People have strong opinions about theme weddings—especially when guests are given a dress code.
But sometimes it's not about control, it's so all the guests will look and feel like they're at the right event. If everyone is in casual attire, a guest in a tuxedo or gown will stick out.
Some people like drawing attention, but when the wedding photos come out, and everyone's reaction is how out of place or ridiculous they look, standing out stops being fun.
A recent bride is dealing with a situation with her sister-in-law after her new relative decided the wedding's suggested dress code wasn't for them. After words were exchanged over the wedding photos, the newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
KnowledgeHefty3256 asked:
"AITA for 'publicly humiliating' my sister-in-law (SIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I(30s, female) got married to my husband (30s, male) this July."
"Our wedding theme was 'Faerie court.' We only invited close family and friends and asked that they wear jewel-toned dresses and suit jackets."
"It was specified, it literally said: Dark, rich, and deep jewel tones."
"The wedding was in a sort of forest. We also took photos with almost everyone, not just the wedding party (which only consisted of a best man and a maid of honor)."
"My SIL (mid 20s), shows up in a blush pink dress, and her boyfriend (BF) in a cream suit jacket. She thought that that would make her pop I guess (she is an attention seeker, by the testimony of everyone but her mom)."
"Joke on her, my dress was gold and shimmery, and my husband was in an emerald green jacket. Also I was wearing a full-on crown, no mistaking who the bride was."
"When the photographer asked me if she should photoshop them a bit to make them blend in more (since we went with a dramatic photo style that emphasized the deep jewel tones and the 'darkness' of the forest), I told her not to bother."
"Make them look nice, but don't change the colors or anything like that."
"Well, I received the photos 4 days ago. I posted some on my Insta, and most on Facebook (since most of our older relatives use it exclusively), and they (SIL and BF) looked so out of place, they were almost washed out."
"Then, she had the nerve to comment on my post. It was very passive-aggressive, something along the lines of washing her out to make myself stand out more."
"I replied by saying that she washed herself out by ignoring the wedding theme. She deleted her comment."
"But then, we met last night at my in-laws. It was an accident, not planned or anything."
"She said pretty much the same thing. I repeated that she was washed out because the photo style we chose emphasized deep colors. That's why we asked people to wear jewel tones."
"It escalated and ended up with me telling her that she looked like sh*t in our photos (her complaint) because she was a jealous little woman who thought she could upstage me with a $30 dress the color of diluted pepto."
"She started crying and left."
"Now my MIL says I owe SIL an apology for 'publicly shaming her' as well as for insulting her looks."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I might be the AH, because instead of photoshopping my SIL and her BF to make them blend in with the wedding photo theme, I instead asked them to be shown as is and made it publicly known that they chose to ignore the wedding dress code."
They also added:
"I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't even mention her, nor did I post only her photos."
"But I am not the type to let comments slide, and I didn't like her insinuating that I asked our photographer to make her look bad on purpose, to make myself feel better."
"Honestly? This is not that big a deal—my husband has bigger fights with his family almost every other week, and I tend to stay very far from them."
"I only asked if in the event of me being an a**hole, blinded with some sort of bridezilla-esque madness, I would apologize to her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. A) You did not insult her looks. You told her that the color of her dress was a bad choice and that you were aware she chose it to stand out from everyone else."
"B) You already told them the dress code, and they chose to do their own thing."
"Whilst I'm not necessarily for imposed dress codes at weddings outside of the regular expectations (smart/smart casual/cocktail/black or white tie and no white), the fact that they look washed out in the photos is down to their choice of clothing, not the photographs or the photographer or you." ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
"Themed weddings should be an exception."
"When you do a themed wedding, especially a small one like OP stated, asking guests to wear jewel tones to go with the theme makes sense."
"OP didn't force SIL and BF to leave the wedding because they didn't wear it. She just let natural consequences happen." ~ stasiasmom
"NTA. She f*cked around & found out. SIL & her boyfriend tried upstaging you & your husband at your own wedding."
"The photographer offered to Photoshop them, & you refused on the grounds that the photos remain honest. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Don't apologize to what appears to be the golden child. She'll eventually stop talking to you altogether, so that's a win-win. Congratulations on your wedding." ~ GreyJediBug
"Also, I'd wager a bet that if she HAD photoshopped the dress, SIL would still be upset and offended and create drama over it because that's what SIL wanted the whole time, was to create drama." ~ daughter_void
"Yeah, you can never win with some people. Doing nothing at all is the right move, although I wouldn't have even gone as far as commenting back on IG or even entertained the aggressiveness in person."
"Some people try their hardest to piss you off so they can make you look like the bad guy." ~ DroidOnPC
"NTA. She chose what to wear, knowing full well what the theme was and what people were asked to wear."
"She should've realized on her own whether she would stand out in a good way or a bad way, but hey, she got her wish—she stands out from everybody else." ~ Huggle-Puggle
"Yeah, this is it for me—she isn't just complaining that she doesn't look good (in your wedding photos, where she really shouldn't be a factor). She is accusing you of having some sort of weird complex about her."
"I'd be offended too if someone accused me of having them photoshopped because I am so jealous of their otherwise exquisite appearance I just couldn't stand it." ~ GooseCooks
"NTA your wedding sounds awesome, and I'm sure everything was gorgeous! You didn't complain about her not following rules, didn't ask her to leave, and specifically told the photographer not to change how they looked."
"You didn't do anything wrong. SiL tried to steal the spotlight and failed, and any washing out or looking awkward in the photos is on her, not on you."
"I wouldn't apologize, and if MiL keeps insisting, tell her that her daughter caused the problems herself and you didn't publicly shame her. You just responded with the truth."
"Tell MiL if she wants to see what public shaming is, you'll gladly post on social media about SIL actively trying to pull focus at your wedding and how she's taking out her poor dress choice on you when you had nothing to do with it, maybe then she'll see what real public shaming is." ~ thaliagorgon
"Her plan was to draw attention to HER with her pinky-poo dress and her BF in (off) white."
"Instead, she and BF looked washed out and out of place. Her plan not only didn't make her look like the coolest thing ever—she looked foolish."
"Yeah, your insults were a bit much, but she created this mess; you just commented on the mess!" ~ fanofpolkadotts
"NTA. She wouldn't shut up on her own. So you helped her."
"And this isn't publicly shaming her. It was in the privacy of your in-laws."
"Publicly shaming her would be to post the whole drama on FB asking for family and friends to chime in on if you are TA for her decision not to follow dress code... But I'm not nice either." ~ Foggy_Radish
"NTA. Please continue posting your wedding photos anywhere & everywhere exactly as they are."
"Do NOT apologize to anyone. Your MIL is out of line here—she should have told the SIL to be quiet. The SIL threw a tantrum, and you put her in her place."
"Well done. If you apologize, it sets a precedent that SIL throws her weight around & you'll be pressured to apologize."
"Also, those saying they are your ILs, and you should do it because it's a long-term relationship blah, blah. Well, guess what—it's a two-way thing, and it's not just on you."
"They need to make compromises & adjustments too. I bet if you had been the one to not follow SIL's dress code, the MIL would be telling you to apologize."
"So why isn't she asking that of her daughter?" ~ kiwi-sparkle
This whole conflict doesn't bode well for the OP and her sister-in-law's relationship.
But that may not be a bad thing.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.