Some people are culinary explorers. The love to try new things all the time.
Others pick a food or restaurant they love and always arrange to eat that food and nothing else at every gathering.
A culinary explorer turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
EntertainerIll9058 asked:
"AITA for buying my own dinner because I don't like what the in-laws order?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'd like to preface by saying that I am not a picky person. I don't just...turn down food."
"I'm always willing to try new things, even if they're weird or unconventional. One of my favorite things to do is to pick out something I've never tried in the grocery store."
"But my in-laws are hooked on this one take 'n bake pizza joint that I just cannot stand. I've tried to like it. I've ordered so many different things off of their menu."
"I just. Don't. Like it. They order it for every single family event. Every get together. Every holiday. Every birthday."
"I have explained many times. They've asked me what exactly I don't like about it. I told them that, for some reason, everything that this place makes tastes bitter to me."
"Like actually BITTER. Sour. They told me that they don't think it tastes bitter, but they continued to try and have me try different things on the menu."
"It has such an awful taste. Everything there, for some reason, is bitter. And the toppings taste like they've been sitting in a tin can for too long. I just do not like it!"
"It hasn't stopped. They just don't believe me, I guess."
"I started ordering my own meals to bring to the parties. They got upset when they realized what I was doing."
"I explained that I LIKE ordering my own food, because it's a chance to get a treat for myself that I don't normally order. Still, they're always trying to convince my partner to get me to change my mind and just eat the same pizza as everyone else."
"This Halloween, we'd all planned to get together for a Halloween party. My partner and I had actually planned out a fun homemade meal (pasta bar) for everyone, but MIL became VERY upset that we weren't getting pizza."
"She put her foot down so hard that we thought there'd be an actual honest to God fight about it, so we told her she could order the take 'n bake she wanted."
"And of course, I was going to run to the store and get my own favorite pizza. She became SO angry."
"She insisted that I eat what she ordered, what everyone else was eating, and even offered to buy me ANYTHING that sounded good off the menu. I told her again that I don't like anything on the menu and that I'm perfectly willing to go and buy something that I do enjoy instead."
"She's still angry with me. FIL is angry with me. They tried again and again to convince me (they always do) to get something off the take 'n bake menu."
"But I just don't like it!"
"AITA for buying my own take out instead of what's being served at the party?"
The OP later added:
"Because there's questions, my partner is ALWAYS supportive of me and would never try to make me eat something I didn't like. He does stand up for me and tells them, just like I do, that I just don't like that place."
"He's a lot more confident about standing up to them than I am. But even when HE gets them to back down, the issue is brought back up the very next time we eat together."
"And yes, we were planning on hosting and cooking everything. We'd actually bought all of the ingredients already."
"But when she gets upset it's a whole big thing that could last for days and ruin the whole party, so it's really a 'pick your battles' thing."
"Have everyone together for Halloween? Or have a silly fight over pasta vs. pizza and miss Halloween altogether trying to do damage control?"
"It's a mess."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Am I the a**hole for buying a completely different food than what is served at my in-laws parties just because I don't like it?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It's a power play. MIL is trying to still be in control and, for the most part, is."
"The only part she's not controlling is OP's eating what she wants and not her damn pizza."
"That's why she gets so angry. Whatever you do, don't give in!! OP's NTA at all."
"MIL is just being really weird about this pizza joint because that pasta thing the two of them had planned sounded like fun." ~ East_Bee_7276
"NTA…So, they are mad at you for the same thing that they would not do? I would ask why they get so upset that you do not eat any pizza from their favorite place."
"You have tried different things many times from their place of choice. You do not like it. What more do they want or expect from you?"
"Where is your partner in all of this? Are they saying something? I would not be going to their events any more if they continue to act like this." ~ Worth-Season3645
"Yep. The mental gymnastics is impressive. In-laws don't want to eat what OP and husband prepared, but when OP doesn't want to eat what in-laws ordered, then OP is the bad guy. WTH?" ~ One_Ad_704
"Wait. So you and your husband were hosting and MIL was furious that you weren't serving food from the place she knows you hate? Yeah, that's a hard no. NTA."
"You're all adults and no one else gets to tell you what you must eat. Maybe she's too used to being in charge."
"Maybe she's a little titched in the head and can't process the rejection of what she loves. I don't know. But what she absolutely is NOT is the boss of you." ~ External-Hamster-991
"NTA. My MIL used to invite us out to dinner in a town that had so many delicious and moderately priced restaurants, but she always picked this same buffet place where I really hated the food."
"After the 3rd time, I just started saying thank you, but I'm not hungry right now. That offended her. So I asked my husband to ask if we could maybe try a different restaurant next time and she blew a gasket."
"Threw a tantrum about how nothing was ever good enough for me and she would just never invite us out anywhere again. He said that was fine. And she didn't." ~ WaterWitch009
"NTA. My in-laws love this one pizza place near their house. I've hated it since elementary school. I make it very clear I hate the pizza from there."
"When they order from there, they make sure they get something else for me that I do like or let me know so I can grab food for myself from somewhere else on the way to them."
"That's what normal people do. Your in-laws sound unhinged." ~ horsecrazycowgirl
"My brother-in-law grew up with peanut butter on bread as an alternative whenever his family had a dinner with beef. It's weird AF, but my whole family puts out peanut butter for him when we make beef stuff."
"We all tend to stock regular guest's favorite drinks, even if the people in the household don't drink diet coke or dr pepper or whatever."
"I'm not a fan of a take out restaurant my parents like, so I've always gotten something else from a place in the same strip mall when they wanted it."
"My sister hates a particular meal my mom makes that I love, so that's the dinner mom makes when my sister is busy and not coming to a family dinner anyways."
"It's generally not that hard to accommodate people's tastes." ~ notthedefaultname
"NTA. Your in-laws are insane. Why hasn't your husband put his foot down firmly and refused to give in to her toddler tantrums? He needs to set a clear boundary."
"When she is hosting, she can order from wherever she wants to, but if it is from THAT restaurant, you guys will bring your own food and if she throws a tantrum or makes ANY comments you will both leave and skip the next get together."
"And if you guys are hosting, she does not get to dictate the menu, but she is welcome to bring her own food. But again, any complaints or comments about the food will result in her being asked to leave and again you will skip the next get together."
"It is critical, though, that you and your husband are on the same page and that he is willing to enforce this boundary."
"Hopefully once she knows that her behavior will no longer be tolerated, she will stop acting like this OR other family members will realize that this is NOT NORMAL." ~ Little_Loki918
People felt OP's decision to bring their own food—at their own expense—was a completely reasonable solution for their situation.
Constantly pressuring OP to eat from a restaurant they dislike? Not very reasonable at all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp