Weddings put pressure on brides and grooms to appease family members. This becomes more complicated when a partner’s family has particular demands.
Redditor snoopgoop7 got married this January and had lots of issues with their new in-laws’s family traditions.
This pushed the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for kicking the majority of my husbands family out of our wedding when they celebrated their traditions but violated many of my personal rules and boundaries?”
She went on to explain.
“Me [27-year-old Female] and my Husband [30-year-old Male] just got married this January, but the wedding was an absolute mess.”
“For context, my husband “Ben” has a very close-knit family that doesn’t take well to outsiders, surprises, or change.”
“Most family reunions and gatherings don’t allow plus-ones or spouses, just immediate family.”
“Ben has 2 brothers and 1 sister. Each of my in-laws have wives/husbands, yet they still aren’t allowed to come to the majority of family events, so it’s fortunately not just me.”
“Even though I cannot attend most events with his family, I still have a somewhat decent relationship with them.”
“Before the wedding I’ve never had a major issue with them, but they’ve always been distant from me and I don’t really mind.”
“Now, let’s talk about the wedding.”
“The wedding was planned for New Years Day, since that was the day we met, the day Ben asked me to be his girlfriend, and the day he proposed, so that holiday has always been very special to us.”
“Everyone agreed that New Years Day was a perfect day for the wedding, so no issues there.”
“Unfortunately, we did have a problem with other things. Ben’s family has lots of odd traditions that they do, and over the years I’ve put up with them and embraced them.”
“They include having a homemade sheet cake rather than a professional wedding cake, wearing all white, and having ALL of the children walk up the aisle to toss flowers rather than having ONE designated flower girl/boy.”
“However, I wanted my wedding day to be good for the both of us, so we made some compromises.”
“We could have the homemade sheet cake, but we both had to agree on the flavor and design, anyone could wear what they wanted (besides white), and there would be no children at the wedding.”
“(My husband suggested that, not me) We talked to both of our family’s, and everyone agreed that these rules and boundaries were fine, (or so we thought).”
“The day of the wedding came, and my side of the family was dressed appropriately, no children were present, everything was going great.”
“Then, Ben’s family came. There were lots of children and babies and everyone was wearing all white.”
“Apparently their traditions were more important than what I had to say.”
“Only 3 people actually respected the rules set in place. The spouses of Ben’s siblings.”
“Ben and I were mortified. We immediately kicked them out and allowed the 3 people who followed the rules to stay, but they left with their partners (which we didn’t mind).”
“The wedding went on as normal, but it felt ruined. We ended up canceling the post-wedding celebration after some of his family members snuck inside.”
“After we came back from our honeymoon, we were both berated by his family members and basically “shunned” from his family.”
“I feel guilty for not allowing them to practice their traditions. AITA?”
“INFO: Both of our families are from the Midwest…”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA, but I don’t know how you expected anything else from a family who has been telling you for years they don’t respect you or any ‘others’.”
“When people tell you who they are, believe them.” – WaywardMarauder
“NTA If you are really lucky, they will continue to shun you.” – BenedictineBaby
“Was this wedding held in Jonestown? NTA” – ParticularAd1735
“NTA”
“But your DH needs therapy with a therapist who specializes in family trauma.”
“He stood up to them for the wedding which is great but probably doesn’t realize how much of this isn’t normal.” – Urbanspy87
“NTA for what you did but…”
“But why would you even marry someone who participates in family events you will never be allowed to attend because you are not a biological family?”
“Will they & your husband insist your children attend but still leave you banned? You ok with them being taught your husband’s fam is their real family that you are not part of?”
“This is a level of group emotional (please be only emotional) incest. It’s creepy & weird.” – KindlyCelebration223
“NTA and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!!”
“They are THEIR traditions. They are NOT YOUR traditions. It is your wedding and your rules. They could ask to include them but should abide by the decision of the bride and groom.”
“They are used to having their way. And they are INCREDIBLY rude by not including spouses in family celebrations.”
“I know my spouse wouldn’t attend anything like that when I would be intentionally regularly excluded.” – Ducky818
“As long as you had the full agreement of your spouse, you were NTA.”
“They are his monkeys and his circus. Your role as a spouse is to support him in dealing with his family, but not to drive his decisions.” – RickRussellTX
“NTA. You and your husband reached a compromise, and all parties needed to respect the boundaries y’all set.”
“Honestly…the whole thing sounds a little culty, ya know!? It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. God bless you for agreeing to the cake.” – Outrageous_Emu298
“NTA. Sorry, but their “traditions” are just weird sh*t.”
“They almost sound like a cult. It’s great that your husband supported you and is willing to walk away from his family’s weird ideas.” – Odd_Task8211
“NTA. First, it’s disrespecting your wishes for the wedding, next for your marriage, next for your children (or dog or cat or parakeet or car or WHATEVER).”
“Sorry that your husband’s family put a damper on what should have been a lovely day for everyone.” – LawGrad001
“His family already shunned you from their traditions but couldn’t hack it when you asked for that same respect for your traditions.”
“Only difference is now you and your husband are both shunned. Sounds like you’re free to ignore them and live your best life.”
“NTA” – NatashOverWorld
“NTA.”
“You’re not saying if there is a specific culture that these traditions are from. Is it safe to assume that these are their own things and not like ancient Macedonian customs or Basotho wedding traditions?”
“Assuming this is just, like their thing, lots of people in the comments saying “cult” and that is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but I would look at if your husband’s family is a high-control group.”
“The BITE model was developed by a former Moonie cult member to identify if someone is in a high-control group and stands for Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control.”
“I would look into if there is some high-control behavior going on with the family and how enmeshed your husband is in it.”
“The extreme isolation of not including in-laws is really troubling.” – WhydIJoinRedditAgain
“NTA”
“If was your wedding and Ben’s wedding. It wasn’t his family’s wedding. Traditions are fun and all, but everyone has to be okay with them.”
“You and Ben came up with a fantastic compromise. His family couldn’t respect either of you. As far as you, Ben, and his bro/sis-in-laws are concerned, NTA.” – 4got10_son
“Have you ever heard of the Wagner family out of Ohio?”
“Well, this story eerily reminds me of that in the sense that families thinking they have the right to impose rules on everyone, no matter who they hurt, no matter the cost.”
“Now, your IL only ruined a wedding, but if this is what they believe and how they act, I’m afraid for you.”
“When you get married, you and your husband are supposed to become immediate family, and the rest secondary, but they have private, secret handshake family events that “Outsiders” can’t go to?”
“What happens if you have kids? Can they go?”
“Please don’t be so in love that you are blind to bad behavior that’s not even close to normal. Cult behavior for sure.”
“You should read books by eissa Walls or Rachel Jeff’s who escaped cults. They explain cult behavior.”
“Till then, block, ignore, rinse, repeat. NTA” – OkRisk2232
The OP went on to update her thread.
“I’m shocked by these comments! For the longest time, I thought my husband’s family was just weird, but you guys really opened my eyes.”
“I think I was blinded by love for the longest time that I never really saw the bigger picture here.”
“I wrote this around April, but I only just recently posted this since I put it in my drafts and forgot about it. We’re still avoiding them and staying non-contact.”
Best luck to the newlyweds.