We've all heard of feuding siblings and even issues between twins.
But it's less common to hear about a twin spreading false allegations about their twin's partner, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Cute_ginger_2 had spent a lifetime with a twin sister who did not respect her boundaries, but when she was preparing to get married, she was shocked by how far her sister was willing to go to try to sabotage the happy couple.
When her twin sister made a move on her future husband and then made false accusations about him, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to cut her out of her life.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for blocking my twin sister because she tried to sleep with my fiancé?"
The OP had a complicated relationship with her twin sister.
"For context, my twin and I are identical twins but different heights due to childhood illness. I am shorter and more petite due to the illness, but I am now a healthy 28 (Female) adult."
"My fiancé (29 Male) is now my husband."
"My twin and I already had a complicated relationship due to her not respecting boundaries, expecting me to be available whenever she wanted, and having hissy fits any time I spent time with my own friends."
"But then SHE would cancel our plans an hour after we were supposed to meet to spend time with her friends. This was a continual ongoing issue throughout our whole lives."
"To her, I should be available to her 110% of the time, hate any friends I made, hate any guy I dated, I should only want to be with her."
The OP was furious with her sister for pushing her husband's boundaries, as well.
"My husband is an amazing, patient, handsome, fun-loving man. I could not ask for a better life partner."
"When we started dating, my twin reacted to him like all of my exes (interrogated him, assumed he was going to be abusive for (x number of reasons), hostile, etc... to clarify my husband is NOT abusive."
"My husband knew that being close to my family was REALLY important to me and made his best effort to get my twin's approval. He jumped through all of the hoops and trials and even made friends (or so we thought) with my twin."
"He is now also really close with my parents and grandparents and sees them regularly even if I am at work."
"My twin is also married (and was engaged at the time), so we thought nothing of her now being friendly with my husband."
But then the OP's twin sister went way too far.
"One evening while my husband and my twin were hanging out (we were roommates at the time, and the couples were in separate bedrooms), and they had a good chat about life."
"When they went to hug goodnight, my twin pressed her boobs on my husband and said, 'I appreciate what we have, whatever this is,' and tried to kiss him."
"My husband rejected her advances and then called me immediately afterward (I was at work)."
"I tried asking my twin what happened for context and she just gaslit me about it."
"She also had a meltdown right before my wedding and has been super petty since."
"I have now blocked her because she refuses to apologize for trying to sleep with my husband and spreading rumors."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA, except for waiting so long to block.
"NTA, I hope her remarks about your spouse haven't upset him. To be honest, I wouldn't talk to her again out of respect for him."
"It's particularly strange because, according to her husband, identical twins that I have known have generally desired to be treated as unique individuals rather than as deeply ingrained or as people who are out to take each other's lives." - xbabyvelvet
"OP, definitely NTA! Please watch your back. Your twin sounds toxic and doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart." - Melodic_Ranger926
"OP needs to learn to stop putting her husband in awkward situations. It's OP's mess to fix and that'll start with distancing from said twin. Blocking is a good start."
"The next step is telling everyone what happened, the history of similar occurrences, and warning everyone not to act as sister's flying monkeys."
"If the twin never faces any consequences for being a sh*t sister, why would she bother changing?" - ExcitingTabletop
"The OP should stop placing her husband in uncomfortable situations, OP has to learn. The first step in cleaning up OP's mess will be to cut ties with said twin."
"It's an excellent idea to block. The next step is to explain what happened, provide a history of related incidents, and issue a warning to everyone about acting like their sister's flying monkeys."
"Why would Twin bother changing if there are no penalties for being a bad sister?" - butterflyxboo
"For letting her sister treat her husband in this manner, OP is a jerk. OP needed to have established appropriate limits as soon as she began accusing him of being abusive. The husband is lucky that his sister didn't try to make up a bogus accusation against him."
"If my spouse put me in a scenario like this with their family, I would be really angry with them and might even reconsider my relationship with them." - xhoneypeach
Others agreed and were sure the OP's sister would never take accountability.
"She's taking her time but eventually, she'll think to say to you, 'I was testing him. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't cheat on you. He passed!'" - nylonvest
"Since the beginning, your sister has been poisonous, and you have tolerated it."
