Anyone who is interested in getting married at some point generally has some idea of what they would like their “big day” to look like, and for some, it genuinely will be a big day, and for others, it will be much more intimate.
That doesn’t mean there is a “right” way to have a wedding, only a preferential way, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor wedding-woes was thoroughly repulsed by his sister’s decision to have a fancy wedding, with a lot of people, with children present, and with more than a year of planning having gone into it.
So when he saw her stressed at the wedding reception, the Original Poster (OP) decided then was the time to share his true feelings.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my sister if her wedding was ‘worth it’?”
The OP had a much smaller wedding than his sister.
“My (27 Male) sister (24 Female) got married last Saturday. It was a nightmare.”
“She and my mom spent nearly the entire year in the lead-up to the event talking about it.”
“This wouldn’t have bothered me if it was excitement fueling all of those conversations, but instead, it was stress.”
“I’ve never seen the appeal of a big wedding, but watching this play out has solidified my point of view.”
“My husband and I got married in a small ceremony in front of only close family and friends (maybe 25 people there at most), hosted a slightly bigger reception for others we also wanted to celebrate with, and called it a day.”
“There was no anxiety about planning, no looming dread that this perfect day we had built up in our heads might not go 100% as planned. Just us celebrating our love with people we love.”
The OP didn’t approve of his sister’s wedding planning choices at all.
“My sister’s wedding was the antithesis of that. It was over the top.”
“The guest list was already massive, and then she allowed children there on top of that. If you can imagine 200+ people plus kids running around, what is supposed to be a peaceful event and NOT get anxious, I envy you.”
“I already knew the whole thing was going to go terribly, as much as I hate to say it. You can’t welcome that level of mayhem while also having your itinerary planned down to the minute.”
“There was nothing intimate or personal. It seemed she was inviting ‘friends’ she hadn’t spoken to in years just to fill out more seats.”
“The whole thing was ostentatious and I have no idea who she was trying to impress.”
“The rest of our siblings and I are all in similar financial situations. Just because you have the money to pay for something doesn’t mean you should.”
When the opportunity to talk to her about it came up, the OP took it.
“My husband and I were ready to head home right after the ceremony, but we played nice and stuck around.”
“At one point over the course of the night, she ended up in tears, unsurprisingly.”
“I got roped into trying to comfort her, and I asked my sister if it was worth it.”
“Was all the planning and stress and money dropped on this event worth the final outcome?”
The OP got called out for his behavior.
“My mom told me that my attitude the entire day had been terrible, the comments from my husband and I were distasteful, and that the question I had asked was awful and rude.”
“I haven’t spoken to either her or my sister since.”
In a comment, the OP shared some of the comments he made at the wedding.
“During the planning process, my husband and I had been trying to get her to… not lower her expectations, but to let go a little bit.”
“I’m not religious but it reminded me of the, ‘God laughs in the face of plans’ quote, or something similar.”
“There is no ‘perfect day,’ especially with that many people involved. So many unknown variables of things that can go wrong, and trying to make some sort of structure as rigidly as she did were bound to end like this.”
“But we couldn’t do much other than give helpful suggestions as this wasn’t our wedding.”
“My husband and I asked my mom if she was prepared for the fallout towards the beginning of the day and she got angry at us for that, too.”
“My comment towards her at the end of the night was fueled by a few drinks from the bar and exhaustion.”
“The other comments came from a place of empathy and concern.”
The OP shared in another comment why he even asked the “ostentatious” question.
“Part of me was genuinely curious what her answer would be, and another part hoped that maybe if she was reminded how much work went towards it then she might be ready to let things out of her control go and just enjoy the rest of her night.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was jealous of his sister’s bigger wedding.
“I don’t think he truly thinks his way was the right way. I feel like for whatever reason, finances were tight, family/friends are homophobic, etc.”
