We all know that when attending someone else’s event, whether it’s their wedding, birthday, graduation, or some other special occasion, that the attention should remain on them.
Taking attention away from the guest of honor is nothing short of tacky, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Long-Willingness2711 was appalled when his brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy at his wife’s birthday party.
But since his wife had a miscarriage recently, as well, the Original Poster (OP) found their announcement particularly insensitive.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for asking all the guests to leave after my brother and SIL’s pregnancy announcement?”
The OP and his wife recently went through a terrible tragedy.
“My (28 Male) and my wife ‘Anna’ (28 Female) were expecting. When she was almost three months along, we were really excited, we bought everything a baby needed, and talked a lot about our future with the baby.”
“Five months ago, my wife woke me up in tears. She tossed her blanket off her legs to show me a big patch of blood near her crotch, staining the sheets.”
“We had a really hard time accepting the fact, but Anna was much more affected, she would cry in our bed for at least four hours every day, she wouldn’t eat, and she would say awful things about herself and her ‘useless body.'”
“I had tried to console her to the best of my abilities but I was grief-stricken myself and couldn’t say the right words to her.”
“It took four months of therapy for us to gradually start feeling better. Anna was smiling more, she was still a little on edge, but she was doing good.”
The OP wanted to give his wife a very special birthday after that.
“January 14th was Anna’s birthday and I wanted to make it really special for her. I invited our friends and family and cooked her favorite foods.”
“I just wanted this day to be happy for her.”
“For context, our families know about the situation and the effect it had on Anna, especially my brother and SIL (Sister-in-Law), as we had stayed in their house for a bit.”
But then the OP’s brother and SIL stole focus.
“While everyone was eating the food my brother and SIL got up and told everyone that SIL was pregnant.”
“After four seconds of silence, everyone in the room started congratulating them.”
“I was stunned and turned to my wife having an emotionless expression until she smiled slowly and congratulated them, and hugged them both.”
“For a good 20 minutes, everyone couldn’t stop talking about pregnancy, baby names, and new baby toys.”
“They could have easily announced this at their five-year anniversary party which was just two weeks away, what was the point of announcing it on my wife’s birthday?”
The OP decided the evening was over.
“I noticed my wife get up and leave to go to our bedroom.”
“I found her crying. She told me she doesn’t want to go back out now, that she doesn’t want to face them.”
“I understood and quickly headed to the table, where everyone was done eating, talking as if they hadn’t noticed we’d left.”
“I didn’t want to make a big scene so I told everyone kindly, that Anna and I had some plans for the evening and that we would have to cut this party short (that was the only thing that came to mind at that moment).”
The other couple lashed out at the OP.
“SIL came walking towards me and started yelling at me saying that I was doing this because of her announcement.”
“I tried telling her as calmly as possible that it wasn’t like that and this was supposed to be Anna’s birthday party, not some pregnancy announcement party.”
“I said my goodbyes, and then two hours later, I got a message from my brother, saying I was selfish and that I ‘shouldn’t be jealous just because we won’t be as careless as the two of you,’ careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage even though we were incredibly careful.”
“I’m beyond frustrated.”
“Do you think I’m the a**hole because of how I handled the situation?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were left hurting on Anna’s and the OP’s behalf.
“They SUCK!!! Rude morons. I can’t believe they thought her birthday party was the place to announce… especially when THEY had a party coming up in two weeks!”
“They couldn’t wait and had to be the center of attention. I think you showed great restraint. Your day will come.” – rosarugosa02675
“I am enraged on OP’s behalf. Everything about what they did was tasteless. Hijacking the birthday (1) of somebody who had a miscarriage (2) when they had an appropriate date they could have used two weeks away (3). Any one of those would make them AHs but all three just makes them mega AHs. NTA.” – DrWhoop87
“NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Your brother and SIL are either incredibly cruel or beyond insensitive to make their pregnancy announcement at your wife’s birthday party and he compounded it by implying that you are to blame for the miscarriage, thus adding a grievous insult to injury.”
“Personally, I’d go NC (no contact) with both of them, at least for a while.” – Leading-Knowledge712
“NTA in the least. Someone else’s birthday, who had a recent miscarriage, and should have been giving birth soon, is not the place to announce a pregnancy announcement.”
“They knew what she went through. They knew how it affected her. They had to steal her birthday to announce instead of their own frickin party in two weeks!! How callous can you be?!”
“I’d go NC (no contact) with them.” – oaksandpines1776
Others agreed and were disgusted by the “careless” remark.
“Announcing your pregnancy at someone else’s party is incredibly selfish.”