"Eliminate her permanently. No thanks for accepting. Too much harm has been done. In my opinion, I would quickly file for divorce from you if you were my partner and you had forgiven your sister.
"Inform your family that you won't be at the get-togethers she attends." - quietxgirl
"NTA for blocking your sister, but YTA for not doing it sooner."
"She's a narcissist and evil. You need to shed her and her toxicity from your life immediately. You owe her nothing. You've been too nice to her, she doesn't deserve it, and you are being an AH to yourself and your husband." - HotRodHomebody
"Your sister has been toxic since day one, and you allowed it."
"Cut her out for good. No accepting apologies. too much damage is done. Personally, if you were my partner and you forgave your sister after her, Sexually assaulting me and then spreading lies, I'd divorce you in a heartbeat."
"Tell your family, and gatherings she is in you will not be." - WinterFront1431
"The twin sister and her husband might need to be reminded of the definitions of slander and false accusations. A cease and desist letter from a lawyer might serve as a solid reminder. Cut communications with your sister and her husband. If anyone else believes her, do the same."
"You seem unable to put your foot solidly down where your twin is concerned. Your husband sounds like a gem. Protect him. Protect each other." - AmbienWalrus1
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few meaningful clarifications.
"I want to say thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and added to this conversation. As I have said to some, this was more of a vent post than genuinely wondering if I was the a**hole."
"Also, just cause my parents keep trying to guilt trip me into mending things with my twin. So I am posting here because I feel like I am completely rational for cutting her out of my life."
"But when I visit my parents, they keep trying to get me to make amends with my twin 'because she is sad and having a hard time.' So this is more of an (I have cut my twin out for x,y,z reason but my parents are making me feel like an asshole post)."
In short, the OP didn't intend to end the block.
"At this moment, I have no intention of EVER having contact with her again. Even if she did apologize."
"When the event first happened, my hope originally was that it was a misunderstanding. It clearly was not, and when she didn't apologize to my husband, that was it. Out of our lives for good."
"I wanted her to apologize to my husband for his closure because he didn't deserve to be treated the way he was. I don't expect my husband to interact with me ever again, nor would I ask him to. It has been almost a year since we limited and cut off contact."
"She didn't start the rumors until after the incident. Like I said, they were good friends up until that point. We obviously started cutting ties after the incident and didn't hear about the rumors until much later."
"I wouldn't force my husband to live or have relations with someone if they were actively trying to sobatoge him or cause him harm."
"Also, it is only my twin and her husband who are spreading rumors. As I said earlier, no one in my family believes the things she is saying nor agrees with her behavior."
"The current issue is that my parents want to try to make up with my twin and her husband because they feel bad for her. I have zero plans or wishes to reconnect with my twin."
The OP was also starting to have issues with her parents.
"The relationship with my parents has become more limited the more they suggest we mend the relationship with my twin. At first, my parents were really supportive, and on board with respecting our cut-off of my twin."
"Only recently have they started trying to get us to contact her. She lives very far away, so not seeing her has not been a problem. However, I think more recently she's been contacting my parents about how 'sad' she is about the whole thing."
"Essentially, she is trying to guilt-trip my parents, who then are now trying to guilt-trip us. Which is quickly leading us to cut off contact with my parents more and more."
"My other siblings have held strong in not allowing my twin any knowledge about my husband and me. We are worried that my parents might start telling my twin about our lives, which is a big no."
To confirm, the OP's sister's husband was also part of the problem.
"People have been asking about her husband's thoughts on it. My twin essentially has told her husband, 'Nothing happened,' and that she did not hit on my husband, that my husband is lying, etc."
"Her husband believes her and is also pushing the rumors that my husband is a pedophile, etc."
"Her husband spent so much time trying to s**t talk my husband at the family get-together that different individuals asked them to stop talking about my husband and me because they were getting so annoyed. It's also how my husband and I found out about the rumors."
"None of my other siblings believe or agree with the rumors that my twin and husband have spewed. Honestly, the only people still defending my twin and her husband's actions are my parents."
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset with her sister and encouraged her to block her.
If anything, they argued that the OP should have done it sooner before her sister could do something this serious.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp