Rhinoplasty—also called a nose job—is often perceived as just elective cosmetic surgery to improve a person’s appearance. But rhinoplasty is any surgery that alters the shape or structure of the nose.
The reason for rhinoplasty can be to change appearance, but it is sometimes required surgery needed to improve obstructed breathing.
The upper part of the nose’s structure is bone, while the lower portion is cartilage. Rhinoplasty changes the bone or cartilage or skin of the nose, or any combination of all three.
Some people are born with nasal defects requiring surgical corrections, while others are needed after an injury.
A woman needing rhinoplasty to fix the results of a childhood injury made the decision with her fiancé to use their wedding funds to pay for her surgery, which meant postponing their wedding until 2025.
After getting pushback from her mother, the OP turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Wynawtt asked:
“AITA for telling my mom that I won’t postpone my wedding if she pays for my nose job—that I blame her for?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé (34, male) and I (31, female) got engaged in Nov 2023. We were planning a Dec 2024 wedding, but we’ve learned that I need a nose job for medical & aesthetic reasons, so we’ve postponed the wedding until after due to finances.”
“My mom (65, female) is mad about the whole thing & how it will be perceived by relatives.”
“When I was 9, I fell off my bike & broke my nose. Sadly, my mom didn’t believe that it was broken.
“She said I was ‘over-exaggerating’ the pain. She refused to take me to the doctor.”
“It hurt so much, I cried daily for weeks.”
“She was a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) and we live in Canada, so taking me to a doctor wouldn’t have cost her money or time off work.”
“Since then, I’ve had issues with breathing and awful sinus pain—occasionally to the point of vomiting.”
“Flying is torture. Random weather changes are torture. I spend 16-23 days a year in bed immobilized by pain/pressure in my left sinuses.”
“Also, my nose never looked the same after. In middle school, kids said l look like Gollum, and I’m still a little self-conscious about it.”
“The issues got worse as I got older.”
“When I was growing up, we didn’t travel a lot so it was never really triggered by flying. And on the rare occasion we did, the nausea/dizziness I feel could plausibly be explained away as ‘motion sickness’.”
“Or ‘altitude sickness’, the one time we went on vacation to a mountainous region, especially because once the effects of pressure changes wear off, I’m completely fine again. It wasn’t until adulthood and getting jobs with business trips and flying more often that I was able to start making that connection.”
“And, weather used to be more predictable. I’m impacted by weather changes, but it used to be that the weather/seasons were pretty steady.”
“Now our Winters, rather than just being basically cold the whole time, alternate between freezing and thawing cycles so it happens more. It used to just be maybe a few days in the Spring & Fall and a couple days in the Summer when there were thunderstorms coming in.”
“But kids get sick and I always bounce back within 24-48 hours, so it didn’t feel like it warranted much exploration. And it was hard to even recognize the weather-related pattern because it happened so infrequently.”
“Now weather is a lot more chaotic and that means I’m sick more often & it impacts my life more. But it also meant that it was easier to notice the pattern so we can get to work on fixing it.”
“In 2021, I decided that I can’t live like this anymore and started working with my doctor to figure out the root cause of my sinus issues. The Canadian healthcare system moves slowly.”
“A couple weeks ago, I got MRI results back and they established that: (1) My nose was broken in childhood (2) It didn’t heal properly because it had no medical intervention (3) I need surgery for my nose/sinuses to work, so I can live/breathe like a normal person.”
“Since they’re doing surgery on my nose anyway, I decided I want my nose’s aesthetic fixed at the same time. They will make my nose look like it would’ve naturally.”
“Canadian healthcare will pay for the ‘medical’ part of surgery. It won’t pay for the cosmetic part.”
“Nose jobs are expensive.”
“We decided to postpone the wedding so we can pay for my nose job ASAP instead. I can’t wait to breathe properly and to have a ‘normal’ nose.”
“Last week, I told my mom about the postponement, and she flipped. She says relatives are planning their whole year around my wedding, and it is really unfair to do this to them over ‘vanity’.”
“Technically the cosmetic part—fixing the appearance of my nose—is just elective and not really for medical reasons. I’m spending money that was originally earmarked for the wedding on that instead.”
“If I wanted to live with my nose aesthetically the way it is, and just get the function fixed, I could have the wedding as originally planned and keep my mom happy.”
“But I hate the way it looks and figure it’s easier to have one nose surgery & have them fix the aesthetic and the function at the same time than two—function surgery before wedding, aesthetic surgery sometime after.”
“Frankly, if I didn’t need the function surgery I wouldn’t bother fixing the aesthetic at all, but it seems silly not to if they’re messing around with my nose regardless.”
“So my mom says it’s not worth inconveniencing all my relatives over my vanity regarding my nose.”
“I told her that I can’t afford a nose job and a wedding in the same year and that it was unfair to me that she refused to take me to a doctor back in the day. If she really wants the wedding this year, she could pay for my nose job so I don’t have to.”
“We haven’t spoken since.”
“To be honest, since it was confirmed by a doctor that I did break my nose as a kid, I’ve had simmering anger/hurt towards my mom.”
“I’ve lived with awful pain for decades and now need surgery for something that could’ve been avoided if she had just believed me & been a parent… but maybe telling her to pay for the nose job was unfair/too petty.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their conundrum.
“I told my mom that my wedding wouldn’t be postponed if she paid for my nose job because I can’t afford them both at once.”
