Weddings are a joyous merging of two disparate families, a coming together in celebration of love.
At least, that’s the idea.
What happens when someone outside the bridal party decides the wedding isn’t enough about them or their child?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) miraclebabyniece when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not letting my miracle baby niece be my flower girl at my wedding?”
OP began with some fantastic news.
“My (27F) older brother and SIL (both mid 30’s) just welcomed their first child a year and a half ago, after YEARS of trying.”
“After many failed attempts, SIL was told that she wouldn’t be able to conceive due to a medical condition she has, they finally got pregnant.”
But sharing the happiness became excessive.
“Since having my niece, the baby has been the center of attention at EVERY family even we’ve had since she was born.”
“Birthday’s, wedding’s, family get togethers, you name it.”
“Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE my niece, but it can get to be a little too much when my SIL goes on and on about how long they tried to conceive, complications they’ve had, miscarriages they’ve had etc.”
“Like a little TOO much info.”
“Many family members have commented on how it’s a little bit excessive, but no one has said anything because they don’t want to sound like an AH.”
OP then got to current events.
“Anyway I’m getting married in the spring and my brother and SIL approached me last weekend about having my niece be the flower girl.”
“Now my fiancé (35M) has two children (10M and 6F) from his previous marriage.”
“His son is one of his groomsmen while his daughter had asked to be our flower girl when we told them the news that we were getting married a year ago, as it’s something she always wanted to do, so, of course, we said yes.”
“So I explained this to my SIL when she asked me about my niece.”
“She asked if my stepdaughter can just carry my niece with her? I said I don’t think she’d be comfortable with that considering she’s 6.”
“She then asked why I can’t give that role to my niece, and allow herself to carry my niece down as the flower girl? I said no because I already promised my stepdaughter.”
“She then starting going off about how my lack of effort to incorporate my niece is disgusting to her. I should ‘honor her’ in some way since I know how long and hard they tried for my niece.”
“Now I may sound like an AH for this but I kind of got fed up and snapped and said:”
‘”Incorporate my niece how? By the time the wedding comes around she’ll be 2 years old.'”
“‘The ENTIRE family already knows your story about how long and hard you guys tried for her. What more do you expect me to do to honor her?”‘
“She started crying and said that clearly I don’t love my one and only niece and I’m ‘letting her down”‘.
“I said of course I love my niece, and obviously she’s going to be involved in pictures and stuff.”
“But I’m not going to let my stepdaughter down by giving my niece a role she’s too young to remember anyway.”
“Well, now SIL and my brother are pissed off with me for not letting my niece be flower girl, and are running around telling the rest of the family I don’t love my niece.”
“My mom had been trying to stay neutral but thinks my stepdaughter would understand if I explained to her I need to give that role to my niece.”
“I’m firm in my decision, though, and my fiancé is thankful that I didn’t let his daughter down.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA for not allowing my niece to be the flower girl?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some people reminded OP who was in charge.
“NTA”
“She’s their miracle baby, not yours.”
“The fact that they want you to disappoint your soon-to-be stepdaughter in order to make their daughter the focus of your wedding is absurd.” ~ KylerJaye
“NTA.”
“DO NOT, for the love of all things holy, let your niece be the flower girl.”
“Your SIL needs to learn that her kid is not more important to you than your soon-to-be stepchildren, you are taking on a big role in the lives of these children, and they have to know that you are going to stick up for them.”
“This is the hill, and if you need to die on it with your SIL then so be it.” ~ Sad-Mall-6704
“‘It’s just caused so much drama in the family that is so unnecessary.'”
“Stop thinking of it as your decision causing drama and start correctly calling it your sister causing drama because she wants to be the center of attention at your own damned wedding.”
“It’s your day, not hers.” ~ BlueMikeStu
Others worried about the child’s future.
“They’re trying to set the expectation that their baby means more than anyone else’s baby, and for that kid’s whole life, they’re going to expect special treatment.”
“& like a 2-year-old would even remember this! A 2-year-old wants to be playing & eating some crackers, not dressing up & going through some lengthy process.” ~ twistedspin
“What’s worse is that the niece will grow up to be spoiled and entitled as hell.”
“She’s never going to hear ‘No.’ from her parents and will be a massive headache to her teachers.” ~ raknor88
“Yep.”
“That girl will grow up thinking she’s the center of the universe.”
“She’ll constantly hear from her parents that she’s a miracle baby & she’ll believe it & act accordingly.”
“When she gets older & starts school & has to deal with other children, it’ll be a rude surprise.”
“She won’t know how to handle cooperating with others after a lifetime of privileged treatment from her family.”
“I get that her parents & grandparents are thrilled to have her, but they’re not doing this child any favors.”
“The longer the special treatment goes on, the harder it’ll affect her when she realizes other people won’t coddle her & cater to her as her parents & grandparents do.”
“NTA OP.”
“You’re doing a great job in standing up for your stepdaughter.”
“She’ll appreciate your support. And although no one else will recognize it at this time, you’re also doing your niece a favor.”
“Maybe your brother & SIL will stop treating her like the second coming of the Christ child & reign in the entitlement before the real world teaches her a painful lesson.”
“Her peers will make sure of that.” ~ jethrine
Of course, there were personal stories.
“My sister dressed my nieces as flower girls when I turned them down.”
“I didn’t want children in the wedding party. I didn’t even acknowledge them, and they were only in a few family pics.”
“My sister wasn’t pleased.” ~ suspicious-pepper-31
“My daughter is the same age as this baby.”
“She was born after four years of trying and four miscarriages.”
“I talk about it occasionally and off-handedly when the situation arises, but it really doesn’t come up much because everyone already knows what we went through.”
“They were there.”
“I’m trying to make sure I don’t raise her as this magical miracle baby who can do no wrong.”
“I want to raise her as a regular kid.”
“It is hard sometimes because, to me, she IS a miracle I thought I’d never have.”
“I have to keep myself in check a lot and remember that to everyone else, she’s just a regular kid.”
“I can’t imagine forcing people to incorporate her into things just because I went through a lot to have her. That’s weird, and as she gets older, it’d probably make her uncomfortable.” ~ sheworksforfudge
“My daughter was 2.5 years old when she was a flower girl in my brother’s wedding.”
“She was so excited she skipped her nap the day of the wedding.”
“By the time the wedding started (late afternoon), she was overtired and in a terrible mood.”
“She decided she didn’t want to walk down the aisle and was in a temper at the back of the church, refusing to go.”
“My husband managed to convince her to go through with it, and she did, but she glowered the whole way down the aisle.”
“We have pictures of her glaring as she forcefully threw flowers in the aisle while walking to the front (it was actually kind of funny in hindsight, not so great at the moment).”
“Anyhow, she was definitely a bit young for the job.” ~ Fluffernutter80
Sometimes, a stand is necessary.
“NTA.”
“Let them be pissed.”
“If ever there was a time to take a stand for your stepdaughter, it is now.”
“Without knowing her story or how she came to be part of your life.”
“She’s six years old, and you’ve made a commitment to be in her life. The moment you make it official revolves around her as much as it does you.”
“You absolutely have every right to honor the stepdaughter over the niece, and these first moments as stepmom are going to cause the ripple that forms the pond that is your relationship for her whole life.”
“Trust me, if you back down now, and give her spot away, it’s going to ruin more than just your wedding.” ~ CassandraArianaBlack
Weddings are a celebration of love and family.
Sometimes, though, egos need to be managed more than the decorations.