Infidelity affects more than just the people directly involved. There are friends and family that feel the repercussions after the cheating is exposed.
And it almost always gets exposed.
A husband caught up in his sister-in-law’s drama turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Jazzlike-Practice926 asked:
“AITA for telling my wife I won’t hang out with her sister and affair partner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, male) have been married to my wife, Sarah (26, female) for 5 years. My wife has a sister, Chelsea (30, female) with whom she’s incredibly close and they pretty much talk everyday.”
“The three of us, and Chelsea’s husband, Ryan (30, male) used to spend a lot of time together, going on double dates and hanging out as couples.”
“About a year ago, everything changed.”
“It was revealed that Chelsea was having an affair with a guy name Doug (35, male). This came as an incredible shock to me as we hung out so much as couples.”
“Ryan took the cheating pretty hard and confided in me how hurt he was for her stepping out on him. Honestly, I was devastated for the guy, and I felt a lot of anger about how everything had played out.”
“My wife insists she did not know that her sister was having an affair. However, given how close she and Chelsea are, I have my doubts.”
“Her and Ryan eventually divorced and Chelsea has been with Doug ever since. Chelsea was actually the one to end it with Ryan.”
“He thought it was a one-time thing that they could maybe get through when he found out, but she was actually going with this man for a while. She chose Doug over Ryan and that is what hurts him the most.”
“Despite everything that happened, my wife and Chelsea have continued their close relationship, going to brunches and spas together, just as they did before. However, when my wife first brought up the idea of doing a couple’s activity with Chelsea and Doug, I made it clear that I didn’t want to participate.”
“I still think it’s messed up how Chelsea cheated on Ryan, sneaking around behind his back for so long, and then acting like nothing happened. My wife says the marriage is over now and it is time to accept Doug as part of the family.”
“When Chelsea brought up the idea of going on a couple’s trip with her and Doug, I reiterated to my wife that I didn’t want to hang out with her sister and her affair partner. My wife got upset, asking why I was harping on this and how it didn’t affect me.”
“I told her it did affect me because Ryan was hurt deeply by what Chelsea did. He trusted her, and she betrayed him in the worst way.”
“What hurts is, Chelsea and I were close too. We had a good bond, but I just cannot see her in the same light.”
“I even feel icky letting her watch our son.”
“Sarah said I couldn’t judge their relationship because I didn’t know what it was like. Sarah then told me that she still loves her sister and isn’t going to abandon her because of the affair.”
“She said her sister is happy with Doug, so she is not going to scold her big sister about the affair. It happened and that is still her family.”
“Obviously, I don’t know every detail of their relationship, but Ryan seemed like a good husband. He was a little on the shy side and not as extroverted as Doug, but the man didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
“I told her I wasn’t asking her to stop talking to Chelsea—I just didn’t want to be expected to hang out with Chelsea and Doug as a couple.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for telling my wife I don’t want to and won’t hang out with her sister and affair partner? Well, a part of me thinks I may be overreacting.”
“I mean I married into my wife’s family and her sister is my SIL, but a bigger part of me believes I am right to feel how I want and not have to hang out as couples.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
A few Redditors decided there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH. You both have good points. Your wife says you don’t know what happened behind closed doors.”
“And you say the former spouse was devastated and didn’t see it coming. So unless you want to dissect the former marriage, try and find a compromise with your spouse. I suggest couples counseling if you guys continue to struggle with the issue.” ~ Independent-Mud1514
“NAH, in current day. Obviously there was an a**hole situation for the cheating in the past. But as your wife said, life moves on.”
“Cheating sucks. And, yeah, if I was married, and was cheated on, I would probably divorce. But that doesn’t mean someone is a ‘bad’ person. It just means they made a mistake.”
“That’s why I land on no a**holes here. At the end of the day, you control your time. You have every right not to want to hang out with her anymore.”
“But at the same time, your wife isn’t really an a**hole either. As you’ve described it, your entire relationship with your wife has included doing couple stuff with your SIL/Ryan. It’s 100% understandable that your wife wants to continue this.”
“Which ultimately means you have a relationship problem.” ~ SDstartingOut
“NAH. But I guess the thing is, if your wife really didn’t know about the affair, her continuing to have a relationship with her sister and her sister’s new partner is not the same as her showing approval for the affair.”
“My brother has made some really shitty relationship choices. I don’t approve of them. But he’s my brother, I love him, he’s going to remain in my life. And that means sometimes I’m going to interact with his partner.”
“You don’t have to be buddies with Doug. But Chelsea and Doug are going to be in your life for as long as you are married to your wife.”
“Eventually, I think you are going to have accept that Chelsea is with Doug now. And that may, as much as you may hate it, means sometimes you may have to hang out with the two of them.”
“Because for most people, having an affair is not something you cut family off over. You might be disappointed, initially express your disapproval, but at the end of the day, most people just aren’t cutting off family over this kind of thing.”
“It sucks. Cheating sucks. You’ve expressed your disapproval. I assume your wife has expressed hers. Life moves on.” ~ Dangerous_Ad_7042
“NAH. If everyone cut off every family member who did sh*tty things there are very few people who would have family left.”
“Sometimes when you love someone you accept that they’ve done something sh*tty, especially someone as close as a sibling. It’s not great, but it’s true.” ~ SnooChipmunks770
But most thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. This happened to my dad when my dad left my mum for a younger woman. He couldn’t understand why it felt different when he spent time with his cousin, who was like a brother to him, and his family.”
“He didn’t understand that they didn’t just like whoever his partner was, they actually liked my mum as a person, not as an extension of him.”
“Eventually, the cousin’s wife put her foot down. She told my dad that my mum and my siblings and I were always welcome in her home. My mum was her friend, dad’s girlfriend was just some woman they didn’t know.”
“This is what’s happening here. You didn’t hang out with your in-laws because they’re family, you hung out because you were friends. Doug is not your friend, and, quite frankly, Chelsea isn’t either.”
“Chelsea is your wife’s sister, you disagree with who she is as a person, and you aren’t going to be friends with Doug. You’re never going to hang out with them the way you used to with Ryan.”
Ryan is your friend. Maybe you can’t stay as close as you were because of what Chelsea did. But that doesn’t mean your wife gets to force you to make new friends with people of low moral fibre.” ~ Natural_Garbage7674
“You said it perfectly—your wife can do what she wants regarding her relationship with Chelsea and her new guy—but so can you. Your reasons for not wanting to spend time with Chelsea or her new guy are perfectly valid and YOUR wife needs to respect that. NTA.” ~ Waste_Worker6122
“NTA. Your wife is welcome to hang out with her sister, that is her decision. But you also get a say in who you hang out with, and it doesn’t have to be with cheaters.”
“People will often excuse bad behaviour from loved ones as being ‘not that bad’, but don’t feel like you need to comply to the same view.” ~ Lainy122
“NTA. You can treat him as part of the family by being cordial to them at family events. That doesn’t mean you need to make a special effort to hang out with them generally.” ~ 0biterdicta
“NTA, she can’t make you hang out with anyone you don’t want to.” ~ AKlife420
Regardless of the judgment they chose, many pointed out that the OP’s wife can’t—and shouldn’t—try to force a relationship between the OP and Doug.
She can request—and it is reasonable to expect—basic common courtesy from her husband toward her sister and whoever her current significant other is at larger family gatherings.
But expecting couple trips with this new couple after years with Chelsea and Ryan is a bit too much to ask of OP.