“Doing so at the party of someone who has recently miscarried is beyond evil.”
“And as for your brother’s ‘carelessness’ comment, I think that’s a clear case of ‘fighting words.'” – _mmiggs_
“The ‘carelessness’ remark is a clear case of ‘never f**king talk to me again, you’re dead to me’ words.” – evelbug
“That would be the last time I talked to them. Honestly, I doubt the ‘careless’ text would have had time to come through because I’d have blocked them on everything as soon as I kicked their inconsiderate and cruel a**es out of my house.” – Dewhickey76
“OP, if you think your wife can handle it, please show her this thread so she can see all the love and support from us internet strangers. My heart aches for her.”
“I don’t know why so many people think miscarriages should be ‘blamed’ on someone, but they’re wrong, they’re a**holes, and they need to shut the f**k up already.”
“She did nothing wrong. She’s not useless or worthless because of the miscarriage or whatever may or may not happen reproductive-wise down the road.” – Einstwo
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in the comments.
“Firstly, I want to thank everyone for their condolences and wishes, it means a lot to me.”
“As I couldn’t fit a lot of the details in the 3000-character limit, I want to write all the answers to the questions and inquiries you guys have in this comment.”
“Why I didn’t confront my brother and SIL?”
“I was fed up with them and wanted them out of the house so that I could comfortably console Anna and do another activity with her (we played some Minecraft and watched ‘Harry Potter’). I was angry but I really didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire, I just ignored most of what they were saying and showed them out the door so that I could handle them/talk to them after her birthday.”
“Why would my brother and SIL try to sabotage her birthday?”
“I have no idea. I wouldn’t say we were on bad terms with them, but we weren’t close, we (and other relatives) stayed at their house for a week, because they had invited us for the holidays.”
“There was a bit of attention to Anna and me but it was minimal, only condolences, and I can’t grasp how they could be jealous of the condolences we received for our miscarriage, how can that be something to be jealous of, unless they really love attention? Anna has said that she’s only been nice to SIL and they hadn’t had any type of argument.”
“Why didn’t the other guests intervene?”
“Again, I have no idea, no one tried to redirect the conversation, and honestly, every time I tried to, it would be glossed over and then turned into something baby-related again, maybe everyone was excited or just nervous to change the topic.”
“Why did I post this on AITA if I was ‘clearly’ not TA?”
“I had been unsure whether it was rash of me to abruptly end the party or to not give much importance to their pregnancy announcement, but now I am.”
“My brother is very different from me, and we have had disagreements, but they weren’t fights, only opposite opinions shared. I don’t understand why he intended to hurt us that way.”
The OP had sent a text to his brother that was inspired by another Redditor.
“I guess an update would be that I’ve finally replied to my brother’s message with a statement Redditor ferly016 posted in the comments (which I’m very thankful for) with a few of my personal inputs in it.”
Here’s Redditor ferly016’s comment for reference:
“Hey OP, please send this message to your brother and SIL:”
“‘I am not jealous, I’m disgusted, I’m disgusted you chose to make my wife’s birthday about your pregnancy during such a horrible time in our lives. Your disregard for her feelings is evident, especially when you could’ve chosen to announce this at your five-year anniversary, a day that was about you and not my wife.”
“Furthermore, your insinuation that the miscarriage was in any way our fault because we were ‘careless’ is truly horrific. One in four women miscarry, it’s tragically common. While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I worry for my nephew or niece, who is inevitably going to grow up with callous, selfish, derogatory A**HOLES.'”
“NTA.” – ferly016
The OP then shared his final update.
“My brother only replied with a laughing emoji.”
“People were wondering whether Anna saw the message he sent or not, she did see it, and she was as heartbroken as I was. We had tried every precaution, we did everything we could think of, and getting blamed for losing our child by my own brother was like a knife to the heart.”
“We talked about it and we have decided to have no contact with my brother and SIL until they apologize sincerely, and even then I really don’t think I’d even want to sit at the same table as them again.”
“I have sent a screenshot of his message to my parents and they are disgusted by my brother’s behavior but don’t want to confront him since SIL is pregnant. I don’t know.”
“Some people are saying that it’s already been five months, and we could just move on, but you don’t understand how excited we were, and you don’t understand how traumatizing that night was, even now during her period she gets a lot of anxiety about it because it reminds her of that night.”
“We are continuing therapy, it is helping and we are doing well! I will update you if there are any.”
“Thank you so much for your love and support.”
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP and his wife had been treated, especially after what they’d been healing from for the past few months. At least it seemed the OP and his wife were setting a boundary that would keep their feelings protected going forward.