As appalling as it is, there are people in the world who make lying a huge part of their personality, if not their entire personality.
Going no contact with people like this would probably be best, but when we can’t, we have to make sure to have systems in place that keep the liars in our life in check, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Federal_Daikon_6664 had noticed that her son’s future wife had a terrible habit of lying or twisting other people’s words to fit her own needs. To combat this, the Redditor would only communicate with her when other people were present or via text message, never on the phone.
When her future daughter-in-law attempted to spread lies about her among the family, the Original Poster (OP) found herself having to use those text messages as proof of what really happened.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my future DIL (Daughter-in-Law) not to do it again instead of saying I forgive her?”
The OP did not have the most positive relationship with her future daughter-in-law.
“My (44 Female) eldest is going to get married soon, and I have a beautiful wedding dress that I have promised my daughter that she can wear. It’s basically a beaded ball gown.”
“I have issues with my future DIL, nothing major, but she has spread words (lies) that I didn’t say.”
“In the beginning, I thought she was just misunderstanding what I was saying or I did say something that made her mad, so I started to only interact with her through texts or when other people were around.”
The daughter-in-law’s latest lies were the worst of all.
“I haven’t had to use any of my messages until now. She tried to call me earlier this week and I told her I was busy and to text it.”
“I am glad I did.”
“She wanted to use my wedding dress and do alterations to it.”
“I told her no since I promised my daughter that it was hers.”
“The next day, I got a ton of texts from family members about me not being welcoming and telling her that she isn’t my kid.”
The OP finally used the proof that she had saved.
“I got so many messages that I just screenshot the texts and sent them to all the family.”
“The whole family was upset she lied to them.”
“I’m just glad that I noticed her changing my words, even for minor things, and told her to text me instead so I had receipts to show.”
“I got on a FaceTime call with my son and her while my daughter was in the room during this.”
“My future daughter-in-law gave me an apology and I told her not to do it again.”
“Now they are both p**sed that I didn’t say, ‘I forgive you.'”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some suspected the bride and groom were looking for a way to still acquire the dress.
“She probably wants the forgiveness wrapped in the wedding dress, you know, to show that OP has REALLY forgiven her…” – DoIWantToKnow6417
“I think for this ‘happy’ couple, the underlying meaning of forgiveness would be, ‘What you did was perfectly fine, I understand, I forgive you, and yes, you can have the dress as requested (demanded).'” – nextCosmicBuffoon
“She probably wanted to guilt you into giving the dress! Smart move to interact over text as she seems to twist your words to suit her agenda!” – UnusualPotato1515
“One of the hallmarks that someone is actually sorry for their actions and not just trying to sweep the whole thing under the rug is understanding and accepting the consequences, one of those being that they are not owed forgiveness and the wronged party is under no obligation to forgive.”
“Future DIL isn’t sorry, she’s trying to make herself the victim, and it sounds like that’s business as usual for her. If a wedding dress comes of all of this, that’ll just be a bonus for her.” – fluorescentroses
“There are instances where forgiveness takes time. Also, ‘I’m sorry’ can be just meaningless words.”
“There are various other responses to an apology. OP’s response is one, esp in a parent-child relationship. A few others are ‘I accept your apology (or not),’ or ‘I’m not ready to forgive you right now because what you did caused me a lot of —— ( fill in the blank),’ or ‘I think we’re at an impasse because I don’t get that you’re truly sorry.'”
“In OP’s case, I think it would be reasonable to lay out conditions for the future DIL to show how sorry she is by MAKING AMENDS with the whole family… publicly (within the group she bad-mouthed OP) by undoing and showing everyone her contrition about lying to everyone.”
“The condition of receiving forgiveness is a contrite heart.”
“Not a wedding dress.” – Babziellia
Others were concerned that the bride was an abusive partner and worried for the groom.
“NTA, but if your son isn’t hearing clanging alarm bells, he should be.”
“This is manipulative to the nth degree, and if she does it to you, she will do it to him. The engagement period is when people are on their BEST behavior.”
