Recently, Redditor PomegranateOrnery904 proposed to his girlfriend.
He was met with a happy “Yes!” only to be followed by a confusing argument.
This argument ultimately steered the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to fix a wedding date without consulting our parents?”
He went on to explain.
“My girlfriend [26-year-old Female] Sarah and I [26-year-old Male] have been dating for a few years now. Our parents are fine with the relationship, and there were basically no issues at all.”
“I asked her hand out for marriage today, and she said yes. She appeared excited enough for it, and then the conversation turned to what date we should perform the wedding in.”
“I told her that we can fix a date after consulting both of our parents, and she appeared surprised.”
“She asked me what I want to consult the parents for, that we can just fix the date and inform them about it in that we’re getting married that day.”
“I told her I absolutely wasn’t going to do that and said it’s not as if they’d refuse it anyway. They’ve already approved the relationship, but it’s important to consult them before setting a date.”
“She attempted to convince me just to decide it ourselves as it was ‘our life,’ but when I refused point-black to entertain her, she accused me of being a ‘Momma’s boy’…”
“…and that I can’t think for myself. She got up and left and hasn’t contacted me since. It’s been a few hours now.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“What a good start to a marriage. Edit: ESH” – NotThatUsefulAPerson
“Start planning with an approximate date in mind. Communicate that to your parents.”
“‘Good news, we are getting married, and we aim for August 2024’”
“Then start the planning and choose the date that works best. If the parents have any wishes/objections/thoughts on certain dates, they can give them without pressure.”
“I don’t understand how the two of you can make an argument about this. Both are so stubborn and inflexible. And the difficult part is still to come. ESH.” – BeterP
“Kinda YTA”
“Best thing in this case would be both you & your fiance coming up with a date, then letting the parents know & if they have any inconvenience; if so, you all can talk over it.”
“That way, you two can select your own wedding day. Your fiance got angry because she didn’t like that you’d ask your parents to consult the date instead of doing it yourself & with her.”
“The day is about you & her, not your parents” – bookwormofdanmei
“YTA”
“Yeah I can’t imagine why you would need your parents’ approval of the date.”
“Do they need to do some tarot card reading or something?”
“You pick the date and inform them of it–I’m sure they can clear their schedule. If there is some extenuating circumstance, I’m sure they will let you know.” – Applesbabe
“‘Our parents are fine with the relationship’”
“Why does this matter?”
“‘I told her that we can fix a date after consulting both of our parents’”
“Why would you consult them first”
“‘I told her I absolutely wasn’t going to do that, and said it’s not as if they’d refuse it anyway.’”
“Again, why is their acceptance or refusal the priority”
“‘They’ve already approved the relationship,’”
“Again, why does their approval keep coming up?”
“You basically said to her that your parents will be the controlling factor in your lives if she marries you. She is rightfully re-thinking the relationship right now.”
“YTA, and quite possibly single again.” – delkarnu
“YTA. If you’re sure they won’t have a problem with the date, why are you so set on needing their approval? What do you mean by ‘consult’ anyway?” – FuzzyMom2005
“NTA.”
“If the parents are to be involved (does she want to walk down the aisle with her dad? He’d better be able to be there then)…”
“…or if it’s imperative they be there (emotionally, family ties, etc.), then yes, consult them.”
“If the wedding is to be 3-4 years out, it’s less important; but if they’ve already got commitments on the day you happen to choose, what then?”
“‘Hey, parents, we’re getting married! We’re shooting for May 28, 2025. Please let us know right away if you have prior, concrete commitments that date.’” – Top-Personality1216
“Her momma’s boy comment made me think, is this something that has come up before? Could this have been building, and this comment is what broke the camel’s back?”
“She could also just want to be engaged without other people’s involvement right away. Take a beat, recoup, and talk about it again.”
“During these moments emotions run high, and expectations are made.”
“This is a great time to practice being open and honest with each other and learning how to communicate, which is a major foundation of marriage.” – basilinthewoods
“NTA”
“It makes sense that you want to make sure the people in your life can make it to your wedding.”
“We had to work around three different school breaks across two countries, and even then, it was hard for a couple of people to make it.”
“Maybe sit down with her and work out a couple of dates and then go to the parents to see if there are any clashes?”
“Ultimately, it should be whatever dates work for you both, but there’s no harm in double checking your families can make it!” – Select-Anxiety-1557
“YTA.”
“Why do you need to ask them or consult with them? Is there a valid reason?”
“Because unless you’re verifying it’s not the same date as someone other major life event (which you should already be keeping track of since you’re an adult), then yes, YTA.”
“Needing to check with mommy and daddy does come off as juvenile and immature” – Disastrous-Nail-640
“‘When I refused point-black to entertain her, she accused me of being a “Momma’s boy” and that I can’t think for myself.’”
“There seems to be some important context missing here.”
“INFO: is this the first time she’s accused you of being a mama’s boy? Or have there been other incidents?”
“Do you truly want to just get your parents’ input, or is it really just your mom you’re worried about accommodating?”
“The ‘point-blank refusal’ is a bit of an AH move, IMO. I’m not sure why you couldn’t compromise by asking her if she had any dates in mind and then talking to your parents.”
“Maybe she has her heart set on a spring wedding, or a winter wedding, and she wanted to know your opinion before you ask your parents?” – mamachonk
“YTA. You just had a beautiful, romantic moment with your future wife.”
“A simple conversation about possible dates should be ‘no big deal’ – it’s not locked in stone immediately – so why not keep the happy going and share ideas?”
“You say you don’t have apron strings, but clearly your fiance sees your parental dynamic quite differently.”
“Given that you just brought them into the marriage within minutes of the proposal – I find HER more believable.”
“Regardless, your fiance just told you that you are adults and this is a Couples’ moment, and that she is not comfortable with your need to consult your parents:”
“Instead of COMMUNICATING and discussing it, as adults would, you shut her down. FYI: You are NOT ready for marriage yet, but you have a great start on your divorce.” – TrainingDearest
“NTA. It’s super common to check in with important guests before settling on a date for something like a wedding.”
“It’s also really common not to settle on a final date until you’ve confirmed availability with your preferred venue too.”
“I don’t know what your fiancee is on about, but if this is how she deals with conflict, you might want to put a pause on wedding planning until you two learn how to communicate better.” – loligo_pealeii
“YTA I can see that you’d want a date that they could attend, but are you actually letting them set the date for when you get married? And they ‘had to approve of your relationship’?”
“Are you in a culture where they have more say in an adult child’s life than in US?” – SScrivner
“NAH.”
“Presumably your parents are near the top of your guest list. If you choose a date that happens to be in the middle of their big vacation plans, you might want to adjust the date.”
“But that’s not the problem. Dates can be set and then altered. What your fiancee wanted was a sense of your timing.”
“Like, is it next spring or 3 years from now? Or the kind of ‘maybe someday’ where people think ‘being engaged’ is a semi-permanent status.”
“Or maybe she was looking for ‘as soon as possible’ from you. Or she asked you so that you could ask her what SHE thought. You literally placed your parents’ concern above hers.”
“I also sense that there’s more history here for her to accuse you of being a ‘momma’s boy’ so quickly.”
“If she’s had disagreements with your mother, she may be looking for you to ‘stand up to them’ and pick a date.”
“If that’s her attitude then you saying ‘they already approve the relationship’ might actually be a negative. I mean, did you ask them before you asked her??” – 1962Michael
Hopefully this couple can iron out their communication before that wedding date – whenever it is.