Not all brides and grooms feel completely beholden to certain wedding traditions anymore.
Indeed, many outright veto the very idea of the bride's father "giving her away", tossing the bouquet and garter, or even traditional wedding attire.
Even so, this is a decision that is ultimately up to the bride and groom.
When a guest makes a pointed effort to break with certain known wedding traditions and customs, it's safe to say that the happy couple might be a little less happy.
Redditor Human_Lifeguard_28 was growing increasingly concerned about her mother-in-law (MIL)'s somewhat over eager involvement in her wedding.
When the big day finally arrived, the original poster (OP) was furious to see that not only did her soon to be MIL ignore one of the biggest unspoken rules of wedding attire, but thoughtlessly inserted herself where she wasn't welcome.
When she confronted her MIL and husband about this, both of them accused her of overreacting.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subRreddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my MIL to get out of a photo of me and my husband were taking at my wedding?"
The OP shared the trouble her MIL caused for her on her wedding day:
I (29 F[emale]) was getting married to my now-husband (32 M[ale]), and my MIL(59) was invited to the wedding, of course."
"I got a strange feeling because she continued trying to pick a wedding dress for me (when I had already picked one and said I did)."
"I brushed it off, as I was excited and all."
"She also tried to get her son to pick a large, fancy cake (that was only 20% cake)."
"He said no, as I had told him we already made all the arrangements (music, decorations, clothing)."
"Fast forward, the day of the wedding, we had our ceremony and everything went great."
"Food and service was amazing, had an artist draw me and my husband while we kissed."
"I noticed my MIL to be wearing a white simple dress, and didn't think much of it (even though I was a little upset)."
"To have context, she is the only one besides me wearing the color."
"Later, when it was photo-taking time, I was going to take a photo with my husband."
"We stood in front of the camera (we had no 'official' previous photos besides the kiss), but my MIL walked into the photo."
"I told her politely to get out a little so me and my husband could take photos with the professional first."
"She didn't listen and stayed in any way, and my husband didn't say anything."
"I took one of our photos and photoshopped her out of it, as I didn't have a chance to get a photo w him alone."
"I posted it on my Instagram, and my MIL texted me."
"She said I am disrespectful and family comes first through everything, but I said that it was MY wedding, and I understood that, but I wanted a photo with him alone, and she did not allow that."
"My husband is upset with me for acting this way, saying I'm being dramatic."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her MIL not to invade her wedding photos.
Nearly everyone was alarmed by the overbearing nature of the OP's MIL, with many expressing grave concern for the future of the OP's marriage if her husband constantly took his mother's side.
"NTA."
"Your now husband should have told his mother to take a hike."
"He also should have told her to go change into another color."
"You now know how your husband is going to react throughout this marriage."
"You've got some decisions to make."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"But I'm not really sure why you opted to get married to this guy, knowing that he was a mama's boy from the beginning."- lihzee
"It's not too late for an annulment."
"NTA."- HootblackDesiato
"Oof."
"His first wife vs. mom decision and he chooses mom."
"NTA."- jmbbl
"NTA at all."
"Husband should have had your back."
"At weddings, there are photos with the new couple only, photos with each partners' parents and new couple, photos with siblings, with grandparents."
"An entire laundry list."
"MIL doesn't get to be in all of them."- KronkLaSworda
"100% NTA."
"Not a single professional photo of just the bride and groom?"
"Girl, I would be fuming."
"Your new husband sounds like a real momma's boy."
"I've never been married, but I've been to plenty of weddings and I know that a) nobody wears white and b) there's a whole laundry list of photos that the photographer has to take, and that definitely includes some of just the newlyweds."
"I'd be mad that she was disrespectful enough to wear white."
"But even if you can look past that, I'd be hopping mad that she didn't move her a** out of the way for the photos."
"Sounds like you need to talk to your new husband about these issues and he needs to talk to his mom and make her aware that she crossed a line."
"It won't do any good if you try, it has to come from him."
"She's his mom, after all."
"All I can say at this point is, good luck."
"I think, sadly, you'll need it."
"If he can't stand up for you on this, I hate to imagine what the future holds."- JaneDoe_83
"NTA."
"You deserve to have at least one photo of just you and your husband."
"Your MIL was extremely disrespectful not to allow that at your wedding."
"Your husband is also AH for not correcting his mother."
"I'm guessing that he is her only child, or at least her 'golden boy'."
"She has spent his entire life making sure that whatever he does, it pleases her."
"Yes, family comes first."
"This will be a conflict for the rest of your marriage if your husband refuses to stand up for HIS family, which is now YOU AND HIM."- 1962Michael
"NTA."
"Unfortunately unless your husband grows a spine, this is your future."- PeanutGallery10
"NTA."
"But your issue here is your husband, not your MIL."
"It's his job to manage his family and he thinks you not wanting to take a couples photo - at your wedding - with your mother in law - makes you 'dramatic'."
"Good luck with that for the rest of your life."- Brainjacker
"NTA."
"You in trouble, girl."- DinoSnuggler
"NTA."
"I hope there's still time for an annulment."
"Get ready for a lifetime of your husband not sticking up for you and you coming 2nd to your Narcissistic MIL."
"I hope you don't want kids because she is going to take over every special moment for your kids."
"She walked all over you for YOUR WEDDING with no defense from your husband."
"I couldn't imagine the rest of my life like that!"- Lady_Vader_
"NTA."
"MIL was trying to usurp your wedding showing up in a white dress and horning in on the photos."
"The fact your husband isn't backing you up is the bigger issue."
"You married a mommy's boy."- WholeAd2742
"NTA."
"But you have a husband problem."
"Your MIL turning up in white was already disrespectful, and she should have been asked to change."
"Your husband should have backed you up when you wanted to take a picture."
"Just know things won't improve until you speak to your husband."- HospitalCorrect9711
"Your MIL was really, literally, inserting herself in a place where she was not wanted."
"I'm a bit surprised that the professional photographer didn't tell her, politely--but firmly, to leave the frame."
"So, you had a photo that was not what you wanted."
"You made it what you wanted."
"Ok, good for you."
"If she wants to pull the respect card, you've got a couple of points to hit her with."
"Wearing white to a wedding(?) really, who does that except those who chronically need the spotlight."
"Imposing herself in a photo where she was asked no to."
"As to being 'dramatic' or not... that all lies in the delivery."
"Setting a boundary is only drama if the other person tries to invalidate it."
"Respect goes both ways."
"Best of luck in the future."- ThinkingT00Loud
There were a few, however, who agreed the OP's MIL was out of line but had trouble sympathizing with the OP for being aware of her husband's ignorance but choosing to marry him anyway.
"So what I'm hearing is you went into this marriage knowing he's a mama's boy and are now complaining that his mama is controlling things."
"Duh."
"YTA for marrying this mess and expecting something different."- SouthernTrauma
It is fairly alarming how blind the OP's husband was to his mother's overbearing behavior.
Making it hard to disagree with those who see trouble heading for this marriage.
Indeed, if the OP's husband continues to ignore her concerns, one imagines their photo-bombed wedding photo will only be the beginning of their troubles...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp