We all know it takes a village to raise kids, but that doesn't mean they are not their parent's responsibility. You can't just drop your kids' off wherever when you want some alone time.
Redditor IamAndy123 encountered an issue with his sister-in-law. So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for leaving the house when my SIL said she was on her way to drop the kids off for me to watch?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (M30) have a younger brother who is married and has 2 pre-school age kids. He travels a lot for work and his wife is a stay-at-home-mom."
"When my brother leaves the country he'd tell his wife that if she needed anything, then she should give me a call. Then go on and on about how SIL and the kids are my responsibility while he's gone. I never said I was okay with this since my SIL and I aren't on the best of terms but I try to help for my nephews sake."
"My brother flew out of town for work last week, the next day I got a call from his wife asking if I could watch the kids while she get her hair cut for her sister's upcoming wedding. I said no because I already had to attend my girlfriend's art event."
"SIL pressured me saying stuff like 'art event isn't more important than your nephews' and 'your brother is counting on you and he said I could rely on you' the usual guilt tripping nonsense. I said no means no and hung up."
"Literally minutes later I got a text from SIL saying she was on her way to drop the kids off and I better not leave. I didn't reply I just got dressed quickly and got the fuck out of there before she came."
OP was not going to change his mind.
"My neighbor called saying he saw my SIL knocking on my door hysterically and checking my windows in an unusual way. I told him to let her, she will leave soon and she clearly did after calling me non stop."
"Hours later, my brother called and was mad saying what I did was f*cking childish and that I was terrible uncle to bail on my nephews and my SIL when they needed my help. I told him what went down but he sided with his wife and called me unreliable, irresponsible and a weasel."
"I tried to cut the argument but he said he was disappointed in me and my childish behavior but I thought that was too much frankly. SIL was and still is incredibly upset with me and my brother got back but refused to see me until I apologize which is f*cking hurtful of him."
"I wonder if I should've just sucked it up this one time instead of ruining my relationship with my brother like that."
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility. Tell her and your brother to hire a babysitter instead of being entitled assholes who violate clearly established boundaries."
"ETA: just want to say thank you to everyone for the upvotes and awards! :D" ~ stardust591
"This right here OP, you don't need to apologize. You said no and that should be the end of it, if they refuse to see you.. good guess that means no surprise dropping off the kids right?"
"You need to establish boundaries right now. Tell her that unless it's an emergency she needs to give at bare minimum a 24 hour notice on if she needs someone to watch the kids, but that if you say no then that should be the end of it."
"Also in the foreseeable future if the wedding is child free, tell her you charge by the day.. and that IS the family discount. NTA"
"Edit: tell her if she doesn't respect your boundaries and abuses the system that you've set up that you will no longer watch her kids, and if she drops them off that you will call CPS for child abandonment." ~ Time_Detective7632
"As a normal type person I'd have rung the BIL before making the hair appt, to ask and check that day was ok, then made hair appt, then rung BIL back to give times."
"Even if it's your mother you ask (nicely) then make arrangements to suit." ~ 3rd-time-lucky
"Yes, but even so, not 'can you watch kid in 5 min' but 'can you watch kid tomorrow between X and Y'" ~ Professional_Duck564
"Exactly, I'll ask my MIL at least a week in advance if I need her to watch my daughter. I'm a SAHM too so it's not often I ask but she has several different drs appointments and I'm not about to get in the way of her checkups. Also if she didn't feel like it, because obviously her health isn't 100%, then I'd make different arrangements."
"My daughter is a good kid, she's almost five, but watching a child is tiresome and like say if her fibromyalgia was flaring up badly I wouldn't want her keeping my daughter with her feeling bad. That's not fair to her."
"ETA: Op you're obviously NTA. They didn't even consult with you if it was ok for you to be this go to person for them. They need to ASK."
"Sure they're your nephews but they still need to ask. If my BIL rolled up with my nephew to drop him off without asking if it was ok first I'd let him know he had life fucked up." ~ chelledees
A quick ask would have been more than enough.
