Trying to have a baby can be a difficult experience.
For some couples, it happens without any issues.
For many, it can take time, money, and medical help.
Surrogacy is a popular way for couples to fulfill their parenting dream.
But surrogacy can also come with its own set of problems.
Redditor suffcien wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for cutting off my surrogate after she repeatedly made me and my husband feel uncomfortable?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This is a long emotional story but I will try to make this as short as possible and get straight to the point."
"When I 25 F[emale] was 15, I was in a car accident which left me badly injured, and due to my injuries, this left me unable to have children."
"My husband, who I will call Jack for the sake of the post, has known this since he has met me, and we always agreed that we will use a surrogate when we want children."
"About a year ago, Jack and I talked and agreed that we are ready to have children."
"We talked about it for a while and decided that we were going to go through an agency as we didn't feel right asking someone we know personally."
"We were quickly matched with a woman who I will call Jess."
"We got the paperwork done, and soon after, Jess then got pregnant with mine and Jack's baby boy."
"She was always super sweet towards me and Jack and we saw no red flags or warning signs."
"However, this quickly changed after our son Owen was born. Once she heard the name, she sort of made a face, but we brushed it off."
"Then she came over to our house the day after we got to take Owen home and came over every day after and stayed for hours always trying to take him out of our arms or being critical when Jack or me tried to do anything involving Owen."
"This went on for about two weeks, but yesterday I finally snapped when she picked Owen up and said come to Mama."
"I yelled that she wasn't his mom and that she was no longer welcome in my home."
"She then sent me a bunch of angry texts claiming I was so ungrateful and a huge *itch."
"I stand by my decision, but I feel guilty about the way I reacted."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I feel for the surrogate."
"I can't imagine giving up a baby I carried, but it is something she has to work through."
"She is not entitled to the child."
"OP is right to draw firm boundaries because surrogacy can get messy."
"I have so much respect for those who choose to give such a selfless gift, but they have to be prepared for the aftermath."
"Whether it is her hormones or just a desire to have her cake and eat it too, the responsibility to deal with it is on the surrogate and the agency."
"I hope they have resources to help her." ~ Trinitymb
"Yes. This is why it seems odd to visit so soon even if it was previously discussed that it wouldn't be closed and there'd be occasional contact."
"The surrogate likely needs a cooling-off period of no contact."
"Let her body heal."
"Let the milk stop coming in so she's not feeling let down when she sees the child she birthed."
"No matter how business-like someone might approach the matter, there's still biology to contend with."
"That should have been expected and not have visited right away." ~ WishBear19
"I find it interesting that the surrogate is allowed to visit at all."
"When my cousins used to surrogate, she was literally on the other side of the country, so they had to fly there when the baby was being born and then flew back with their daughter."
"They have never seen the surrogate since they don't talk to them."
"They don't meet up or anything. "
"It's been like five years."
"So a surrogate being able to just like come over to your house and see the baby seems so f**king strange to me." ~ i_nobes_what_i_nobes
"As another commenter mentioned, talk to the agency you hired her through."
"She was definitely overstepping."
"Unless it was her child genetically AND you had an open agreement with her to be in the child's life, you are not responsible for her wanting a relationship with your child." ~ churchofdan
"Hell, I've donated my eggs six times and always did an open donation (the parents and I video called first, and they know I'm open to talking to the kids as they grow up if they feel the need/want, I have their emails and get updates sometimes)."
"So technically, the resulting children are biologically mine, and I have contact with the parents, but I would never, ever dream of pushing myself in like that."
"All contact is solely up to what the parents/children initiate and want." ~ brelywi
"NTA. There is no real way to guarantee you won't end up with a psycho."
"I am assuming all the legalities have been take care of."
"It was probably never a good idea to allow her to have contact after the baby was born anyway." ~ BlueGreen_1956
"This is what surprised me."
"Why was she coming over to start with?"
"Don't they just deliver, and then everyone goes their separate ways?"
"I don't know a lot about surrogacy, etc, so maybe this is normal??… but I can't imagine it would be."
"It just gives the woman more time to bond with the baby once it's born physically."
"Clearly, this woman can't keep these types of transactions professional."
