Weddings are supposed to be a celebration filled with joy and shared by those the happy couple hold near and dear.
The sad reality is, however, that sometimes family members... even parents... aren't able to allow the couple to revel in their happiness and future ahead because of their own beliefs and bitterness.
A woman on Reddit disinvited her mother from her wedding after she said she couldn't wear white since she already has a child, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor EnvironmentalLegal78 asked:
"AITAH for uninviting my parents to my wedding after my mom said my fiancé wasn't eager to marry me and told me I can't wear white?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"30/F[emale]. I got engaged a few weeks ago and am incredibly excited."
"We actually already have a beautiful, happy, and inquisitive four-year-old daughter together."
"We've been living together since my daughter was born and have been together for seven years now, so it already feels like we're married, but we want to make it official before we start trying for our second."
"I met my fiancé Joey (33/M[ale]) my first year of law school."
"We started dating, and in the fall of my last year of law school, I found out I was pregnant."
"I was only twenty-five at the time, was getting ready to start my career, and wasn't married or engaged, so it was a terrifying experience."
"Luckily, Joey was supportive of me."
"He said he'd respect whatever decision I made and that he'd support me no matter what."
"His parents were terrified and definitely thought I should get an abortion when we first told them, but they were also kind and understanding."
"Initially I was going to terminate the pregnancy and went to the clinic twice, but I couldn't go through with it."
"I come from an ultra-conservative Christian family, and my mom especially doesn't think people should have sex before marriage."
"My two older sisters got married in their early twenties and are now stay-at-home moms."
"I'm the only sister who graduated from college, is no longer religious, and has career goals."
"When I told them I was pregnant, my parents were devastated."
"My mom cried, called me 'used goods,' and asked how I could allow this to happen."
"They said Joey and I needed to get married since we were having a child together, and I explained that we didn't want to rush into that."
"My mom called me selfish and said neither of us was putting our baby first."
"They didn't speak to me until my baby girl was born because they were so upset that I got pregnant outside of wedlock and then didn't marry Joey before the baby arrived."
"I see them a few times a year and they certainly love my daughter, but I'm definitely a huge disappointment to them."
"My future in-laws, on the other hand, were extremely kind and helpful during the pregnancy."
"They helped cover my medical care and even rented an apartment for me and Joey to live in after the baby was born since we didn't starting work for a few months after we graduated."
"While I was studying for the Bar Exam, Joey's mom did a ton of babysitting and was always there to help if I needed a few hours to myself."
"I'm so grateful to them and feel even closer to Joey's mom than to my own at this point."
"When we told Joey's parents about the engagement, his mom cried and said how happy she was for us and our daughter."
"She also said she was so proud of us because we stuck together and made the most of things when life didn't go as we planned."
"She offered to help with the wedding, but we said we want to pay for it ourselves."
"We want a very small ceremony with our immediate families, a few close friends, and our daughter."
"We really want it to be about celebrating our family and our little girl and don't need a huge ceremony."
"I told my parents the news last night since we got into town for Thanksgiving, and they didn't seem excited."
"My mom asked if we were having a religious ceremony, and I said no."
"I explained that we want a small, low-key wedding and that we're just eager to get married and make it official."
"My mom then turned to my fiancé and said he clearly wasn't too eager since he got me pregnant and lived with me for four years before asking me to marry him."
"Joey explained that he's known he wanted to marry me for years, but we were focused on our daughter, our careers, and getting out loans paid off and have been treading water since we graduated from school."
"My mom then told him that she's ruined her dreams of her daughter getting married since the event has been spoiled now that we've been living together and already have a child."
"She told me I can't, in conscious, wear white to my wedding since I'm not a virgin and have continued to 'sacrifice my purity.'"
"Typically I laugh off my mom's comments, but I started crying."
"I told my mom that I've tried my best in life and don't need her constant judgments."
"My mom said I'm clearly ashamed of my life choices, and that's why I'm crying."
"I asked how anyone could be ashamed of my life choices when I have such a beautiful little girl."
"My mom said that we should have gotten married years ago for our child and that we're clearly not committed to her or each other."
"I told my mom that I no longer want her at my wedding because she's been nothing but cruel since I got pregnant, and I only want people who love and support us at the celebration."
"My dad said he wasn't going if my mom wasn't included, and I said that's fine with me."
"I cried myself to sleep, and Joey was furious that my mother was treating me so terribly."
"He also told me that he called and asked my dad's permission before he proposed, and my dad was rude."
"He said that he'd say no if it weren't for the fact that we have a child together."
"He also accused Joey of using me for sex and not stepping up for our daughter and marrying me sooner."
"Joey didn't want to upset me, but he thought it was relevant in light of the fact that my parents clearly aren't warming up to the situation."
"Needless to say, he doesn't blame me for not wanting them at the wedding, and he feels uncomfortable having them there too after all the comments they've made."
"This morning, I got a call from one of my older sisters."
"She told me I broke our mother's heart again, and I'd be cruel not to include her in the wedding."
"She also said mom has loved and supported me and my daughter even though she strongly disagrees with my life choices."
"My sister says I've made my own choices, and I can't expect everyone to like and agree with them, but family is family and I should include my mother."
"She also said that if my parents aren't included, she won't be there either."
"AITAH?"
Redditors weighed in and overwhelmingly decided OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA."
"You can tolerate whatever you like, but I hope you aren't going to expose your little burden of sin to these judgmental AHs." - Far_Information_9613
"Respect cannot be one-sided, family or not."
"You're not the AH."
"Mom's about to learn a hard lesson: judgemental people get judgment in return."
"Good luck. ❤" - rainydazeandmundanes
"NTA."
"I'm sorry this is so painful for you now - but the trash is clearly taking itself out."
"Just imagine what these people might say to your daughter when you're not around or when she's older."
"Nobody needs that."
"I hope you have a beautiful, happy wedding day with your true family and continue to live a joyful and fulfilling life with Joey and your daughter (and possible future kids)." - Ok-Map-6599
"NTA. Your sister is flat-out wrong."
"We can disagree with the choices of someone we love without behaving like your mother."
"Her behavior was, quite simply, hateful and unchristian. Judge not..." - Turmeric_Ping
"Nope, nope, nope. You are not the AH."
"One basic tenant of Christianity is to forgive (not that you need it), but your family is holding your feet to the fire (of hell)."
"Go low contact with the all."
"Celebrate your Fiancé's family and have a wonderful life." - Zscalerrguy
"NTA!!! I would go no contact immediately for the sake of your sanity and your child's."
"Sounds like your fiance and future in-laws are a great support system and all the family you need right now!" - ImpossibleHeadstrong
"NTA, and also, canon Jesus would be braiding a whip in your defense right now."
"I'm sorry you have such a pair of miserable a**holes for a sperm and egg donor."
"Your flying monkey of a sister, too."
"Somebody needs to remind them of the verses about judging not and loving thy neighbor."
"Not only are you NTA, I would seriously consider going NC."
"Your daughter doesn't need these jacka**es in her life, and neither do you." - FantasticCabinet2623
Hopefully other Redditors helped OP realize that her wedding might be a more joyous occasion without her parents present. It's a sad reality, but she deserves a day full of happiness.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp