get there." ~ Mrminecrafthimself
"I think he made it pretty clear why he didn't want to go citing personal, financial and transportation issues."
"Sounds like he's being logical in many ways by trying to avoid a possible conflict with another person while at a mutual friends wedding, avoid potentially being stranded on the side of a highway or mountain road because of their both having vehicle reliability problems, said vehicle reliability problems causing repairs that require money that they may already not necessarily have, but then by taking time off of work and then spending all the money needed for said trip would push back resolving those mechanical issues even further thus potentially delaying or stopping one or both of them from getting to their source of income—their workplace."
"And then that could lead to more problems, so on and so forth. OP is the one who needs to think about this from a more logical and adult like standpoint and, as much as it sucks to miss a friend's union, it's better than causing more problems when it sounds like they've already got a few of them as it is that need taking care of."
"It's one thing if they had plenty of money and could have all these things easily taken care of, or fly and rent a vehicle, but it doesn't appear to be that way, so this trip really doesn't sound like a good idea." ~ Evening_Ad6180
"You've been saving to go to a wedding for two months without even thinking about reliable transportation? Good grief."
"And starting a new job that you're going to try to get time off from immediately? Priorities, people. YTA." ~ CrazyOldBag
"YTA. You have literally not given any thought to how impractical this trip is. Driving 28 hours in a weekend to save the cost of a plane ticket is an incredibly poor use of resources."
"Do you have any idea how much the gas is going to cost you? How about the wear and tear on your already faulty car?"
"Your boyfriend doesn't want to put that many miles on either of your faulty cars and doesn't think you should piss off your new job by taking time off so soon after starting."
"Your only real retort to all of this is 'but I wanna!'." ~ rutfilthygers
A Redditor revealed this wasn't the only time the OP posed a version of this same question, having also asked the relationship advice subReddit for feedback.
"OP got all of this same advice on her other post where everyone also told her she can't afford this trip. She's YTA for that alone."
"She has 1,000 excuses for every suggestion made. She doesn't want real opinions, just an echo chamber to tell her she's right and her boyfriend is wrong." ~ Glum_Airline4017
"Well, she's an a**hat then. I came to those conclusions already as well, but yeah, she needs to think more like an adult and see all of the other responsibilities that need to be addressed and resolved before creating a slew more of them by venturing out on a long road trip—and through the mountains at that—in either of their vehicles."
"Not to mention all the other personal and relationship issues that could and probably will come from the trip. If you ask me, the boyfriend's being completely responsible and logical about the whole thing." ~ Evening_Ad6180
The folks at relationship advice subReddit also thought the wedding wasn't feasible.
"14 hours each way—she didn't mention that. So over a whole day of driving. Which is half the weekend."
"And both of their cars are ill equipped to handle it and OP just started a new job and already wants to ask for time off... boyfriend is the only one using reason and common sense here."
"OP, what's likely to happen, if you try to go, is your car will break down or you'll get pulled over for expired plates and lose more money or get stranded. I get that you really WANT to go, but it doesn't sound like you CAN go." ~ snickelo
"Sounds to me like going to the wedding is a really, really bad idea. There's a very long list of reasons why you can't/shouldn't, but the main reason you should go is basically just 'I really want to'." ~ ThrowRA_Witty-Bunch
"You've listed more cons than pros—it's not logical to go to this wedding." ~ Level_Ad9198
"Your boyfriend raises a valid concern about your car (and his to be honest). Driving 14 hours in either vehicle sounds to be a pretty big risk and at that point I'd consider taking public transport."
"It doesn't sound like you're financially in a position to be taking vacations either. Whether or not the added cost is worth it depends on how close your friend is to you, but writing on the wall says to sit this one out." ~ throwra012205
"Going to this wedding would be a very, very bad idea from what you describe. No good vehicle to drive, and you're obviously not financially stable enough to be making weekend retreats."
"I understand that it may not feel good to miss a close friend's wedding, but ultimately if you're not in a position to attend, you can't force it to happen without repercussions."
"I don't think your boyfriend is being controlling here. From your post alone, it's clear that it isn't safe for you to drive your car or really even his for that much distance."
"I don't see any indication of whether he's against you attending the wedding for any other reason, so I could be wrong, but he seems to have legitimate concerns." ~ Pope_penetration
All signs seem to point in a direction OP doesn't like and refuses to accept.
Some people just have to learn the hard way.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.