"Home for the Holidays" can bring up all sorts of feelings.
For many, it reminds people of nostalgia, dinners, and laughs.
For others, it can conjure regret, stress, and disappointment.
Not every home for the holiday is a happy one.
Some families just can't help but make drama.
Redditor nomorexmas2 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my mom she is also to blame for why my brother and I won't host our parents for the holidays?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last Christmas was my brother's first holiday not living at home with our parents."
"He wanted to host everyone in his new apartment."
"Also, around this time last year, my parents had mutually agreed not to get each other gifts as they were focusing on paying off some debt."
"Apparently, there was some miscommunication. "
"My dad thought this meant no gifts at all."
"My mom thought this meant no gifts, but they'd still exchange stockings."
"In our family, stockings are always small stuff: body care, candy, you get the picture."
"I was living with my parents last year, and I had heard all the discussions."
"I honestly saw both sides when on Christmas morning, we all woke up and mom didn't have her stocking filled from dad."
"She was very quiet but clearly hurt."
"He ran out to the pharmacy, quickly bought some things to fill her stocking, saying he was sorry."
"Now, should my dad have communicated better? Sure."
"Do I understand my mom is hurt by the situation? Also, sure."
"But I thought they'd be able to swallow it all for lunch at my brother's."
"We go, and my dad is doing his best to make up for his blunder."
"My mom is in a terrible mood and keeps picking at him all day long."
"Toward the end of our time there, she ended up making a snarky remark about my dad not filling her stocking."
"My dad flipped his s**t and started screaming that nothing he does is enough, then stormed out."
"My brother was clearly upset by having Christmas ruined by their arguing."
"I convinced my mom we should leave not long after."
"My brother and I were upset with both of them."
"My dad shouldn't have flipped out and screamed."
"My mom also should've kept her comments to herself or spoken to my dad later."
"My brother was embarrassed as his roommate had come home, and while he was in his room, he overheard the arguing."
"My brother stopped having my parents over altogether after that, though he'd still invite me."
"My brother would also visit us at my parents' place."
"Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and we were all trying to coordinate plans."
"I recently got my own place, but honestly, I don't want to host after last year."
"My brother said he's never hosting another holiday at his apartment again."
"My mom was hurt by this, but eventually we all just planned to have dinner at my parents' place."
"Later on, my mom was complaining to me that my brother won't have us over anymore, feeling pushed out."
"She said it was my dad's fault, and she shouldn't be punished."
"I told her that while my dad was wrong for screaming, she chose to be whiny all day long."
"I clarified that I understood her hurt, but she also partially ruined the day by not letting it go."
"My mom got mad at me and accused me of taking sides.
"I said I'm not."
"If Dad bi**hed, I'd tell him the same, but he seems to understand that he ruined it."
"I also pointed out that neither of them ever apologized to my brother, and I'm not confident they'd never do it again."
"My mom says I'm in the wrong for how I spoke to her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a** here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You made the best point of all."
"Neither apologized to your brother."
"You also mentioned you think this situation could happen again."
"It kind of says all we (as the internet) needs to know about your parents."
"But obviously NTA." ~ Ready-Conflict-1887
"OP, your parents are bad at communication, both with each other and you and your brother."
"Your father's blow-up is because of years of this type of behavior between them."
"The fact that your mom is upset at your brother, and now you show that she is not going to change anytime soon."
"Just remember that you cannot control how others react; you can only control how you act."
"Good luck." ~ Acceptable_Day6086
"NTA, the fact that neither apologized to your brother is proof that they will do it again."
"So is the fact that when you went to your parents, they complained about not being invited to your brother's anymore."
"Refusing to take accountability or reflect on reasons why someone may set up a boundary just shows that they won't make any effort to avoid the same behavior again." ~ SafetyFluid8535
"My first Thanksgiving with my husband was hosted by my younger sister."
"We got there, my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] was outside with my nephew."
"He said that my sister and mother were arguing."
"I go inside to play peacemaker."
"It was bad!"
"Accusations and yelling!"
