There are dos and don’ts when it comes to weddings. The most basic of which is that it’s tacky and rude to propose to someone at someone else’s wedding.
That was the understanding Reddit user burnt-toast29 had, anyway. But when the original poster (OP) denied her best friend’s girlfriend’s request to do just that at OP’s wedding, it kicked off something bigger.
Now OP is worried she damaged her best friends’ relationship. To find out if she’s the bad guy, she decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what went down.
And she never expected to find out so much.
“AITA for spoiling my best friend’s proposal?”
It’s a lot to take in.
“So I, (27F[emale]) am getting married to my fiancé, (27M[ale]) in a little under three weeks. Everything has been going amazing with the planning, and I’m ecstatic for the day.”
“My best friend, ‘Cassie’, whom I’ve been friends with since we were 10 years old is my maid of honor. She is truly one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and has stuck with me through everything.”
“She’s been the biggest help in planning this whole ordeal, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world.”
“However, I’ve never been the biggest fan of her girlfriend, ‘Sophie’. I always show her respect, and try to include her in things, but she’s a huge introvert, and sometimes it can come off as disrespect in return (Cassie’s own words).”
“But, they always seem to be very happy together, so I hope she warms up to me a little in time. (They’ve only been together for a little over a year and a half).”
“Several days ago, Sophie approached me, asking me if I’d be okay if she proposed during my reception. She claimed it would be a great way for Cassie and I to bond more, having our weddings linked and all of that. (Not that we need any more time to bond, she’s already my other half)”
“I love Cassie to death, but I’d never allow that for anyone. I shut the idea down immediately, and Sophie got all pissy with me and left.”
“She said something along the lines of ‘I don’t need your permission anyway’ and walked out the door. This made me fearful that she’d attempt it anyway, so I went to Cassie.”
“Needless to say, Cassie was mad. I never really see her get angry, but she was livid. She apologized profusely, and said she couldn’t believe Sophie would ever think of doing something like that, and that was the end of our conversation.”
“However, two days ago I got another call from Sophie, berating me for spoiling her plan to propose, and was informed that Cassie would be attending the wedding by herself, and is currently not speaking to her.”
“I was concerned that wasn’t the entire story, and so I called Cassie. She was a mess, said she was staying with her parents right now, and disinvited Sophie as her plus one because she was scared Sophie would’ve proposed anyway, given the chance, and she didn’t want to ruin my wedding.”
“I told her to come stay with me for a while instead, and she showed up several hours later, still a complete mess. She said that her and Sophie had a huge fight, and she was reconsidering whether or not she wanted to stay in this relationship.”
“According to Cassie, these huge fights are a common occurrence.”
“I feel awful for ruining her proposal, and potentially ruining her relationship. Cassie has been picking herself up in front of me, and continuing to be great with the last minute to-dos, but I’ve caught her crying while I’m not around.”
“I love her, and I don’t want her to resent me for this. So I need to know AITA? And is there anything I can do to fix this?”
OP is genuinely concerned for her friend’s relationship. But did she go too far?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to let someone else propose at her wedding and ruining a surprise proposal by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Sophie can’t seem to understand why what she did was wrong. It’s OP’s wedding, and she gets to decide if a big moment like that happens.
And OP wouldn’t have told Cassie anything if Sophie didn’t make it sound like she was going to ignore the request anyway and try to propose.
On this alone, OP is NTA.
“NTA. Sounds like you inadvertently did her a huge favor.” – Thequiet01
“Yeah, it sounds like Sophie was going for the public proposal to push Cassie into saying yes.” – SunshineandMurder
“If these big fights are a common occurrence, something is potentially very wrong with that relationship. You saying no to allowing a high-pressure public proposal is not going to be what ends it, it’ll be Sophie’s behavior and their incompatibility.”
“I know your wedding is coming. Just try being there for Cassie when you can, and offer to listen when she needs. You guys are besties – you’ll make it through this.”
“Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.” – Trouble_in_Mind
“Cassie sounds like a complete doll and someone who has always had your back! that is the kinda friend you want to keep in your life forever.”
“I suggest you take Cassie out for lunch/drinks etc just the two of you and tell her you know she’s hurting (breaking up is always painful even if its right) ask her if there is anything you can do to help her, don’t be nasty about her ex just be the same great friend back.”
“Let her know that whatever is going on in your life she is still important and you will always be there for her as she is being there for you!”
“Good luck with the wedding hope its everything you wish for and more.” – tigerz0973
However, as always, there’s more to the story. And it looks like Sophie may be on the outs for good.
OP came back and updated with some new information.
“I went to Cassie with all of your comments, and she broke down. We had a long moment in where Cassie finally told me how Sophie really treated her (she hadn’t previously, because she didn’t want people to hate her girlfriend).”
“I won’t share details for Cassie’s privacy, but needless to say, I no longer respect Sophie.”
“I held her hand as she called Sophie to finally end things. Cassie will be staying with me for a few weeks while we get her things from their shared apartment, and find her a new place to stay (I’ve even asked her to housesit during our honeymoon, more for her benefit than mine, but I won’t share that bit with her.)”
“As many of you have said, I know I’m incredibly lucky to have Cassie in my life, and I’m so glad to be helping her into a new chapter of her life. We will be going out for dinner and drinks tomorrow with my fiancé and a couple of mutual friends (on me of course, as a huge thank you for everything she’s done).”
“Thank you all for your kind comments, we’ll be sure next time to find Cassie a partner as sweet as she is.”
The news was thrilling to the board, who wanted what was best for Cassie.
“Proposing at someone else’s wedding is never a good idea and you were right to tell her you didn’t want her to.”
“Sophie’s reaction was way out of line and I don’t blame you for going to Cassie to ensure it didn’t happen anyway.”
“The fights they’ve been having are on them, including this one. If Sophie can’t stay stable in the relationship that was never on you.”
“Being the catalyst argument that split them up, I could see why you’re feeling a bit guilty, but the last straw is never the only straw. It was gonna happen sooner or later.”
“At least now Cassie can move on to a healthier partner and relationship and she has her best friend to help her through it.” – associaterogue
“Seeing the edit — YES, CASSIEEEEEEE! Go Cassie! OP, tell her she’s a fucking warrior queen and we all are rooting for her.”
“ETA: Also, you are a really great friend.” – BogwitchOfTheBog
“NTA. And from the edit, it seems like you know that.”
“You obviously weren’t the cause of any issues between them. Just the final straw it sounds like.”
“As in, maybe Cassie was willing to deal with whatever issues Sophie was causing to herself, but once they were affecting someone she cared about, that’s when she puts her foot down.”
“Honestly, it’s probably a good thing Sophie asked you if she could propose at your wedding because it allowed all this to happen. Allows Cassie to remove that toxicity from her life and move on, even if it’s hard right now.” – Direct-Decision-5248
OP can move on with her wedding without the worry of a selfish person ruining it, and Cassie can get started healing. As the last commenter said, it looks like Sophie asking to propose was the best thing to happen.