“‘Don’t do it again’ is a perfectly sane way to hold boundaries with someone who struggles with them.”
“You can’t say any of this to him, of course. But, yikes.” – Long_Abbreviations_9
“Did you ask them why she lied? And why she needed to involve the family?”
“These are important questions and her answers could be very telling about her emotional maturity level. It could be a pattern. I have a feeling she’ll be doing this to him also.” – Secure-Particular967
“It is a pattern as OP states she only talks to her in front of people, or via text. She knows what’s up and is covering her a**.”
“People love to manipulate and OP was being given a lesson in what happens if she doesn’t do what the DIL wants. She will twist it and use a smidgen of truth to back up the bulls**t she spreads.”
“My whole family is like this so I am very careful about communication with them. My dad once threatened me, as in he was going to hit me. I said if he hits me, expect the same back with interest.”
“It was spun as me threatening to beat him up. No mention of him threatening me, or getting in my face.”
“I recorded it and sent it to everyone. Then it was spun that I was violating their privacy by recording it. That we could have solved the drama without causing a s**t storm.”
“Just one of the countless interactions where they had their a**es handed to them and had everyone know they were big fat liars. They keep doing it. It’s just their nature.”
“Unfortunately, your son will learn this at some point in his (hopefully brief) marriage.” – SteveJobsStuff
“You should probably tell your son (if you haven’t already) that you have to communicate with his wife through text because she is such a malicious liar.”
“I’d be worried about my son if they were married to someone who lies consistently and to hurt others. How could you trust any words that come out of her mouth?” – Hudre
“To be honest, I’d be pretty worried for your son’s sake. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes around telling people he’s abusive after they’ve had their first argument.”
“Her habit of twisting and inventing things is directed at other people right now, but he won’t be so defensive of her when she turns it on him, which she will eventually.”
“This should be a huge red flag for him. He should be rethinking his engagement, not defending her.” – amymae
“He’s p**sed because if you just say ‘I forgive you,’ then everyone is expected to just pretend it didn’t happen and he can just go on his merry way and she can lie her obnoxious a** off.”
“This puts her actions on record. Everyone in the family saw what she did and knows about it. If you just said I forgive you, she sees that as ‘I’ll also forget and this never happened.'”
“Now if she does something like this again, there’s a precedent she’s set and everyone knows it.”
“NTA. You don’t owe someone who wronged you forgiveness, especially when it was intentional and malicious.”
“This was not an accident or wires getting crossed or something that was just a misunderstanding. She lied about you to your family in order to blackmail you and pressure you into letting her alter and use a cherished family heirloom that was already for all intents and purposes your daughter’s.”
“She knew exactly what she was doing. Your son is just mad now the entire family knows what a lying, manipulative snake he’s marrying (gotta hope he wises up; if she’s like this to other people, I don’t see her being any different with her spouse).”
“NTA, but don’t apologize and don’t communicate with her without witnesses or via texts so you have proof of everything she says.”
“Your son shouldn’t be taking issue with this; he should be taking freaking notes. How long into their marriage is it gonna be before she starts pulling this with him? Before she starts running him down and lying about how he’s treating her?”
“I hope he sees the writing on the wall and takes the out before the wedding; otherwise, he’s just got a preview of what his marriage and likely subsequent divorce will be like.”
“Usually, I’d say good luck to you, OP, but I feel like your son is the one who’s gonna need that.” – acegirl1985
This incident was an easy one for the subReddit to shrug off, as they completely understood why the OP wasn’t ready to forgive her future daughter-in-law, why she’d set the boundary to not do this again, and certainly why she wasn’t giving her wedding dress to anyone other than her biological daughter.
If anything, they found her boundary-setting to be really smart, especially when paired with keeping everything recorded, either via text message or with other people present.
Some people have exceptional lying skills, and the best thing the people in their life can do is look for ways to cover their own behinds to avoid becoming victims of that person’s lying.