"My husband came in to say hello but walked right back out."
"It was a very awkward meal."
"Christmas that same year, we chose to go to a football game."
"Just him and me."
"I refused to spend another holiday with my mother or sister."
"Or to subject my husband to another ruined holiday."
"I just celebrated my 34th anniversary, and in that time, I've only spent 1 Thanksgiving and 1 Christmas with them."
"I regret giving them a 2nd chance years later."
"Our holidays are very peaceful now!"
"I intend to keep them that way!" ~ Advanced-Area4676
"NTA. You're, in fact, being the voice of reason."
"It reminds me of when kids have a spat, there's usually an adult to make them stop, think, express, and then work on solving things and apologizing."
"You're acting like the adult, and your mom is acting the bratty kid.... Who needs a time-out?" ~ notdancingQueen
"NTA. Your mother is proving your point with her behavior towards you about this."
"She refuses to take responsibility for her part in the situation, and takes any mention of her being responsible for her own behavior as 'taking your father's side.'"
"I'd point that out and tell her that when she can be a grown-up and be accountable for her own behaviors, you might consider hosting her." ~ MelodyRaine
"NTA, but your mom clearly lacks insight.'
"She has a victim mentality."
"The fact that she stands by the belief that your dad is responsible for the drama demonstrates her inability to understand her part in this and give grace in their relationship d/t this miscommunication."
"This is deeper than the one miscommunication about stockings- your parents likely need therapy to address all their other deep-rooted issues, if they plan to stay together in the long term."
"It's likely clouding their ability to recognize the hurt that you and your brother are experiencing."
"If they're strong enough to go through with it, maybe you guys can someday consider hosting again."
"It'd be a worthwhile investment, since I imagine if you or your brother plan on expanding your family someday, everyone would want to have a welcoming environment without arguments." ~ No-Muscle5314
"NTA. You were speaking the truth, and did so in a gentle manner (presumably)."
"Your mum just doesn't want to hear it."
"Honestly, your parents sound like hard work and like they bring and potentially enjoy drama." ~ Top_Violinist4161
"NTA. You were honest about the shared blame."
"Both parents contributed to ruining your brother's hosting efforts." ~ MangaMist
"NTA. You're more mature than your parents."
"They sound like a couple of moody teenagers, especially your mom." ~ Yoongi_SB_Shop
"NTA, they should have communicated with each other better."
"No presents means no presents, so I see why your dad bought no presents."
"To be honest, your dad shouldn't have shouted and stormed off, but your mum is the biggest AH."
"Your dad didn't do anything wrong, and he even tried to fix it because she was hurt."
"I think you were very measured in your response." ~ Trekunderthemoon
OP returned to chat...
"Edit: Because of course everyone's favorite game is 'Let's play Devil's Advocate!!!'"
"This is not my parents' first time having an argument like this."
"In the past, it hasn't been about Christmas, but it's been about other stuff."
"They hate each other but stay married due to not being able to afford to divorce and live separately."
"They hate each other."
"Their screaming matches are constant, and they have ruined other family events."
"We've suggested therapy, and they won't go."
"They want to stay trapped and miserable."
"Yet, when my brother and I bickered about stupid stuff as kids, they'd scream at us for 'ruining their peace.'"
"We're at the point where they don't get to do this without consequences."
"This is the consequence."
"For those saying I shouldn't blame my dad as much as I do in this post, the main reason I hold him at 50% is because he started screaming."
"If he had just remained quiet and spoken to my mom later, then he wouldn't be held to the same degree."
"Because he screamed and refused to take accountability for his tantrum, he goes up here, too."
"But I agree, without that, my mom is more at fault."
"Thank you to those who actually listened and paid attention."
"Even if I didn't agree with what you said, you didn't try to play stupid Devil's Advocate and make the story into something it wasn't."
There is so much to process here, OP.
You and your brother are doing the right thing.
Actions have consequences.
Maybe this will show them that they need to learn how to behave.
It's all sad, though.
Good luck and happy holidays.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp