We all can understand that sometimes things come up, causing plans to change and forcing us to make tough, imperfect decisions.
But when a change of plans means that someone gets a benefit that others do not, it’s hard to be understanding about something coming up, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Flaky-Assumption4248 was a bridesmaid in a child-free wedding when her babysitting arrangement fell through. She then offered to drop out of her role as bridesmaid or to bring her toddler to the child-free wedding.
When bringing her child to the wedding caused a lot of drama with the groom’s family, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted about attending.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for bringing my daughter to a child-free wedding?”
The OP was excited to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding.
“I’m a 19-year-old mom to my beautiful two-year-old daughter, Amelia.”
“Just a bit of backstory: last year, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a family friend’s wedding.”
“I was thrilled and immediately said yes, even though it was a child-free event.”
When her childcare fell through, the OP asked the bride for advice.
“I had arranged for a babysitter, but about a week before the wedding, she informed me that she would no longer be in the city and couldn’t watch my daughter.”
“Given the short notice, I approached the bride and asked if I could bring Amelia to the wedding, as I didn’t have time to find another trusted babysitter. My daughter is overall a very easygoing baby; she’s comfortable with people and happy as long as she’s fed.”
“The bride knew this since she’d watched my daughter on multiple occasions before, and she happily agreed, saying that having Amelia there would make the wedding photos even more special.”
As kind and accommodating as the bride was, there were still complications.
“The wedding was going smoothly, though I noticed a few stares from the groom’s parents.”
“Amelia stayed with my sisters for most of the day, but during the reception, I took her with me to congratulate the couple.”
“As I approached with Amelia in my arms, the groom’s mother suddenly commented, ‘You shouldn’t have brought a baby to a child-free wedding, especially when she doesn’t fit the family.'”
“I was completely taken aback. For context, my daughter is mixed. I’m half white and half Hispanic, and her father is Black. I’ve been called ‘white-washed’ because I’m not in contact with my Hispanic family, so I knew exactly what she meant by saying my daughter didn’t ‘fit the family.'”
The OP decided to leave the wedding at that time.
“The bride looked shocked, and the groom immediately stood up and led his parents away. Taking this as my cue, I decided it was time to leave.”
“I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone and put Amelia in her stroller.”
“As I was leaving, the bride came over to apologize for her in-laws’ behavior. I was upset, but I knew it wasn’t her fault, so I simply wished her luck and left.”
But the problems didn’t end there.
“Now, about a week after the wedding, I got tagged in a Facebook post, which is strange, because I’m not active on Facebook.”
“The post read, ‘I’m outraged that my grandchildren weren’t allowed at this event, but when a teen mother who couldn’t be responsible enough to leave her child with the father brings her baby, it’s perfectly fine.'”
“The post was from the groom’s mother. To make things worse, she’s also been telling family members that I’m lying about what she said regarding my daughter’s appearance.”
“So now I’m wondering, am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done everything she could for the wedding.
“NTA. You did everything right. You don’t need the grandmother’s permission.”
“I went to a shower once and asked the host ahead of time if kids were included or not, just so I could plan. She said they wanted child-free so it would be a more relaxed atmosphere. I totally understood and made arrangements for my husband and father to take my two young children to the zoo for the day.”
“One of the cousins from the other side of the family stopped in on their way home from out of state and had their whole family along, including their children. The host came up to me and was apologizing and explaining, and I just said, ‘It’s fine! They are in a different situation. Plus, it’s nice for me to have a break from my kids, too!'” – craftymama45
“First of all, I don’t think YTA. You made plans to respect their choices of a child-free wedding and asked only when your plans fell through at the last minute. You are given permission, you had people to watch the baby at the event. I take no quarrel with the series of events.”
“I think we can also agree that race is a factor here and I don’t want to ignore that, she was the problem.”
“But I hope you can understand that for everyone that wasn’t allowed to bring their children there may be some resentment that you were offered an exception. Personally, I feel like it should be all or nothing. Either don’t do a child free wedding or don’t give exceptions it just causes hard feelings.”
“Personally, I don’t like the idea of having a day so perfect it can’t have a kid crying ruining it (wink). Weddings are about family and relationships and children make up a lot of it.”
“But that’s just an opinion it holds no weight and I offer it only as an aside.” – LadyAmemyst
“NTA. You had child care that backed out. You cleared it with the bride who had no problem with it. This is absolutely none of the mother’s business. I’m also guessing the child-free rule was probably set because of the mother of the groom’s grandchildren.” – booboo773
“I was all ready to vote against OP when I saw the headline, but the fact is that this wasn’t technically a child-free wedding.”
“The moment the bride and groom agreed to allow your child, it became a mostly-childfree wedding instead of a truly childfree one… because what defines the rules at a wedding is whatever the bride and groom say they are, within reason.”
“If they say this particular child is an exception and is welcome, then that’s how it is.” – VoyagerVII
“Dollars to donuts the groom’s niblings are hellraisers that don’t listen, meanwhile OP’s kid has normal two-year-old reactions if overstimulated.”
“OP went to the bride, and she and the groom were clearly okay with that specific child coming, knowing that OP had found a babysitter and it fell through, and wanted OP and her siblings (potentially reasonable last-minute babysitters) at the wedding.” – RebeccaMCullen
Others understood why the mother-in-law was upset but could not justify her behavior.
“NTA, but if I was the mil I would have been upset. The kids who are related to the groom were not allowed to attend while some kid who is not related to the bride was allowed.” – Expert-Bus9720
“The OP is NTA, something came up, she asked permission and didn’t just show up baby in tow, and the bride happily made an exception. The MIL should’ve taken this up with her son after the wedding, not the OP, and not during the wedding, and certainly being racist isn’t ever acceptable, gross.”