“I might be the a**hole because it was kind of a petty thing to say, and I’m not entitled to her money.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Hell no, NTA!!! And DO NOT back down. Your suggestion was absolutely perfect. If she wants the wedding to happen on her timeline, she can fork over the cash to fix the problem SHE caused.”
“I don’t blame you for all you’re feeling, you have every right to be furious and hurt. I’m so sorry you’ve had to live in such pain and discomfort your whole life, but I’m so excited for you that it can (and will) be fixed.”
“Breathe easy at your beautiful wedding with your beautiful renewed nose!” ~ Living-Highlight7777
“Make sure all these relatives your mom says will be outraged about the rescheduling know the full and complete story. NTA.” ~ edked
“Methinks mom’s anger is not at all about inconveniencing people—who makes plans ten months out‽‽ The anger is much more likely about the fact that now mom has to explain to her family why the wedding got pushed back.”
“Mom will get all sorts of questions about why OP is getting a nose job and will have to either admit that she failed OP as a parent or lie.” ~ Head-Jump-167
“Mom is gonna tell the whole family that OP is vain and wants a nose job for beauty reasons and neglect to mention the medical part to avoid a bad reputation. NTA.” ~ DrCarabou
“OP spent her whole life suspecting mom did a sh*tty job that day—now she knows mom did a sh*tty job that day, and odds are on a lot of other days as well. In order to grow and heal, we get to be angry before we let it go.”
“OP has every right to fully feel the hurt and betrayal her mother caused her. Having validation from a doctor on this particular incident is probably a massive—if not the most massive—step towards healing so far.”
“OP, don’t let anyone minimize your experiences or tell you to ‘just let it go’. You get to be angry as long as you damn well please. Only when the anger stops liberating you, and starts harming you, should you consider pushing yourself to let it go.”
“Bitterness and resentment might make the heart darker, but anger can liberate it from the darkness… and perhaps even lead to forgiveness should you so choose. Again, NTA.” ~ Living-Highlight7777
“Hey! Fellow neglect survivor. I walked around with a broken arm for a few days because I was ‘being dramatic’.”
“I used to tell it as a funny story until someone gasped instead of laughed and said, ‘wow. That’s messed up’. It was then that I realized how many of the messed up parts of my childhood were normalized in order to just survive them.”
“Good for you for prioritizing yourself, your health, your budget. I’m sorry your parent does not have your back like they should. But you’re doing great! NTA.” ~ jmochicago
“NTA. I’m guessing you didn’t send out invitations yet. How are they planning their year? Also, not to be a jerk, but are we really supposed to believe multiple people are planning their year around your wedding?”
“I’m not saying you’re not popular, but I think your mom is being over dramatic. When you get married is up to you and your fiancé.”
“Your mom can have all the opinions in the world, but she has no say. Your health comes first now, since it never did before.” ~ Vandreeson
“If it was a couple months out, I could sort of see the mom’s point…but man, it’s only goddamn February! Who is planning their entire year around this to the point that plans can’t possibly be changed?”
“No one is booking flights at this point, I guarantee it. The mom is being dramatic, possibly because she knows this is ultimately her fault.”
“Definitely NTA. If someone changed their wedding date when it was still ten months out I would barely even think about it.” ~ BenderBenRodriguez
The OP provided an update.
“As of yesterday, we already moved/canceled everything to do with the wedding until September 2025, so even if she does come up with some money, it’s too late now. Also I don’t really want her money bc it always comes with a lot of strings attached.”
“I’ve been realizing there’s a lot of other ways she let me down/wasn’t a good parent when I was growing up.”
“Another time I fell off my bike and I got a gnarly gash on my leg. When I went to the doctor weeks later because it got infected, my doctor was completely flabbergasted that my mom’s initial reaction was not to take me to the ER because it absolutely should’ve had stitches.
“I have a cool scar now, though.”
“She doesn’t want to admit to herself, to me, or to anyone that she was wrong. Her ego matters more than anything else.”
“So anyway, realizing now that parts of my childhood were definitely more f*cked up than I thought and I definitely need to unpack all that before I have my own kids.”
“Just reading/replying to comments on this thread has made me realize that there’s still more baggage here to deal with & I want to start the next chapter of my life breathing properly, married, and in a better place mentally.”
“Honestly, I am just trying not to dwell on it too much. If I think about it too much, it becomes overwhelming, and I get so angry and so sad. It has impacted my life in so many ways.”
“It impacts my sleep every night. Every vacation I’ve been on, I’m incapacitated for the first 12-36 hours. Having to write exams in university while feeling like garbage. Having to take sick days at work.”
“Even this year, on Christmas, it flared up, and I spent Christmas puking—while still managing to make Christmas dinner for everyone. According to my dentist, it’s impacted my teeth due to mouth breathing.”
“Just… essentially every day of my life since I was 9 has been made worse because of this.”
“And also I just get so sad for my younger self for being so let down by one of the people that’s supposed to be your advocate.”
“And I’m really, really looking forward to putting it behind me. And to some therapy, probably.”
“I have had therapy in the past but not for the last couple of years, but I’m definitely planning on picking it back up again ASAP.”
“I can’t wait to breathe better, sleep better & hopefully live better.”
It sounds like OP has her wedding and surgery schedule all figured out.
Hopefully, they have the same luck with their mother.