Part of growing up is learning about limitations.
Hopefully, as a child, a person experienced the word “no” and the difference between wants and needs, but not everyone has.
It can be jarring as an adult to learn you can’t always get what you want because of things like money, time, responsibilities, and obligations.
Learning about dealing with the logistics of adult life really should be a mandatory class for all children.
There used to be a course for high school seniors titled “Independent Living” that covered things like budgets, schedules, basic cooking, sewing, car maintenance, and other household needs and chores. It was a great introduction to life outside the home of a parent or guardian.
A young woman dealing with the reality of adulthood turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Hannah_Hatter asked:
“AITA For ‘forcing’ my boyfriend to go to a wedding with me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So I (24, female) was invited to go to a wedding next week. It’s for a friend (23, male) who I’ve known since high school, and I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“He lives in North Carolina, I live in Missouri where we grew up. I’ve been planning and saving for two months to go this wedding, and I’m so excited to go.
“The problem is my boyfriend (25, male) doesn’t want to go. He says he feels like we’ve been moving around too much.”
“He helps his family a lot and has been having to get some things done on his truck, regular maintenance plus getting a new instrument panel when the old one went out after a bad storm. He doesn’t want to drive 14 hours just for the weekend.”
“Also, there’s someone we don’t get along with going and he doesn’t want to see him. He’s worried about a day off I’d need for a job I’m starting at—I’m calling them in the morning to see if anything can be done.”
“And I’m sure other things I’m either forgetting/he hasn’t told me.”
“I told him if he’s worried about his truck, we’ll take my car. I’m worried about my car mostly because it needs maintenance and I need to update my plates and it’s short notice to change transportation plans, but I’m willing to make it happen.”
“Taking a train or a plane would cost us $800 and I don’t feel like that’s worth it at all for just a weekend. I’m already paying $300 for the hotel stay. He doesn’t trust my car either though.”
“I also told him if he doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t have to and I’ll go alone. He doesn’t want me to go alone, he’s worried something will happen.”
“He brought up the fact my car died on the side of the road a few days ago. It needs and is getting a new battery this week, the battery’s old.”
“So if he goes, he’s going to be cranky and uncomfortable the whole time, but he’ll be that way if I go alone anyways. I don’t know what to do at this point.”
“I’ve been looking forward to going to this wedding for two months and all of this is just coming up now. The hotel’s already booked and I told my friend I’m coming, but I don’t want my boyfriend to be unhappy.”
“AITA if I go/’make’ him go with me to this wedding?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I feel like no matter what I choose, he’ll be uncomfortable or unhappy.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA) and needed to face facts.
“It doesn’t sound like you’re in the financial position to make the trip and he is making excuses instead of saying the truth… The truth is that neither of you are in a position to go.” ~ Kaxa-Katajina
“Yeah, if he’s got a slew of maintenance to do on his truck and her car literally died in the side of the road the other day, they don’t have reliable transport to get there.” ~ Mrminecrafthimself
“I think he made it pretty clear why he didn’t want to go citing personal, financial and transportation issues.”
“Sounds like he’s being logical in many ways by trying to avoid a possible conflict with another person while at a mutual friends wedding, avoid potentially being stranded on the side of a highway or mountain road because of their both having vehicle reliability problems, said vehicle reliability problems causing repairs that require money that they may already not necessarily have, but then by taking time off of work and then spending all the money needed for said trip would push back resolving those mechanical issues even further thus potentially delaying or stopping one or both of them from getting to their source of income—their workplace.”
“And then that could lead to more problems, so on and so forth. OP is the one who needs to think about this from a more logical and adult like standpoint and, as much as it sucks to miss a friend’s union, it’s better than causing more problems when it sounds like they’ve already got a few of them as it is that need taking care of.”
“It’s one thing if they had plenty of money and could have all these things easily taken care of, or fly and rent a vehicle, but it doesn’t appear to be that way, so this trip really doesn’t sound like a good idea.” ~ Evening_Ad6180
“You’ve been saving to go to a wedding for two months without even thinking about reliable transportation? Good grief.”
“And starting a new job that you’re going to try to get time off from immediately? Priorities, people. YTA.” ~ CrazyOldBag
“YTA. You have literally not given any thought to how impractical this trip is. Driving 28 hours in a weekend to save the cost of a plane ticket is an incredibly poor use of resources.”
“Do you have any idea how much the gas is going to cost you? How about the wear and tear on your already faulty car?”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t want to put that many miles on either of your faulty cars and doesn’t think you should piss off your new job by taking time off so soon after starting.”
“Your only real retort to all of this is ‘but I wanna!’.” ~ rutfilthygers
A Redditor revealed this wasn’t the only time the OP posed a version of this same question, having also asked the relationship advice subReddit for feedback.
“OP got all of this same advice on her other post where everyone also told her she can’t afford this trip. She’s YTA for that alone.”
“She has 1,000 excuses for every suggestion made. She doesn’t want real opinions, just an echo chamber to tell her she’s right and her boyfriend is wrong.” ~ Glum_Airline4017
“Well, she’s an a**hat then. I came to those conclusions already as well, but yeah, she needs to think more like an adult and see all of the other responsibilities that need to be addressed and resolved before creating a slew more of them by venturing out on a long road trip—and through the mountains at that—in either of their vehicles.”
“Not to mention all the other personal and relationship issues that could and probably will come from the trip. If you ask me, the boyfriend’s being completely responsible and logical about the whole thing.” ~ Evening_Ad6180
The folks at relationship advice subReddit also thought the wedding wasn’t feasible.
“14 hours each way—she didn’t mention that. So over a whole day of driving. Which is half the weekend.”
“And both of their cars are ill equipped to handle it and OP just started a new job and already wants to ask for time off… boyfriend is the only one using reason and common sense here.”
“OP, what’s likely to happen, if you try to go, is your car will break down or you’ll get pulled over for expired plates and lose more money or get stranded. I get that you really WANT to go, but it doesn’t sound like you CAN go.” ~ snickelo
“Sounds to me like going to the wedding is a really, really bad idea. There’s a very long list of reasons why you can’t/shouldn’t, but the main reason you should go is basically just ‘I really want to’.” ~ ThrowRA_Witty-Bunch
“You’ve listed more cons than pros—it’s not logical to go to this wedding.” ~ Level_Ad9198
“Your boyfriend raises a valid concern about your car (and his to be honest). Driving 14 hours in either vehicle sounds to be a pretty big risk and at that point I’d consider taking public transport.”
“It doesn’t sound like you’re financially in a position to be taking vacations either. Whether or not the added cost is worth it depends on how close your friend is to you, but writing on the wall says to sit this one out.” ~ throwra012205
“Going to this wedding would be a very, very bad idea from what you describe. No good vehicle to drive, and you’re obviously not financially stable enough to be making weekend retreats.”
“I understand that it may not feel good to miss a close friend’s wedding, but ultimately if you’re not in a position to attend, you can’t force it to happen without repercussions.”
“I don’t think your boyfriend is being controlling here. From your post alone, it’s clear that it isn’t safe for you to drive your car or really even his for that much distance.”
“I don’t see any indication of whether he’s against you attending the wedding for any other reason, so I could be wrong, but he seems to have legitimate concerns.” ~ Pope_penetration
All signs seem to point in a direction OP doesn’t like and refuses to accept.
Some people just have to learn the hard way.