Workplace friendships can be great, but if things go south…
You still have to work with the person. Unless you’re the boss, you’ll have no control over how closely you’re required to work with them.
The last thing you want is to take an issue from outside the workplace, bring a confrontation into the office, then find out you’ve been assigned to work one-on-one with someone you just confronted.
A newlywed dealing with a wedding day issue with a work friend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on their options in a “Would I Be The Asshole” (WIBTA) hypothetical resolution.
Unknown-Language-94 asked:
“WIBTA if I confronted my coworker for wearing white to my wedding and then bringing no gift too?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, female) just had my wedding this past weekend. It was so much fun, but I couldn’t help but notice that my co-worker (27, female) that I invited was wearing a floor length white dress at the wedding.”
“I didn’t say anything, but I was very taken aback. Especially since I had vocally told her the dress code after she asked me and it was on our wedding website.”
“My maid of honor also commented on this to me, but I just let it go because I didn’t want it to put a damper on my big day.”
“Now a couple days have passed and we’ve been going through our gifts and all the cards we received, compiling a list so I can get the thank you notes all in order. I noticed that she also didn’t give us anything.”
“Now I fully understand not everyone is in the best place to give a gift, but I still think giving at least a card saying congratulations that cost maybe a dollar would be an appropriate thing to do. It has nothing to do with being materialistic, but just the principle of the matter.”
“I’m a little baffled and put off by the whole thing. Especially since I would consider her a friend at work and we have known each other for over a year and a half. It is why I wanted her to be there on our special day.”
“She was definitely aware of the dress code because she asked me and I told her that anything formal is fine as long as it’s not white or anything that looks like white. It was also on the wedding website for everyone to see and reference.”
“Would I be an a**hole if I confronted her about this or should I just let it go? I don’t want to come off as crass.”
The OP later added:
“I was unaware of the one year rule about giving wedding gifts, so I’m keeping that in mind.”
“But the part that I’m most upset about is actually her wearing white, especially since it clearly states in our wedding website to not wear a white dress or any similar kind of shade and she had even asked me and I told her that white was off limits, but any other color was fine as long as it was a formal dress.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I am worried confronting someone for wearing white to my wedding and then also not giving a gift will come off as an a**hole move.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole (YWBTA or YTA).
“YWBTA. The wedding is already done. If anything, she made herself look bad with what she chose to wear.”
“And it does seem petty that you’re going to confront her for not giving a gift or card. Because she’s made a couple wrong choices, she could make some other irrational choices at work towards you.”
“Would only likely cause her to be defensive and create strife. You don’t want to be working somewhere if someone’s giving you the cold shoulder or seeing themselves as a victim.”
“Just back off the friendship instead of confronting her.” ~ Having-hope3594
“Everyone now knows she’s tacky as hell. Let that be her consequence. Just don’t knock yourself out trying to be nice to her, cuz she doesn’t give a damn about you.” ~ ca77ywumpus
“We don’t need the maid-of-honor throwing wine on women. Let shame work it’s magic all on its own.”
“Little girl wears a white dress? How cute. Teenager wears one? She may not know yet due to age so cut some slack.”
“Great Aunt Molly? That may be her only nice thing, fixed income—get that woman a corsage and a cocktail and tell that 80 year old rockstar you’re glad she came.”
“But if you’re between 20 and 60 and wear a white dress? We’re all going to talk about you, laugh about you.”
“I’m going to tell the bride to take lots of pictures of Miss White Dress and post them on Facebook and show them around so other people can shame her as well. The internet lasts forever.”
“She will me shamed for decades. That’s more fun than wine or confronting a coworker.”
“Throwing wine makes you look like an a**hat and what’s the point of the confrontation? How does it serve you or your career?”
“Posting pictures of bad wedding behavior on Facebook? That’s next level.” ~ nowaynohowanyway
“YTA. This is so silly. If someone is wearing a white dress to a wedding, they’re generally either clueless and/or lacking in resources, or genuinely trying to be obnoxious.”
“Either way, making a big thing out of it during or after is just going to detract from the actual celebration, draw more attention to it, and either embarrass someone unnecessarily in the first case or accomplish their goals for them in the second case.”
“And really, unless you’re wearing a giant light up ball gown or something, no one’s going to think for more than 2 seconds about what anyone wore to a wedding after the wedding is over. Most people have their own lives to live!” ~ Quaiydensmom
“It is poor etiquette in some cultures, I get that. But if someone wears white, they are not going to outshine the bride.”
“White wearing guest was not at the altar, not doing the first dance, not sitting at the head table….just out there in a sea of people. I don’t get the drama either. YWBTA.” ~ toomanyschnauzers
“She is in the wrong from an etiquette standpoint, but I think you should let it go. It’s certainly expected to receive a gift for your wedding, but it’s pretty damned hard to be like ‘Hey Julie, where’s my gift?’.”
“A gift is still at the giver’s discretion. In terms of the wearing white, that sucks, but I’m sure that to the point it was noticed, other guests thought she had made a bad choice and especially as she is a coworker I think you risk creating unnecessary strife and conflict at work and you’ll be better off without it.”
“It might change your feelings about her, and if so, so be it. You can continue to be purely professional and courteous to her, and keep your relationship exclusively work-related. YWBTA if you made this a thing at work.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“Confronting her is lose lose. You’ll look petty and present hungry. And, if you’re not careful, you’ll start an argument which will taint the lovely memory of your wedding.”
“Let it go. And, next time she invites you to a birthday or party or a wedding simply reciprocate and forget the card and present. YWBTA.” ~ Famous_Specialist_44
“YWBTA. If wearing white to a wedding is a faux pas in your culture, she committed a faux pas and I’m sure any attention she got from her dress was side-eye.”
“Now you know what she’s like, you’ll look weird confronting her at this point, but you know to dial back any friendship you’ve got with her.”
“And gift-giving is traditional at a wedding, but you would come off as crass if you confronted her over that, and it could also make your workplace an unpleasant place.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“Just let it go, at this point what would it accomplish? She is who she is, and it’s not who you thought it was, just keep it in mind going forward, so that you aren’t surprised when she deviates from what you would expect.”
“She’s kind of an a**, on both counts, but how big of a deal is it in the grand scheme of things? I would let it go, but this sort of thing wouldn’t preoccupy my mind, so it’s simple for me.” ~ jeremyism_ab
The OP provided an update.
“Thank you for all the insight on how my response to this situation would influence the outcome. It has been very enlightening.”
“I’m definitely going to distance myself from her and keep our relationship strictly professional from now on.”
“One thing I want to add. Since a lot of people were mentioning her financial situation, while I’m normally not privy to people’s financial stuff, she is one of the few exceptions.”
“She’s been vocal in the past about how much her husband makes and how she chooses to work, but doesn’t have to and things like that. So I don’t think it’s a financial hardship.”
It sounds like the OP is going to take Elsa’s advice and “let it go.”