"She should be removed from the database if she's going to overstep boundaries between the parents and child." ~ ksarahsarah27
"Same. I've never heard of the surrogate being a part of the family's life after they give birth, but I'm also not about to act like I know much about surrogacy."
"She should, however, be reported to the agency and removed from the database."
"NTA, OP. Please talk to the agency about her so she can't try to steal someone else's baby." ~ Bice_thePrecious
"NTA. Talk to the agency, screenshot any disrespectful or potentially threatening messages, and consider talking to a lawyer." ~ Dangerous_Touch_7081
"Yep, she is crossing boundaries."
"The agency really should be the ones assisting these females with mental health counseling before, during, and after the birth of a surrogate child."
"Also, not to cast blame, but allowing her to come to see the baby afterward was a mistake."
"Usually, it is required that a clean break happens after birth, so situations like this do not happen."
"You will HAVE TO keep her away now and go N[o] C[ontact] with her."
"All communication moving forward should be through the agency."
"You did nothing wrong."
"Emotions are just messy right now." ~ FrannyFray
"NTA. Sounds like she has some attachment as she carried him for nine months but that is what she signed up for." ~ vertigoman09
"NTA. But why did she come over every day?"
"Wouldn't it have been best to keep some distance, or was there a reason for her to be there?"
"She has clearly formed an attachment to your child, which isn't healthy."
"You need to contact the agency, and I hope you have the legal stuff in place." ~ Tall-Negotiation6623
"NTA."
"1. Call the agency."
"2. Call the police."
"3. Get a lawyer."
"Strongly consider staying somewhere else."
"The postpartum period can wreak havoc on a woman's hormones and mental health."
"She could be experiencing postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, or even postpartum psychosis."
"Any of these can make her act impulsively and make decisions she normally wouldn't, including unsafe ones."
"However, she is not your responsibility."
"Your family is your responsibility."
"Do whatever you need to do to get distance from her." ~ Smiley-Canadian
"Surrogacy is not for the weak of the heart or mind."
"I see how risky it can be."
"Why did she come over after the birth, though?"
"Isn't that the awkward thing?"
"Not blaming just saying."
"Wasn't she done with her part at the hospital?"
"I think you were in protective mode, and she was overstepping HUGE boundaries."
"She's not mama!!! NTAH!!!!" ~ taffypull2019
"NTA, I saw you've already contacted the agency but filed a police report for harassment just in case." ~ Carolinamama2015
"That sounds like a horrible experience."
"You are not the a**hole here and did the right thing by cutting her off from you all."
"Report her. That is no way for a surrogate to act, and she should not be allowed to surrogate for anyone."
"If she can't handle what it takes to bless someone with their child, she is not suitable for that role." ~ lemondeahh
"NTA... report to the agency and get a restraining order. There are way too many crazy stories and it's a huge risk to you and your family that she knows where you guys live, your doctors etc." ~ Good-Dragonfruit-908
"Completely, 100% predictable."
"You can't reduce carrying a baby to business a transaction no matter how hard you try."
"NAH. Surrogacy is a very iffy proposition and, in my opinion, a generally bad idea."
"OP should internalize this experience before deciding to do it again."
"Good luck resolving this." ~ EddieSevenson
"NTA. Have you obtained a DNA test for your baby?"
"I was just thinking about a post yesterday where the mother discovered when her child was three years old that the surrogate was actually the bio mom."
"The surrogate had engaged in sexual activity while undergoing procedures to conceive for the surrogacy."
"I really can't explain your surrogate's behavior."
"I thought surrogates (from an agency) no longer had a relationship with the couple once the baby was born." ~ Harmony109
"NTA. It's important to set boundaries, especially when someone is overstepping their role."
"You did what you felt was necessary to protect your family."
"Address the situation with the agency to prevent future issues." ~ CurvyCharmXO
"DO NOT LET HER IN YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE!!! GOD!!"
"What's wrong with people!!!????"
"Also when 'the job' is done, isn't she supposed to never see any of u again??!!!"
"She is crazy!!"
"NTA by the way, and don't feel guilty about kicking her out!!!!" ~ celes41
Well, OP, Reddit is you.
This is your house.
This is your son.
Hopefully, she will seek some professional help.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp