There is little more exciting than when a friend or loved one gets married.
As a result, as soon as people receive their “save the date” card in the mail, they make sure to keep that weekend wide open and arrange any necessary travel and accommodations as soon as possible.
Even though there is very little that could possibly take priority over a friend or loved one’s wedding.
Every now and then, however, people do find themselves unable to attend.
Redditor Acrobatic_Bug_5295 was greatly looking forward to being a bridesmaid for one of her best friends.
Unfortunately, as the wedding day drew nearer and nearer, the original poster (OP) found herself unable to attend the wedding for heartbreaking reasons.
As far as the OP’s friend was concerned, however, her reasons for dropping out of the wedding weren’t good enough.
Wondering if she made the wrong decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my best friend I won’t go to her wedding?”
The OP explained why they had to make the difficult decision to drop out of being a bridesmaid for one of her best friends, even though the friend wasn’t quite willing to accept her decision.
“My (24 F[emale]) best friend (22 F) is getting married in just under 3 weeks.”
“I was supposed to be a bridesmaid, and I’ve been excited for the wedding since before the engagement (I knew her partner was going to propose).”
“I’ve helped with making decisions on the wedding, helped with the hen do (bachelorette party) bought my bridesmaid dress, and booked my hotel.”
“I love them as a couple, and they’re both my bestest friends.”
“I’ve been with my boyfriend (24 M[ale]) for 2.5 years and have known him and his family for ten years.”
“When we first became a couple, he told me his dad has terminal lung cancer.”
“3 months ago, we found out that the cancer had spread to his brain, and he was given three months to live.”
“Over that time, his health started to decline slowly, and then suddenly over the last month.”
“Due to all of this, we had to miss the hen do as we would have to be away for a few days, but we didn’t want to leave my partner’s dad (my best friend and I live 2 hours apart and we don’t drive).”
“Trains are expensive and take even longer than driving, so a last-minute rush from the hen do to his dad would be near impossible if anything was to happen.”
“We are now at the end of his dad’s prognosis, and he is currently in the last stages of death.”
“A few days ago, my best friend demanded an answer on whether we would be at the wedding or not.”
“Up until then, we believed we would’ve been able to attend, but now we are unsure what will happen.”
“As she demanded an answer since she didn’t want us to cancel last minute, we decided to decline attending as we didn’t want to leave it to the day before, despite us being heartbroken we won’t be there.”
“A few weeks ago, my best friend said to make my boyfriend’s dad the priority over the wedding day.”
“She clearly changed her mind as in response to my message explaining our choice. She only screenshotted it and then instantly kicked me from the bridesmaid group chat.”
“Then she ignored me for the following few days.”
“When she finally responded, she said that she understood why my partner wasn’t attending but didn’t understand why I wasn’t, and she was devastated and angry over the choice.”
“I explained that I refuse to leave my partner alone during one of the hardest things he’ll experience, his dad also means a lot to me as I went no contact with my dad two years ago, and since then, my boyfriend’s dad has basically stepped up and been a father figure to me, so I want to be there for him too.”
“I’m also disabled and haven’t traveled alone overnight since 2019.”
“I’m disabled and in a wheelchair/scooter, so I do not have the help or extra arms to bring my things and transport myself alone.”
“She had said that if this were reversed, she would attend the wedding.”
“I told her I could’ve tried and gone just on the day, but she really needed an answer there and then.”
“I would’ve found a way to do it, but she wanted a set response.”
“She’s still really upset and angry and is ignoring me once again.”
“She’d said that a few people in her life were on her side, yet people in my life understand my pov and are upset and shocked with her.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for choosing to stay with her partner and his dying father over being her friend’s bridesmaid.
Everyone agreed that the OP was making the right choice in what was an extremely unfair situation, with many pointing out the irony that her friend was angry at her for committing to her partner when she was about to get married.
“You are there supporting your partner.”
“This may be the last few moments you both get to see your bf’s dad.”
“I am so sorry to the pair of you for your loss.”
“The bride, however, has a right to be upset as one of her best friends isn’t there, but her actions have been blown out of the water and shouldn’t have acted that way.”- Hot_Win_6062
“This is a tough situation to be in, but I think you made the right call.”
“It sucks that your ‘friend’ can’t be more understanding.”- jellydear
“Being there for your partner during the loss of a parent takes priority.”- Arrest_Tom_Nook
“Sometimes life presents us with a no-win situation like this, and you just have to go with your gut.”
“All you can do is clearly communicate how you feel and why you’re doing what you’re doing.”
“Don’t feel bad for making your choice.”
“You didn’t schedule this all to happen at the same time.”
“Whatever happens next happens.”- Sanny-P
“This person is not your friend, a real friend would understand this situation and wouldn’t expect you to ditch your boyfriend and his family when his father is dying for whatever reason.”- ShaneVis
“NTA, tell her if she doesn’t understand why you need to be there for your partner during this time, then she isn’t ready to be married, and she should do some self-reflecting.”
“Then ignore her and move on with your life.”
“She will either see reason and apologize blaming the reaction on the stress of the wedding, or she won’t.”
“Either way, take care of your partner and be there for him like he would for you.”-_DoogieLion
There were a few, however, who still sympathized with the OP’s friend, as they understood her disappointment in her friend not being there with her on her big day, even if they still agreed that the OP made the right decision.
“Emotions are charged, and someone is going to get hurt either way.”
“There was not a right or wrong choice here.”
“Neither event is going to yield for the other.”
“You are not an a**hole. You have done nothing wrong, but some things for you and others to consider from her point of view:”
“Your partner’s father has been terminal for 2.5 years at least.”
“That is a good bit of time to work on coming to terms with what is happening, making sure things aren’t left unsaid, and making arrangements so grieving isn’t infringed upon by other issues (funeral planning, legal, financial).”
“Now, no amount of preparation can remove the sting of a loved one dying, but it can help lessen the pain and additional stress for everyone.”
“It also lessens the need to be there when it happens and the guilt if you aren’t because you literally can’t be with him 24/7.”
“You already missed the hen do because he could die at any time, he didn’t.”
“She had to prompt you about if you were still going to attend the wedding, and again you aren’t coming because he could die at any time.”
“My guess is that if this was a sudden death or if he died right before the wedding, it would be a non-issue. She’d be upset but would completely understand.”
“She’s feeling displaced by something that hasn’t happened and, despite its inevitability, may not happen until after the wedding.”
“All of you are hurting.”
“You and your partner are losing a loved one.”
“She’s feeling abandoned by her best friend.”
“You need to discuss your feelings with each other.”
“This is not something to be done over messages.”
This decision was in no way based on what the OP wanted to do, but rather on what she believed was the right thing to do.
Something her best friend will hopefully grow to understand.
After all, the OP’s best friend will be surrounded by people who love her celebrating her wedding day, whereas the OP’s partner is going to need all the love he can get for the foreseeable future.