"Isn't this just basic courtesy?? Like last week I was signing up for my new semester classes. I know one day a week my in laws love (offered almost demanded) to have my son after school, it's their time with him and they love it."
"But I STILL asked before enrolling in a class that would overlap with school end on that day just in case they changed their mind or didn't feel up to it or wanted to change it."
"I would never just assume a family member wants to have my kid for any amount of time without absolutely making sure they were happy to. Ops SIL is entitled to the max and his brother is too expecting his brother to somehow pick up aspects of his father role while he's not there."
"No. Organize a babysitter or two that you know are good for when you need to go to the hairdresser or... Anything else and don't expect your brother to look after your kids on a moment's notice."
"This is almost as bad as that woman who insisted her mother looking after kids constantly wasn't baby sitting it was bonding time. Op is NTA at all but brother and SIL majorly are." ~ hebejebez
"It's not like a hair appt is a surprise. If she had called OP he would have said he had plans before that day and she could have made other arrangements or she could have rescheduled her appt. super entitled behavior. Apparently brother and SIL are the only ones with lives." ~ JuryNo7670
"Exactly, you booked two weeks in advance, so why did SIL call just before the appointment and demand a babysitter? That should also have been booked ahead of time."
"I bought concert tickets a couple of months ago and the concert (maybe, stupid pandemic) is a month away. But I asked my mother to babysit WHEN I BOOKED the tickets! Like a normal polite person you do this in good time before you need the sitter."
"If there would have been an actual emergency like SIL needed to go to the doctor with one of the kids and a babysitter for the other one, then OP would have been the a-hole, but under these circumstances, absolutely NTA!"
"Edit: Just checked, concert is officially postponed, I hope my mother can babysit on the new date but of course there's no guarantee. I'll just have to hope for the best." ~ Waste-Phase-2857
Many could relate with OP.
"Seriously… I can't believe how many times I have seen parents expect family to watch their children without notice in situations like this, then try to guilt the family."
"OP, this is not how reasonable people behave. It's childish and entitled. Therefore, NTA." ~ puppykat0
"This right here. My sister used to do this when her child was younger. Just show up and drop the baby off."
"The last time she did it, she pulled up and let her 5yr old daughter out of the car, didn't even get out of the car, just honked and left."
"My hubby and I were at work. Then she called me on my cell to see if she got in the house and started screaming at me because her daughter stood out there for 20 minutes in the cold waiting for me to open my door and I wasn't there. SMH." ~ KittKatt7179
"I would not even offer to be available for babysitting during emergencies, because the brother and SIL are already so myopically entitled it seems likely they will interpret 'emergency' any way they please."
"OP, this is insane. This thread and other advice columns are full of people trying to navigate having other people's kids dumped on them."
"I can't believe this many horrible entitled parents who apparently have never heard of 'paid babysitting' are out there, but here we are. What they all have in common is they are very, very difficult to reason with."
"I would make it clear, IN WRITING, to both brother and SIL that you are done. That you never asked to be a third person in their marriage and you certainly never agreed to having kids."
"The children are their responsibility and your automatic, ongoing answer to 'can you watch them' is no."
"Also warn them that if they leave them at your house and you are not there and something happens to those kids, it will be their responsibility, not yours — and in fact you will be reporting them for child abandonment, should this ever happen (unfortunately, you need to do this to legally protect yourself)."
"Also, if they drag you into these discussions again, simply telling them no and that you're not available is enough. It's completely irrelevant what you're doing when you can't babysit."
"Do not get dragged into arguments over whose commitment is more important, an art show or a hair appointment. These aren't your kids and you didn't sign up to provide a lifetime of free last minute child care, so what you are doing when you can't watch them matters fuck all to anybody."
"Remind them they are welcome to plan for and pay for an actual babysitter. Who is not you."
"Good luck to you. NTA, like, so incredibly obviously." ~ loptopblop
Uncles are not instant babysitters.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.