“That said, I agree that if grandkids, nieces, nephews, and other kids part of the family were excluded and their parents’ made other arrangements, then you see the bride’s friend as the sole person with a child, it will raise questions and even resentment regarding the policy or favoritism.”
“Others probably felt similarly peeved by the perhaps glaring exception of a singular baby there, but they had the good manners to keep it to themselves.”
“As the bride, I would have just told the OP that I understand the situation but please understand mine as well, that none of the kids in my family are allowed and it would feel unfair to everyone else and I wouldn’t want to come off as being unfair. I would probably brainstorm some other childcare options with the OP if need be.”
“But again, none of this is the OP’s fault or the OP being an a-hole herself. The anger is misdirected.” – LooksieBee
“NTA: But to be honest, part of me really want to say NAH because I kinda think the grandmother is justified in being upset but she should have been upset with the bride and not you. Because it is a little messed up the groom’s nieces and nephews couldn’t come but the bride’s friend’s child can.”
“Sidenote: I am also curious if she simply meant your child isn’t family and this wasn’t about race.” – Apart-Scene-9059
“I would agree with N-A-H if she handled how she was upset as an adult with adult-level emotional regulation rather than… how she did. That’s what we really need to focus on when we talk about ‘Feelings are Valid.'”
“Yes. Feelings are valid, no one can truly control how they feel about things. The caveat to that is that we need to be able to act and respond without letting our emotions run the entire show. When emotions run the show, this is what we get here, lashing out and causing a dramatic mess.”
“People have asked me how I usually manage to maintain calm when something upsetting or frustrating happens. My first step is always to take a deep breath and let my brain run through all the cursing or frustrating rants that want to burst out, then focus on what truly caused the upset or the problem. If that means asking clarifying questions, do so, and always approach the situation from the mindset that you do not have all the information.”
“If the grandmother had popped over to either the bride or groom and quietly asked, “I noticed <so-and-so> was allowed to bring their daughter??” She would have received the answer that, ‘Oh, So-and-so’s childcare fell through at the last minute, so they asked if it would be okay to bring their child.'”
“A reasonable person would understand that it wasn’t as a slight to anyone; it was just a very generous consideration to someone who had been very willing and tried to adhere to the “No Children” rule but was stymied right at the gates.”
“Sure, being upset is fine. Immediately becoming accusatory because one is upset is not fine. (I mean, obviously, there can be some exceptions to this in extreme circumstances, but I don’t truly think this is one of those.)”
“Since the Groom was the one to immediately put his foot down with his parents after his mother’s rude comment, it seems pretty apparent that he understood the circumstances and agreed with his bride that it was a reasonable accommodation.”
“As a small aside, I feel like the people ‘with cause’ to address this issue would’ve been the groom’s siblings, whose children they are, and not necessarily the grandmother. Yes, those are her grandchildren, but if the siblings/siblings’ spouses are not bothered by not being able to bring their children, I’m unsure why the grandmother should be kicking up a fuss – especially continuing the fuss later by blasting it on Facebook.”
“I just couldn’t help but notice it was the groom’s parents giving her stares, but there wasn’t any mention of his siblings giving her looks, or commenting, or really their reaction at all. To me, that reads as it either being a non-issue for them or not enough of an issue that it bothered them. To be honest, I’m really curious if the siblings were just fine with the idea of being able to attend a wedding and reception without the children?” – AmbrosiaWriter
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update after speaking to the bride again.
“Hi again, everyone. I first want to start off with a huge thank you for all the advice and reassurance! I wanted to give an update and clarify a few things after reading the feedback I received.”
“First off, I do have a Facebook account, but I don’t use it often. I only found out about the post because someone sent it to me in messages, which is how I saw the groom’s mother’s comments.”
“Regarding Amelia’s father, he couldn’t take her that weekend because he lives a bit farther away and struggles when plans change at the last minute, especially when it’s not his scheduled day to have her. On top of that, my family members, who I would trust to watch Amelia, were all attending the wedding, so there weren’t many other options.”
“Now, some of you mentioned I could have dropped out of the wedding, and I want to address that. Dropping out of the bridal party was actually the first option I presented to the bride when I realized I couldn’t find a new babysitter. I didn’t want to complicate her big day.”
“However, she didn’t want me to drop out and reassured me that it would be fine to bring Amelia. So while bringing my daughter was the second option, the bride did have the choice of me stepping down if she had preferred that.”
“Yesterday, I spoke with the bride again, and she told me that she explained everything to her MIL, making it clear that it wasn’t my fault Amelia was there; it was a decision made between her and her husband.”
“She also revealed the real reason behind the child-free rule: it wasn’t directed at all kids. The bride had been trying to avoid having her mother-in-law’s grandchildren there because they had been ‘nightmares’ at other events, as described by the bride herself. The bride didn’t want to cause any more drama by openly sharing that reason, so she kept it under the radar.”
“I feel a lot better knowing that my friend still supports my decision, and I’m relieved that the real issue wasn’t about me or Amelia. While I’ll definitely be more cautious with similar situations in the future, I’m glad I prioritized Amelia’s safety and well-being.”
“Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts. I truly appreciate it.”
While the subReddit could understand how someone might be upset to see someone’s child at a child-free wedding, they felt that the OP handled the situation in the best way she could in an impossible situation, and ultimately, it was up to the bride and groom.