Redditor Oliverjenkis is engaged to be married and well on her way to plan her dream wedding.
However one bump keeps coming up in the road – her soon-to-be mother-in-law.
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) MIL is involved (to say the least) with her son’s life.
The MIL told the OP both where she would be getting married and what gown she would wear.
The OP has successfully dodged these demands, but one straw seems to have broke the camel’s back.
This breakdown drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for wanting to plan MY wedding?”
She went on to explain.
“My [22-year-old female] fiance’s mom is extremely controlling. She has been taking various pictures of him throughout his life and has almost documented every second of his existence.”
“Up until he was 17, she would choose what clothes he wore, and made all decisions for him, and refused to let him choose by himself.”
“She told him multiple times as a teen, that she would be planning his wedding and that whoever he found would ‘just have to be fine with that.’”
“Well, I’m not. For a while now, I’ve been wanting to plan my wedding. Like.. any normal bride would.”
“My soon to be MIL, immediately after my fiance proposed, almost started talking to me like I was her child.”
“She told me where I’d be having my wedding, and sent me some wedding dress styles I could choose from.”
“I immediately ey told her no, and said that it was my wedding, and she didn’t have any right to control aspects of it.”
“She was very angry, and told me that I was an AH for not letting her ‘live out her dream.”’But, nevertheless, I continued to plan MY wedding.”
“Everything went sideways when I decided I did not want photos being taken during the ceremony by anyone else but the photographer.”
“I would like everyone attending to be mentally and emotionally present and be respectful of everyone’s view.”
“To be clear, I don’t mean no photos for the whole wedding, I just mean for the ceremony and the first dance.”
“Guests will have permission to take pictures after that, but I want them to keep their cameras down, and enjoy the ceremony.”
“I texted her and explained this to her. She was absolutely furious and said that I was insane and that she would not be following my wishes.”
“She’s gone no contact for the past few days, despite me trying multiple times to explain. I have a feeling she’s never going to let me have the day how I want it.”
“At this point I’m considering telling her that if she can’t accept my wedding for how it is, then she doesn’t need to attend.”
“I know that she will want to take a bunch of group photos, that I don’t know we have time for, and may cause unnecessary chaos regardless.”
“Am I an AH? Should I have just let her take pictures? I feel like I’m ruining things with her, but she won’t let me plan my wedding the way I want it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“Nta. You gotta do this now, or she’s gonna steamroll you forever.”
“But also..you bf needs to back you up. If he doesn’t, you’re better off not marrying him” – Mitoisreal
“Where is your fiance in all of this? Who is paying for this wedding? Some important info. It doesn’t change my vote of NTA, but your fiance should be running interference here.”
“If he isn’t, then you’ve got a long road ahead of you, where his mom tries to run his and your lives.” – TempyIsMyName
“NTA”
“This is easy: If your partner can’t have your back in this, don’t marry him.”
“‘She’s gone no contact for the past few days’ .. sounds like a win.” – Aggressive-Mind-2085
“You didn’t mention how your finance is handling this, so I suspect he is hiding and letting mommy run the show.”
“This is a preview of every event and holiday in your future.” – AnnoyedRedheadedMom
“Info: what has your fiancé said about all this?”
“NTA either way. Your future MIL is trying to live vicariously through you by planning your own wedding and is mad you’re not tagging along for the ride. Stand your ground.”
“If she wants to plan a wedding, she can divorce her husband and then remarry him (though I doubt he’d stick around after that).”
“(She seems like the type to wear white/her wedding dress to another person’s ceremony too).” – RedDendrophile
“NTA But don’t threaten to disinvite her without your fiancé’s support. He should be working with you to ensure your wedding is what you both want, not what his mom wants” – Mammoth_Vanilla_4837
“NTA but her son needs to be the one to tell her to back off and that she’s not in charge.”
“It’s practice for the rest of his life, and if he can’t do this you don’t want to be married to them anyway.” – ParsimoniousSalad
“NTA. Tell your fiancé to talk with her. He can tell her the two of you want photos of the guests’ faces during the ceremony, not the guests holding up their phones in front of their faces.”
“Chances are she’ll take photos anyways by the way. (Something to know and let go so it won’t bother you on the wedding day)” – franticferret4
“NTA. Along with everyone else, I do ask where is your fiancé in this. Because you may have a fiancé problem more than a MIL problem.”
“If your fiancé has spoken to his mother and gotten nowhere, you need to ignore her.”
“You also need to put passwords on all your vendors and give them specific orders not to take any additional instructions from her.” – FuzzyMom2005
“NTA. Oh honey! You aren’t ruining things with her, she’d doing a fine Job all on her own, but it puts you in a tough place.”
“I hope your fiancé is backing you up. I would simply not engage but continue to plan your wedding.”
“You can not reason with a toxic and manipulative narcissist as they will move the finish line and pull in every flying monkey that is afraid of her and kowtows to her.”
“Please contact all vendors, bridal salon etc, involved with the wedding and make sure that you create a password that only you know to verify changes.”
“Don’t tell your fiancé as he could accidentally tell his mom.”
“I got married in 1996, so cell phones weren’t an issue, but I would be furious and disappointed if people stood up in my ceremony to take cell phone pics.”
“I hope you have a wonderful wedding.”
“Your future MIL was my mom. Made my brother go to NC, and it’s no surprise I didn’t get married until after she died. Some people truly have no shame or empathy.” – Temporary-King3339
“NTA, but I would honestly think long and hard about marrying him. He’s been conditioned to do what his mom wants.”
“You don’t make any mentions of him standing up for you or denying his mother’s absurd demands. THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE.”
“You think it’s bad now? Wait til you have kids (if y’all want them). It WILL get much worse.”
“Either way, when you marry him, his mother will always be a part of your life. Is this truly the future you want for yourself?”
“Yes, therapy is an option, but there are no guarantees. It would also get worse as he discovers that shiny spine of his before it got better.”
“I’m not telling you anything definitive, other than THINK THIS THROUGH.” – CautiousCanvas
“NTA. MIL sounds like a narcissist at its finest. You have a fiancé problem.”
“He’s a momma’s boy, plain and simple. If he can’t have your back or refuses to put his mother in her place, please cut and run.”
“Consider, you’d be dealing with this for the entirety of your marriage. This is just the beginning with MIL.”
“Next, she’s going to be hijacking the birth of whatever kid you may have, as well as the showers, birthdays, holidays, etc. You name it, it will be hijacked.”
“You marry into the family. Ergo, you’re getting the crazies in that family.”
“She’s going to show up in white on the wedding day GUARANTEED (the whole it’s “her” dream thing).”
“If you’re committed to marrying into this hellhole of a family, make sure you have passwords for everything…”
“…(and DO NOT TELL ANYONE, including fiancé because he might not be able to keep his trap shut)…”
“…and instruct them that they are not to take orders or requests from her for every vendor, venue, bridal store, makeup artist, photographer, whatever…”
“…so she can’t change the plans on you.” – PinkHairAnalyst
“This isn’t just your wedding, so I urge you to take a beat and talk to your fiance and do something his mom never did…”
“…make decisions with him, as a team, respecting his wishes and needs as much as your own.”
“A wedding is something you plan for years and remember for years, but the day itself flies by in a blur.”
“So before you set the world on fire and uninvite your fiance’s mother, find out what is really important to you BOTH, and then go from there…”
“…picking your battles and the least dramatic ways to win them. A phone and camera-free ceremony is completely normal, and there are plenty of ways to convey that to guests.”
“Write it on a sign, have the Officiant tell people to silence their phones and leave them in their pockets. A nice, steady look from an officiant is great for making people act right.”
“NTA, but take it down a notch, or you will burn yourself out. This is a happy thing you’re planning and it’s gonna be fine. Just remember what and who is important. :)” – External-Hamster-991
When you marry a man, you marry his mother, too.