Relationships with an ex are very tricky.
Some people make it work and remain friends.
Others are no contact or in a lifelong, all-out war.
And some are hanging on by a thread.
It often doesn’t take much to cut that fragile tether.
Case in point…
Redditor New_School_1239 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not babysitting for my ex when her husband is in the hospital?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“The title alone makes me feel like an a**hole, but I don’t know.”
“Things are complicated, but I’ll try to sum it up for you.”
“I (M[ale] 34) met my ex-wife seven years ago. We dated for one year and were married for two before we divorced.”
“When we met she already had two kids from her previous relationship, ‘Patrick’ (M 13) and ‘Luna’ (F[emale] 10).”
“We have one son ‘Tony’ (M 5) together.”
“My own relationship with her kids was good, but they never treated me as their dad or something like that because their dad was involved in their life.”
“And although my wife had primary custody, we all understood I was a stepdad and was fine with it.”
“My relationship with my ex-wife was good and I thought very loving, although after our divorce I realized that she used to talk a lot about her ex-husband.”
“Comparing the two of us and stuff like that which is definitely weird, but I didn’t notice it at the time.”
“Well, it turns out that she really couldn’t forget her ex, and she ended up cheating with him.”
“This was very hard to process when I found out, thanks to one of her friends, and our divorce was not easy.”
“When her family found out about her infidelity, they got very angry at her and went N[o] C[ontact] with her.”
“All of this happened four years ago.”
“Ever since she and her husband had two more babies together (3 and a few months old baby).”
“Her husband got diagnosed with cancer around November last year.”
“Even after everything they did to me, I still feel sorry for them and their kids.”
“It’s a sad situation that makes me think I’m an a**.”
“My ex and I have shared custody of our son but ever since her husband got sick my son has been staying with me more days as sometimes her ex’s husband has to stay at the hospital.”
“And my ex has to help him.”
“I’m okay with this, of course.”
“However my ex asked me if I can start taking all of her kids home with me when I pick my son in these kinds of emergencies.”
“I told her that I don’t want to do that and instead she should ask a friend to take care of them or try to pay a babysitter.”
“I pay good child support, and I know they’re not spending all that money on my son at the moment because he’s mostly with me.”
“I think it’ll be enough to pay for a couple of hours.”
“She told me her friends don’t want to help her anymore and her family still doesn’t talk to her.”
“I told them they need to figure out a solution, I will only help take care of my son.”
“I feel like a piece of crap, to be honest, like I’m being too petty.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Sounds like your ex has burned a bunch of bridges and is trying to make you her lifeline because you share a child.”
“The whole situation is unfortunate, but it isn’t your responsibility to help her.”
“You’re right about her being able to use the money you pay for child support to pay for care for her other kids.”
“But even without that, it would still not be your responsibility.”
“You sound like a caring person, and she knows how to make you feel guilty.”
“But it’s not wrong for you to refuse to help.” ~ RMaua
“He does have a responsibility for his own son.”
“And I think it’s good that he takes him more now (mostly for the boy’s sake, so he gets away from the mourning and sickness and gets to spend time with his father, who has better time for him).”
“But the other kids are not his responsibility.”
“If the relationship had ended on good terms, without cheating, it would still not be his responsibility, but he would probably be more inclined to help.” ~ Elinesvendsen
“Preface: You’re absolutely NTA.”
“If you want to help the children, you could talk to her family about helping only the kids.”
“And where is his family in all of this?”
“4 of the kids are full siblings, and yours is a half-sibling to those 4.”
“None of it is your fault or responsibility but for your son who probably loves his siblings (who are helpless captives in their parent’s circus) you could just see if they’d help ONLY the kids while staying super L[ow] C[ontact] with the parents.”
“I say this only because this will create hardships among the children that will follow them into adulthood, including your own.”
“Even if you choose to do nothing, it’s not your circus.”
“Those little kids, though, are in cages.”
“And while they don’t belong to you, they belong to your child.”
“When we are old and gone, that generation has each other.” ~ amagivictoria
“No, it’s not wrong to refuse to help.”
“However, OP might look at it a different way–that he’s not doing it to help his ex but to help the (former) stepkids and his kid.”
“Did he have a good relationship with those kids?”
“Does his kid have a good relationship with his siblings?”
“Would the son rather have his siblings with him or be dumped with some random babysitter?”
“It makes me think of the movie ‘Clueless,’ where Cher’s dad says that he divorces the wife, not the kids.”
“I’m a stepparent, and although my husband and I aren’t getting divorced, I’m always going to have a special relationship with my stepson.”
“If I had to do something to help him I’d do it, even if his dad and I broke up because it would be a favor to my stepson.”
“It’s very possible that OP doesn’t give a damn about his former stepkids, and that’s fine.”
“But if he does, taking care of them for a short time shouldn’t be a huge deal–he doesn’t say anything about them having any special issues (behavioral, social, medical, whatever).”
“And it would be a kind thing, a mitzvah.”
“This sub is so much about ‘you don’t have to do this, they have no right to ask you, blah blah blah’ when sometimes it’s good to do something just to be kind.”
“Not because you have to, but to do it because you don’t have to.” ~ BluePencils212
“NTA. Your ex is.”
“Cheated with her ex, her ex gets sick and wants u to take care of her kids with an ex.”
“That it’s a complete disrespect to you.”
“Take care of your kid.”
“In fact, get full custody and tell her to kick rocks.” ~ Splindadaddy
“NTA. Actually, OP, going for full custody sounds like a good plan.”
“There are five minor children under that roof, three of whom are aged five and under.”
“I think that in the long term, that may be too much for your ex to actually handle, should the worst happen to the couple and her husband passes away.”
“You are already getting Tony more often than set custody.”
“Just something to consider.” ~ Spirited_Complex_903
“NTA. And you aren’t being petty.”
“She is asking you to take care of 4 small kids who aren’t your own, including an infant. Ridiculous.”
“Petty would be getting child support reduced due to the current change in custody of your son.”
“You are already supporting her family and are doing enough.” ~ blorflor
“I could see helping her with the two oldest as you have some kind of relationship with them.”
“This would also possibly help her to find someone else to watch the younger kids.”
“But you are under no obligation to and definitely NTA if you don’t.”
“She made a choice to cheat on you.”
“Her current husband also knew she was married.”
“She can’t expect you to want to help her support him.” ~ Struck_down
“NTA, if it was just the two older kids that you had an established relationship with, I might have a different opinion.”
“But she really burned bridges.”
“And unfortunately for her, now she has to deal with those consequences.”
“Honestly, the fact that you have your son more time and aren’t asking to modify child support is graciously compared to a lot of ex-spouses.” ~ Formerretailmom
“NTA. She wants you to take care of four kids that you have a very limited relationship with after she cheated on you.”
“That’s a lot of responsibility to expect someone to assume when she was the one who decided that she didn’t want to be committed to you.”
“This woman has some pretty serious issues with treating ex as if they were her current partner when it suits her.”
“And her own family still not talking to her is a red flag.”
“It sounds like she burned some bridges there.” ~ Bloodsquirrel
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You are not obligated to go above and beyond for your ex and her husband.
Their situation is tragic.
But you have to do what makes you comfortable.
Good luck to everyone.