“He and his husband couldn’t pull a big dreamy wedding with hundreds of people wishing them happiness so he’s just jealous of his sister for being able to do what he couldn’t.” – lilymango
“One of the coolest people I ever met was this girl I worked with who had a whole binder FULL of the vendors and things she wanted for her wedding and had it fully planned and ready to go so that the Monday after she got engaged, she started making calls because she KNEW it would take a year minimum to organize.”
“You can’t just throw together a big wedding and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a big wedding with people you enjoy being around but maybe don’t get to see all the time.”
“OP is just a jealous a**hole.” – bequietbecky
“He definitely sounds jealous. Also, since he mentioned all the siblings have the same financial situation, I don’t know what his problem is. He wanted a cheap wedding for himself and he got it.”
“No need whatsoever to criticize others that want a bigger more expensive event, it’s their freaking money.” – No_mames_guey_
“Your attitude is nasty.”
“I don’t know who the f**k you are keeping company with, but almost every wedding I’ve attended had 200+ guests, about half had children, and nothing turned to mayhem.”
“Climb down off your high horse, nobody thinks you’re special just because you had a small wedding. YTA.” – BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
“I wanted a smaller wedding too, but after just counting family (not five generations deep, just siblings, aunts, uncles, their kids) we were around 150.”
“Like, I’m sorry my family is large, but you bet I still invited my friends and got close to 200 people. If you have an even remotely large family, a 200-person wedding is not hard to get to.”
“Also, I like that he talks so much about how much the sister and mom were stressing but never once said, ‘I offered to take X task off her plate for her.'”
“He just sat back and watched her stress, and then kicked her when she was down, on her wedding night.” – Junkelei
Others thought the OP was trying to kick his sister while she was down.
“YTA. Was making your sister feel bad on her wedding day in order to get a dig in and make yourself feel superior worth it?”
“He couldn’t even get through a sentence of his post without making a dig. Like, you have to wonder, are OP and his husband the reason she was crying in the first place?”
“If something crazy had happened (kid knocking something over, something going wrong, etc.), he would have mentioned it to further prove his point. But he kinda glossed over it.” – ndcollector
“I keep imagining the OP and his husband having a stank face attitude from the get-go and making snark remarks whenever and to whoever they could. His poor sister was bound to hear about it at some point.”
“My guess is that he wasn’t ‘roped in’ to comfort her but to apologize for being an AH and that was his reaction.”
“He has most likely also been rolling his eyes and making rude comments all year whenever his mum and sister talked about the wedding.”
“Not that many go no-contact with family members because of one comment, no matter how rude. It was just the thing that pushed them over the edge.” – Zupergreen
“I’m wondering if his ‘somehow I was roped into comforting her,’ could also be stated as, ‘I did an AH thing and my sister started crying, so someone insisted I come to apologize.'” – Kylynara
“He never even explained why she was crying or if it was justified. A good brother would have cared about her feelings.” – Ravenclaw79
“You know, while I was reading, I kept expecting OP to mention how his sister was a total bridezilla. Like she threw a fit because a bridesmaid’s hair was an inch longer than she wanted. Or that the cake cutting ceremony started 4 minutes late and she pushed the cake to the floor in anger.”
“Instead, he just trashed on her because she invited a lot of people? She took a year to plan it? Granted, I’ve never had a wedding but I thought it was normal to spend a long time planning and invite a lot of people?”
“It honestly doesn’t even sound like his sister was looking for sympathy. It sounds like she was crying and OP couldn’t pass up to rub it in her face about how superior his wedding was.”
“Like if that’s the ONLY way you can feel superior, do you also tell fast food workers to get better jobs when they complain about not being able to afford the food they serve?” – Bluellan
While the subReddit could agree that a big wedding might not be for everyone, that does not suddenly give anyone the right to criticize a bride and groom for having the wedding they want to have.
And from the sounds of it, the OP and his husband used the wedding day to criticize and belittle the entire event before trying to make her feel even worse, all under the guise of “empathy.”