Content Warning: Cancer survivor, cancer hair loss, hair shaming
We all have at least one person in our lives who is hyper-focused on things that don’t really matter, like appearances.
And it seems like they push these priorities especially hard in the moments when they couldn’t be farther from relevant, like picking on a sick person about their lack of makeup, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Warm-Pay1685 was a cancer survivor who had to go through extensive chemotreatments and was finally at the point of being in remission.
But because she’d lost most of her hair during the chemo treatments, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted and hurt that her appearance was all her mother could talk about.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my mother if she brings up my hair again, I will go no contact with her?”
The OP survived cancer and chemo, but there were obviously struggles along the way.
“I (42 Female) was on chemo about two years ago and most of my hair fell out.”
“My hair is growing back, but it’s patchy, so I tend to wear wigs when out in public. I’ve been keeping my hair very short until it completely fills in, which my doctor says may or may not happen.”
The OP’s mother made frequent cruel comments about her appearance, especially her hair.
“My mom (76 Female) started making these comments about six months after all of my hair fell out that I looked like a boy and that last she checked, she gave birth to a girl.”
“At first, I ignored it, but then she started making the comment at just about every family and church function to the point other people even started to comment that she was being mean and downright rude.”
“I did let it go a lot, even defending her to family that she’s coping with me being on chemo and all that entails, and this is just how she’s doing it.”
But the OP reached a point where she couldn’t defend her mother anymore.
“A couple of nights ago, my mom came over to visit. I didn’t have the wig on because I don’t wear it when I’m home.”
“My son (8 Male) made a comment to my mom about the green wig my husband (44 Male) bought me and how he thought it was so cool I could just change my hair color overnight.”
“My mom looked right at me and said, ‘You look like a boy. I remember giving birth to a girl.'”
“My son just stared at my mom. I don’t know if she’s ever made the comment in front of him before.”
“I was frustrated and fed up with other things that happened that day and just snapped. I told my mom she needed to leave.”
“My mom got really upset and started insisted that it was just harmless teasing.”
“My son said something about his mom not being a boy and Nana being rude, but I don’t remember all of it. I just asked her to leave again.”
“She did pick up her things, but she kept defending herself, calling me childish and saying that the chemo has made me too sensitive about my hair.”
“I snapped at her that if she brought up my hair one more time, I would go completely no contact with her and she would not be allowed to see my son.”
In retaliation, the OP’s mother tried to drive a wedge between the OP and her husband.
“My son told my husband about it when he got home, but my husband already knew about it.”
“My mom had sent him a bunch of texts claiming I was rude to her, my son was rude to her, I was being petty and childish, I don’t love her, and it was all just harmless teasing.”
“My husband told her she owed me an apology, and she’s not allowed over again until she gives me one.”
Unfortunately, the OP’s brother sided with their mother.
“I guess where I’m doubting myself a little is that she called my brother about it, and he’s defending her, saying she didn’t handle me being on chemo well, and she thought I was going to die.”
“She did help a lot with my son when I was too tired to function, much less care for a young child, and my husband had to work because of the bills.”
“It’s not been an easy few years, that’s for sure, but her comments aren’t making it any easier.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted the mother was prioritizing appearances over her daughter being alive.
“If my child almost died but survived, I wouldn’t CARE what her hair looked like or that I needed to help care for her child or that she now looked like a boy when I gave birth to a girl.”
“I would be f**king elated and assuring her that nothing as superficial as losing your hair due to f**king chemo matters more than her now being on the road to recovery.”
“Maybe I’ll cope in other ways in private, but it wouldn’t be to my survivor of a child.”
“What I could see happening is me being extra fretful about my child’s health, which also isn’t healthy coping but it’s (in my opinion) at least understandable.”
“OP’s mom is just a nasty mean girl bully.” – moarewineprs
“The fact that OP’s mom says it to others… frequently. How horrid.”
“Like, it isn’t enough that you have cancer, that you went through chemo, that you lost your hair, but then you also have this b***h taking you down further and insulting you over something you have literally no control over.”
“I’m cheering you on, OP, and your husband and son for calling her out on her absolutely s**t treatment of you. Coping mechanism or not, insulting someone when they are going through hell is lower than low.” – sjyffl
“NTA. So instead of being grateful that her child is alive, she decided to… bully you about your hair? Really?”
“Interesting play there. I mean, does she have a history of bullying you? Making you feel less than?”
