Very few brides and grooms are lucky enough to be able to invite all of their nearest and dearest to their weddings.
Be it limitations owing to the size of the venue, or the sheer cost of it, nearly all brides and grooms find themselves forced to exclude someone whom they might otherwise wish could make it.
While most prospective wedding guests are understanding of this, some don’t take the exclusion as easily.
Redditor WorldAncient7852 was aware that her close friend was having a fairly small wedding.
But once invites started going out, the original poster (OP) found themselves rather surprised by the fact that certain people made the cut, but one person, in particular, didn’t.
An exclusion resulted in the OP deciding to decline her invitation.
Wondering if she was being insensitive to her friend, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for very politely and with love declining a friend’s wedding invitation because she very specifically invited me but not my partner?”
The OP explained that they found themself less than eager to accept their friend’s wedding invitation after their friend excluded one particular individual.
“Background is I have known my friend for at least 12 years, supported her through health problems and a marriage breakdown, she’s been there when I’ve needed it too, we’ve seen off some tough times together and I and have loved her dearly through it all.”
“Last year she met a new man and they’re getting married soon and of course, I couldn’t be happier for her.”
“He’s lovely, very clever, very kind and he’s crazy about her.”
“This isn’t the first wedding for either of them and he’s quite well off, so they’re having something of a posh but smallish wedding ceremony where his family is and a reception here where she lives, all very exciting.”
“Which makes my question all the more awkward.”
“She’s very specifically invited me but not my partner to the wedding reception.”
“I’ve spoken to the few friends we have in common and they’ve all had partners included, one husband that’s going has never met her.”
“Which means if I did go, I’d be on my own all day.”
“She and my other half (OH) have never fallen out and while I guess he might not be her favorite person in the world, he is mine.”
“He’s not all that posh and yes, they’re very different people, but not to put too fine point on it, that didn’t seem to matter much when furniture needed moving or cars needed checking out before buying.”
“But when it comes to a reception in a very posh hotel, it seems to be a thing.”
“She sent an invitation through with a covering note saying numbers were limited, the invitation is just for me and she hopes he understands.”
“I didn’t show it to him, that just seemed unnecessarily hurtful.”
“So I wrote her what I thought was a very loving letter, saying that I won’t be there with her on the day, that I totally understand that numbers are limited but that I’m very happy for her and will be thinking of her on the day I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
“I suggested we have a nice long lunch after the event and she can tell me every detail.”
“I’ve just come home to find the letter back through the letterbox, torn into pieces.”
“Should I have just accepted the invitation and smiled?”
“Have I been an a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for declining her friend’s wedding invitation.
Everyone agreed that while the OP’s friend ultimately had the right to invite and not invite whomever they wanted, the OP likewise had the right not to accept, particularly if their friend was purposely excluding their partner, and agreed that their friend’s reaction was completely uncalled for.
“NTA This was an invitation, not a summons.”
“You are perfectly in your lane saying no.”
“It sounds like you were loving in your reply.”
“Honestly, the only AH here seems to be the bride.”
“Tearing up and returning your letter was beyond rude.”
“To me that most likely would be friendship ending.”- crazy4pretzels
“She is allowed to invite who she wants, but that has consequences, and this is her chickens coming home to roost.”
“It is considered rude to invite people without their partner, though it is more acceptable if the wedding is very intimate/small.”
“But if you genuinely think she didn’t invite him because he isn’t posh, then that makes her not a very nice person.”
“I think it’s also rude that she invited partners for the rest of your group but singled him out.”
“Either all friends get their long-term partners invited or none of them do.”
“Mixing and matching is rude.”
“However, nobody is obliged to attend a wedding unless they are the bride or groom.”
“She invited you sans partner and you politely declined.”
“She has no right to complain.”- linerva
“But why would you even want to be friends with someone who disdains your partner because he’s not ‘posh’ enough?”
“If you didn’t get the message that she’s not that great a friend from the no-partner invitation, then the ripped pieces returned to you should be making that clear.”
“Some relationships run their course, remember the fond memories and move forward.”- RB1327
“You sure she’s someone you want to be friends with?”
“I’d unfriend her.”- kittycuteikus
“Personally I wouldn’t have even been as nice as you were.”
“I would have directly addressed the fact that my partner is being singled out compared to other people’s random partners that have never met her, and that I find this incredibly disrespectful and rude.”
“I would NOT tolerate my partner being snubbed like that and I don’t see why mince words and be ‘nice’ and polite towards someone who is supposed to be your friend when they’re clearly making a huge faux pas and being incredibly rude.”
“If the husbands she’s never met made the cut, I don’t see how it’s acceptable for your partner who has helped them move and other random favors through the years, would not warrant an invite.”
“The reaction on your ‘friend’s’ part is also incredibly telling of her entitlement and the fact that she likely expected you to roll over and go along with whatever she said.”
“Yet another reason why this situation warranted a firm ‘you got me f*cked up’ response instead of a sweet apologetic refusal.”
“It should have been YOU who was the indignant one, not the other way around!”
“NTA for refusing her invite.”
“But tbh I feel like this is a wake-up call about the dangers of not directly addressing people’s transgressions for the sake of keeping the peace and not rocking the boat.”
“Would this ‘friendship’ had made it this far if you’d been in the habit of calling this friend out when she does sh*tty things?”
“Somehow I highly doubt this is the first questionable thing she has done.”
“Do not, I repeat, DO NOT apologize to her.”
“She will probably be expecting YOU to grovel and earn her good graces back, and if so, you know she only keeps you around because you’re quick to bend over and let her do as she pleases even if it means disrespecting you.”
The OP later returned with an update, revealing that their friend had a somewhat unexpected change of heart.
“She called in tears.”
“Apparently his (very, they’re 30 odd) adult children and much of his family have refused to come to the London thing.”
“Long story but they don’t approve of the swift wedding and it’s causing enormous pain to them both, which I understand.”
“She apologized profusely for tearing up my letter and says she acted so awfully because she’s so stressed and upset and is very ashamed of herself.”
“She got a few refusals today and apparently mine was something of a lightning rod for her emotions, that’s why she did what she did.”
“I’m so grateful to you all for your thoughts because I’d hashed it all out here I was able to be calm and just listen.”
“My partner wasn’t in the least bit offended at not being invited in the end and her excuse for not inviting him was that she thought he wouldn’t be comfortable.”
“That still sticks with me a little bit for some reason but I’m letting it go.”
“She says he’s more than welcome if he’d like to come.”
“Yes, I am ignoring the fact that he’s clearly a space filler now.”
“I had a very long talk with my partner.”
“He thinks we should go, keep the peace and be happy for her.”
“He thinks she’ll have another drama about something else soon enough and I think he makes a good point.”
“I won’t mention the ripped-up letter to anyone, or the invite upset, we’re just going to pretend it never happened.”
“He reserves the right to tell her that he’s coming in a dinosaur costume though and I think that’s fair.”
“He won’t actually do it, obviously.”
“I’m not keen to lose a friend and I’ll try not to, but I probably won’t rely on her quite as much as I have in the past.”
“Thank you all for your comments, it’s been really helpful to talk this out.”
No one can deny that planning a wedding is unavoidably stressful.
Even so, one can’t help but wonder how the OP’s friend didn’t think they would be the tiniest bit confused by their partner’s exclusion, but people she’s never even met making the cut.
One can only be glad that things have somewhat evened out, and hopefully, the wedding will be a joyous day for everyone who ends up attending.