Trying to have a baby can be a difficult experience.
For some couples, it happens without any issues.
For many, it can take time, money, and medical help.
Surrogacy is a popular way for couples to fulfill their parenting dream.
But surrogacy can also come with its own set of problems.
Redditor suffcien wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for cutting off my surrogate after she repeatedly made me and my husband feel uncomfortable?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This is a long emotional story but I will try to make this as short as possible and get straight to the point.”
“When I 25 F[emale] was 15, I was in a car accident which left me badly injured, and due to my injuries, this left me unable to have children.”
“My husband, who I will call Jack for the sake of the post, has known this since he has met me, and we always agreed that we will use a surrogate when we want children.”
“About a year ago, Jack and I talked and agreed that we are ready to have children.”
“We talked about it for a while and decided that we were going to go through an agency as we didn’t feel right asking someone we know personally.”
“We were quickly matched with a woman who I will call Jess.”
“We got the paperwork done, and soon after, Jess then got pregnant with mine and Jack’s baby boy.”
“She was always super sweet towards me and Jack and we saw no red flags or warning signs.”
“However, this quickly changed after our son Owen was born. Once she heard the name, she sort of made a face, but we brushed it off.”
“Then she came over to our house the day after we got to take Owen home and came over every day after and stayed for hours always trying to take him out of our arms or being critical when Jack or me tried to do anything involving Owen.”
“This went on for about two weeks, but yesterday I finally snapped when she picked Owen up and said come to Mama.”
“I yelled that she wasn’t his mom and that she was no longer welcome in my home.”
“She then sent me a bunch of angry texts claiming I was so ungrateful and a huge *itch.”
“I stand by my decision, but I feel guilty about the way I reacted.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I feel for the surrogate.”
“I can’t imagine giving up a baby I carried, but it is something she has to work through.”
“She is not entitled to the child.”
“OP is right to draw firm boundaries because surrogacy can get messy.”
“I have so much respect for those who choose to give such a selfless gift, but they have to be prepared for the aftermath.”
“Whether it is her hormones or just a desire to have her cake and eat it too, the responsibility to deal with it is on the surrogate and the agency.”
“I hope they have resources to help her.” ~ Trinitymb
“Yes. This is why it seems odd to visit so soon even if it was previously discussed that it wouldn’t be closed and there’d be occasional contact.”
“The surrogate likely needs a cooling-off period of no contact.”
“Let her body heal.”
“Let the milk stop coming in so she’s not feeling let down when she sees the child she birthed.”
“No matter how business-like someone might approach the matter, there’s still biology to contend with.”
“That should have been expected and not have visited right away.” ~ WishBear19
“I find it interesting that the surrogate is allowed to visit at all.”
“When my cousins used to surrogate, she was literally on the other side of the country, so they had to fly there when the baby was being born and then flew back with their daughter.”
“They have never seen the surrogate since they don’t talk to them.”
“They don’t meet up or anything. “
“It’s been like five years.”
“So a surrogate being able to just like come over to your house and see the baby seems so f**king strange to me.” ~ i_nobes_what_i_nobes
“As another commenter mentioned, talk to the agency you hired her through.”
“She was definitely overstepping.”
“Unless it was her child genetically AND you had an open agreement with her to be in the child’s life, you are not responsible for her wanting a relationship with your child.” ~ churchofdan
“Hell, I’ve donated my eggs six times and always did an open donation (the parents and I video called first, and they know I’m open to talking to the kids as they grow up if they feel the need/want, I have their emails and get updates sometimes).”
“So technically, the resulting children are biologically mine, and I have contact with the parents, but I would never, ever dream of pushing myself in like that.”
“All contact is solely up to what the parents/children initiate and want.” ~ brelywi
“NTA. There is no real way to guarantee you won’t end up with a psycho.”
“I am assuming all the legalities have been take care of.”
“It was probably never a good idea to allow her to have contact after the baby was born anyway.” ~ BlueGreen_1956
“This is what surprised me.”
“Why was she coming over to start with?”
“Don’t they just deliver, and then everyone goes their separate ways?”
“I don’t know a lot about surrogacy, etc, so maybe this is normal??… but I can’t imagine it would be.”
“It just gives the woman more time to bond with the baby once it’s born physically.”
“Clearly, this woman can’t keep these types of transactions professional.”
“She should be removed from the database if she’s going to overstep boundaries between the parents and child.” ~ ksarahsarah27
“Same. I’ve never heard of the surrogate being a part of the family’s life after they give birth, but I’m also not about to act like I know much about surrogacy.”
“She should, however, be reported to the agency and removed from the database.”
“NTA, OP. Please talk to the agency about her so she can’t try to steal someone else’s baby.” ~ Bice_thePrecious
“NTA. Talk to the agency, screenshot any disrespectful or potentially threatening messages, and consider talking to a lawyer.” ~ Dangerous_Touch_7081
“Yep, she is crossing boundaries.”
“The agency really should be the ones assisting these females with mental health counseling before, during, and after the birth of a surrogate child.”
“Also, not to cast blame, but allowing her to come to see the baby afterward was a mistake.”
“Usually, it is required that a clean break happens after birth, so situations like this do not happen.”
“You will HAVE TO keep her away now and go N[o] C[ontact] with her.”
“All communication moving forward should be through the agency.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
“Emotions are just messy right now.” ~ FrannyFray
“NTA. Sounds like she has some attachment as she carried him for nine months but that is what she signed up for.” ~ vertigoman09
“NTA. But why did she come over every day?”
“Wouldn’t it have been best to keep some distance, or was there a reason for her to be there?”
“She has clearly formed an attachment to your child, which isn’t healthy.”
“You need to contact the agency, and I hope you have the legal stuff in place.” ~ Tall-Negotiation6623
“NTA.”
“1. Call the agency.”
“2. Call the police.”
“3. Get a lawyer.”
“Strongly consider staying somewhere else.”
“The postpartum period can wreak havoc on a woman’s hormones and mental health.”
“She could be experiencing postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, or even postpartum psychosis.”
“Any of these can make her act impulsively and make decisions she normally wouldn’t, including unsafe ones.”
“However, she is not your responsibility.”
“Your family is your responsibility.”
“Do whatever you need to do to get distance from her.” ~ Smiley-Canadian
“Surrogacy is not for the weak of the heart or mind.”
“I see how risky it can be.”
“Why did she come over after the birth, though?”
“Isn’t that the awkward thing?”
“Not blaming just saying.”
“Wasn’t she done with her part at the hospital?”
“I think you were in protective mode, and she was overstepping HUGE boundaries.”
“She’s not mama!!! NTAH!!!!” ~ taffypull2019
“NTA, I saw you’ve already contacted the agency but filed a police report for harassment just in case.” ~ Carolinamama2015
“That sounds like a horrible experience.”
“You are not the a**hole here and did the right thing by cutting her off from you all.”
“Report her. That is no way for a surrogate to act, and she should not be allowed to surrogate for anyone.”
“If she can’t handle what it takes to bless someone with their child, she is not suitable for that role.” ~ lemondeahh
“NTA… report to the agency and get a restraining order. There are way too many crazy stories and it’s a huge risk to you and your family that she knows where you guys live, your doctors etc.” ~ Good-Dragonfruit-908
“Completely, 100% predictable.”
“You can’t reduce carrying a baby to business a transaction no matter how hard you try.”
“NAH. Surrogacy is a very iffy proposition and, in my opinion, a generally bad idea.”
“OP should internalize this experience before deciding to do it again.”
“Good luck resolving this.” ~ EddieSevenson
“NTA. Have you obtained a DNA test for your baby?”
“I was just thinking about a post yesterday where the mother discovered when her child was three years old that the surrogate was actually the bio mom.”
“The surrogate had engaged in sexual activity while undergoing procedures to conceive for the surrogacy.”
“I really can’t explain your surrogate’s behavior.”
“I thought surrogates (from an agency) no longer had a relationship with the couple once the baby was born.” ~ Harmony109
“NTA. It’s important to set boundaries, especially when someone is overstepping their role.”
“You did what you felt was necessary to protect your family.”
“Address the situation with the agency to prevent future issues.” ~ CurvyCharmXO
“DO NOT LET HER IN YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE!!! GOD!!”
“What’s wrong with people!!!????”
“Also when ‘the job’ is done, isn’t she supposed to never see any of u again??!!!”
“She is crazy!!”
“NTA by the way, and don’t feel guilty about kicking her out!!!!” ~ celes41
Well, OP, Reddit is you.
This is your house.
This is your son.
Hopefully, she will seek some professional help.