“I know I wouldn’t want to put up with that, and I certainly wouldn’t want to subject my child to someone like that. No contact could be a pretty good solution. Just saying.” – New-Host1784
“Jes*s. Has your mom always been a bully?”
“You know what my mom did when I had cancer? She took off work, flew across the country, and helped and supported me during my recovery. She never once made fun of me.”
“She slept in hospital chairs, held me when I cried, let me rant when I needed to, cooked, cleaned, and entertained herself when I slept a bazillion hours a day, even though she was terrified she was going to lose me.”
“I can’t imagine her making fun of me. Not at all. Your mom needs to apologize and learn how to act like a good human being. NTA.” – Anxious-Ocelot-712
“She decided to bully a cancer patient because she’s not handling that person having cancer well? Please tell me you hear how f**king stupid that sounds.”
“NTA at all. Honestly, only a little towards yourself for how long you put up with it. You deserve better, and I’m sorry she’s like this.” – fromofandfor
Others agreed and urged the OP to distance herself from her mother and brother.
“NTA. Tell your brother he’s an a**. Your mother has been continually rude and just nasty to you.”
“Her so-called way of coping is to bully you. That’s just toxic, and you deserve better.” – No-Consequence3895
“Can we also talk about how the literal CHILD, the eight-year-old, is coping better than the full-grown adult? He thinks his mom’s hair is cool. He’s going places.” – bumhilda
“‘You know what? You can deal with her. I’m done with both of you.'”
“Let him be the focus of all her s**t and complaining about OP. It’s easy to tell someone how they should react when it’s not you.” – Consistent-Primary41
“It’s kind of funny that brother is excusing mom because ‘tHaT’s hoW ShE’s CoPinG (with someone else having cancer)’… Like… really?”
“I get that it sucks to watch someone you care about go through that, but it seems the one who actually dealt with it is over it more than she is. OP’s mom needs to get over herself.” – Bice_thePrecious
“This is literally what happened when I cut my father off. He was abusive and cruel to me for pretty much my entire existence. I cut him off completely nearly five years ago now. (I think, honestly, it’s between four and five years, but I literally just don’t care enough about him to keep track honestly.)”
“My brothers got upset that I cut him off. I made it clear to them and my mother (who had a history of people pleasing and feeling sorry for people, so guilted me into talking to him on other occasions where I’d cut contact), that if anyone tries to force me to interact with him, talk to him, or have contact with him, I’ll cut THEM OFF TOO! Because I’d really had enough of the abuse.”
“Now, without me as the abuse lightning rod, my brothers barely talk to him because he makes them miserable. They’ve learned a lesson.”
“It’s time OP’s brother learned the same lesson.” – LadyBladeWarAngel
After receiving feedback, the OP clarified a few points and also shared an update.
“Yikes! I did not expect this to blow up. I will clarify a few things that people have asked.”
“The first is that, as far as we know, my mom does not have any sort of cognitive decline like dementia. My brother did actually insist she see a doctor about a year ago and be given a memory and cognition test, and the doctor told my brother everything was fine. So, unless something major happened in the past few months (not out of the realm of possibility, although unlikely), this is just how she is.”
“The second is that she has always hyper-focused on things about me that I found hurtful. I didn’t get married young enough, I was too old when I had my son, I don’t have enough children, I should have focused on my career instead of school, and so much more. I actually did go several months without talking to her in my 20s and only reached back out after my dad got sick (he has since passed).”
“The last is that I have been seeing the comments about my husband and son, and I agree. They are two of the most wonderful people in the entire world. My husband has put his foot down that Mom is not allowed back to the house until she has formally apologized to my son and myself, willingly becoming ‘the bad guy.’ My son was pretty upset about her comment and says he doesn’t remember her saying it before.”
“He was more offended that she called me a boy than anything about my hair. I’ve heard him brag to his friends about how I can change my hair in five minutes, and he thinks it’s cool. That was one of the ways my husband and I tried to cushion my cancer to him. We had to tell him I was sick, but we tried to make it a little better with, ‘Mom can change her hair anytime she wants to, now.’ We never let him know how bad it was or that there was any chance I might not survive.”
“Thank you all so much for the support. I’ve been really beating myself up about this because it feels so silly. It’s just dumb, really. I don’t want my son to be exposed to Mom’s behavior, though, because while I don’t deserve it, he definitely doesn’t deserve it.”
While the subReddit could empathize that the mother surely did struggle with worrying about her daughter while she went through chemo, behaving in this way was hardly the way to show it.
Now that the OP was in remission, the mother should have celebrated her strength and still being here, not her hair, which would grow back over time.