We can all agree that the pandemic was long and hard, and it took a toll on all of us in different ways. We all coped in our own ways, from leaving our jobs to losing weight to picking up new hobbies, and more.
While we shouldn't be shamed for how we got through it, we shouldn't try to blame other people for it, either, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ill-Trick4313 was surprised when one of her bridesmaids demanded she buy her a new bridesmaid's dress because it wasn't the bridesmaid's fault for gaining weight.
When the bridesmaid gossiped about her to the rest of the wedding party, the Original Poster (OP) wondered what she should do in preparation for the wedding.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my bridesmaid she'd have to lose weight if she wanted to be in my wedding?"
Plans changed when the OP's wedding was postponed.
"I (28 female) got engaged in late 2018 and planned to get married in mid-2020. Due to world events, the wedding was rescheduled to May 2022."
"I invited 3 close friends and my soon-to-be SIL (sister-in-law) to be in my wedding party and paid for their dresses as well as any other associated costs."
"Between 2019 when bridesmaid dresses were purchased and now, one bridesmaid 'Jane' had put on significant weight."
"In Mid-2021, she started a fitness journey with the goal of getting back to her original weight."
"In February 2022, Jane came to me and told me she couldn't fit into her bridesmaid dress, and she'd need a bigger dress."
But the OP couldn't do what her bridesmaid wanted her to do.
"Since it'd been 2 years since purchasing the dress, it obviously couldn't be returned."
"She gave it back since, but the value had significantly decreased, especially since the dress was now discounted by the store itself."
"FYI, The bridesmaid dresses weren't identical. We went with dresses that went well together/had a similar 'vibe.'"
"I spoke to Jane and told her how much I'd hopefully make from selling the dress and told her I'd give her that amount to buy a new dress, but I wasn't able to buy another one for her."
"She got upset and told me it wasn't her fault she gained weight and couldn't fit into the dress anymore and since I was the bride, I should pay for a new dress."
"I told her that it wasn't personal and I'd have the same response for anyone else."
"I also told her it didn't have to be expensive, just had to fit the vibe or be somewhat similar to the old dress."
"I'm not a bridezilla or anything, so I didn't care too much about what dress she chose to wear and offered to help her find a new dress within budget."
The OP's bridesmaid was not happy with her suggestions.
"She said I was being an awful friend and shaming her for her weight."
"She said she couldn't afford a new dress and said I had to pay for her dress or she couldn't be at my wedding."
"I told her I couldn't pay more than I was offering for a new dress, and I understood that she couldn't be a bridesmaid and I hoped she'd be able to make it to the wedding as a guest."
"I tried wrapping it up but she wouldn't leave. She teared up and called me cheap for not paying for a bridesmaid dress since I'd paid for everyone else's."
"She said that if I really wanted 'my friend' there, I'd actually make an effort and brought up how much we were spending for our wedding and how 'an extra small purchase would be nothing.'"
The bridesmaid proceeded to tell her own version of the story.
"I won't lie, this did upset me. I told her if she didn't want to buy a new dress, the only other options were to not come or find a way to fit into the old dress."
"She broke down crying and ran out, and later told others in the bridal party that I'd told her that if she didn't lose weight, I was going to kick her out of the bridal party."
"Thankfully, I'd already talked to them before this and they didn't believe it, but now I'm getting pressure to buy her a new dress, so we can just move on and get over it."
"I feel like, at this point, I'm unsure if I'm just being stubborn and TA, sticking to my decision and having a backbone, or both."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't believe what the bridesmaid said to and about the OP.
"NTA. You gave solutions, and it's crap that she's saying you're an awful friend and shaming her." - KnightsSkye
"She also said, 'It isn't her fault for gaining weight,' but who's fault is it then? I understand quarantine was hard on many people and I don't try to fat-shame here but that's just ridiculous."
"There could be other reasons outside of her direct control. That doesn't make her less of an ungrateful person."
"Furthermore, the ex-bridesmaid said it was unfair for OP not to buy her ANOTHER dress when she only bought ONE for everyone else. Your ungrateful friend doesn't really sound like someone you'd want as a bridesmaid anyways."
"NTA." - itsyerboyskinnyp**is
"I think the bridesmaid became TA when she refused any sort of compromise and tried to spread the lie that OP said she'd kick her out if she didn't lose weight."
"Thankfully, the OP had already spoken with the others about how to approach it, otherwise, that lie could have grown legs and caused a lot of drama and damage." - PaddyCow
"The way she spun this on OP, OP should reevaluate the friendship at least in closeness. She isn't sad or ashamed or frustrated, she wants to create drama and antagonize OP. You were reasonable in her option whereas she wasn't." - ChickyNuggies6789
"You've already bought her one and it's been returned, you've said it doesn't have to be costly, you've offered to help her look, and you've offered the money from the original dress."
"She's currently on her 'compass of shame,' so it's likely she's angry at herself for the weight gain and placing it on you, but it isn't your fault."
"If she apologizes and backs down soon, I'd still have her as a guest, but under no circumstances a bridesmaid anymore. She went to try and make you look bad to your friends. That's a whole other thing than asking for advice or backup."
"Enjoy your wedding! And NTA, of course." - Important_Sprinkles9
Others said the bridesmaid should be more appreciative of everything the OP already did.
"I have turned down a couple of requests from friends that I be a bridesmaid, because apparently, the standard etiquette is that the bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for everything themselves, including their clothes. This was out of my affordability range."
"I am impressed that you are generous enough to buy the dresses. It sounds like your friend is really taking advantage and pulling out a lot of manipulative stops. I will bet you can find somebody to take her place." - PandoraClove
"I was always under the impression that the bridal party pays for their own stuff. It is generous that OP paid for everyone's stuff in the first place."
"The wedding is close and budgets get super tight toward the end of planning. If OP can't fit it in the budget, the bridesmaid needs to buy it herself." - aspophilia
"I honestly think the only reason it's fully NTA is that the bride wanted to sell the bridesmaid's dress and use that money to buy a similar dress. She even offered to help her look for it herself. That wasn't good enough for the friend and she wanted a whole new dress to be bought that completely matched what she already had."
"If the offer hadn't been made to use the money from the dress for a new one, I'd go with NAH, but she did offer to sell it and get another dress for cheaper. The bridesmaid just didn't want to do that." - SweetKittenLittle93
"She already paid for a dress. She shouldn't have to pay for another. She was going to try and sell the dress and give the bridesmaid the money to buy another one." - PanD0ra30_
"OP offered her the money from the sale of the dress, which is extremely fair. I get that a lot of things can cause weight gain, but that isn't OP's fault, either."
"Instead of being an adult, the bridesmaid called OP cheap, which is extremely ironic, coming from someone who cannot afford the new dress and didn't even pay for the old one."
"But what really sold it for me was the lying and badmouthing of her friend, that is so gross. OP is probably better off without this person in her life." - MelancholyMexican
Conflicted by the strain this confrontation was putting on her wedding party and planning, the OP wondered if she was wrong to refuse the option of buying her bridesmaid a second dress.
The subReddit, however, believed she had already done enough and urged her to think about who she kept close to her in the wedding party.
Behavior like this doesn't make someone think of celebrating, but rather drama and negativity, which is not something someone wants to feel, especially on their wedding day.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.