Being part of a destination wedding is a major financial commitment unless the couple getting married is footing the bill for everyone.
When you RSVP “yes,” it’s generally after plenty of thought and planning.
So what could make you change your mind and cancel?
A couple is struggling with that question, so one partner turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for saying my BIL should move the date of his ‘wedding’ or husband and I can’t go?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“A friend of mine from college is getting married at a destination I had dreamed of going to for a long time but was totally out of our budget.”
“Her uncle owns a resort and has offered amazing discounts on rooms to her guests. We’ve had this planned for months, RSVP’d, booked a room, arranged childcare, everything.”
“Now his brother wants to get married the weekend of the wedding.”
“They’re not really doing anything, just a quick ceremony and party in my in-law’s backyard. It will be more like a family barbecue then any kind of actual wedding.”
“My husband wants to cancel everything so we can be in town. I don’t want to cancel for the reasons outlined above.”
“We’ve been in an argument about it. I suggested that his brother can just move it to the weekend before or after.”
“They don’t have out-of-town guests, a wedding venue or vendors booked, or anything that would stop them from being able to move it so my husband and I can attend. It’s just pure stubbornness.”
“My husband isn’t backing me up on this at all and has definitely been talking sh*t to his family about me, which I hate. He thinks I’m being entitled.”
“If his brother was having a real wedding that had been planned for months and involved a ton of time/money spent I’d feel differently. But as I said, it costs them nothing to just change the weekend.”
The OP added:
“I might be the a**hole because it is his brother and I get that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors voted the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. How on earth are you being entitled? You r.s.v.p.’d yes to your friend’s wedding months before your BIL announced his wedding, and your husband went right along with it.”
“You made financial arrangements and have booked child care arrangements. And you’re supposed to renege on that because your BIL decided on a whim to get married?”
“And he expects you to cancel all of that to accommodate him? He’s the one being grossly entitled.”
“But your husband is the biggest AH in this situation. He’s not only failing to support you to his family; he’s actively sh*t talking you to them.”
“To me, that’s unforgivable behavior.”
“You should go to your friend’s wedding and leave your husband at home. He’s going to deliberately make sure you don’t enjoy yourself during what should be a great time.”
“Then he can enjoy his entitled brother’s barbecue.” ~ Anonymoosehead123
“NTA. You already had these plans. They made their plans knowing full well you had other obligations.”
“Sounds a little passive-aggressive to me. OP’s husband’s BROTHER made a plan for a wedding on a date his brother was already committed elsewhere for.”
“But the biggest issue here is OP’s husband’s behavior. Major red flag. What a big baby.”
“I say go to the wedding you want to go to and committed to go to a long time ago. It might be the last vacation you’ll get before the divorce.” ~ Redditor
“Not really a fan of destination weddings, but if I ever did decide to go to one and commit to it months ahead of time, I wouldn’t drop it for someone’s spur-of-the-moment backyard one either.”
“One is a vacation for me. The other is a barbecue.”
“Don’t get me wrong, both have equal value to the people getting married, but one is a vacation where I spend a couple of hours watching someone get married, and then I enjoy a vacation. The other one, I give up the vacation in order to stand in a backyard.”
“I still don’t like expecting everyone to spend thousands on travel for a wedding. NTA.” ~ ClamatoDiver
“Just take the wedding part out of the equation.”
“If the brother knowingly scheduled his wedding—for no good reason like a relative dying or a very important date or whatever—right in the middle of an already planned and paid vacation of his sibling; that’s on him.
“He can’t expect his brother to be out $1000’s and a holiday; just to attend his shotgun wedding. NTA.” ~ LionessOfAzzalle
“NTA—why can’t you just go to the weddings separately? I understand why that would suck for both of you but it’s the simplest solution.”
“There is a compromise here. You just both have to be willing to sacrifice a little.” ~ WifeofBath1984
“My husband and I had weddings that clashed on the same day—my cousin and the daughter of his best friend.”
“We thought the mature thing to do was go to the separate events.” ~ Adept_Tension_7326
“NTA. Speaking as someone who actually did a backyard wedding (albeit we ordered catering and rented some things), your BIL is wildly inconsiderate in making plans.”
“My spouse and I gave every invitee a list of possible weekends to mark off which ones they could make and well in advance of the actual wedding.”
“We certainly didn’t want to make anyone cancel other plans they already made and wanted to make sure they could attend, especially since they are our closest friends and family.”
“Why didn’t your BIL ask your husband before making plans? The way your husband instantly caved to his brother makes me wonder about their relationship.” ~ ClankingDishwasher
“NTA. Yes, the wedding that has been planned for months that you’ve probably already RSVP’d for takes priority.”
“It’s a huge commitment to be invited to something like this, it doesn’t matter how much money was spent. Your friend planned ahead and sent invites, this is not the same seriousness as a family BBQ.”
“His brother is being inconsiderate doing it last minute. If he wanted everyone to be there he would plan a date far enough out to have notice.” ~ PurpleAriadne
However some called out the OP’s attitude about her brother-in-law’s wedding, calling OP the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA for calling it a ‘wedding’. It IS a wedding. Full stop. Your disdain for his choices is gross.” ~ Rare-Progress5009
“YTA just because the way you talked about your BIL’s wedding.” ~ NcgreenIantern
“NTA due to your prior commitment but YTA for your attitude towards your BIL. Just because it’s small doesn’t make it any less a wedding for him.” ~ Levicorpyutani
“NTA for wanting to go to the wedding that is already planned/booked/paid for/RSVPd. YTA for continuously calling his brother’s wedding ‘not a real wedding’ simply bc it’s very casual. Stop doing that.”
“It’s your dream location. Does the dream suffer if you go solo? Serious question, not snark.”
“Go to the friend’s wedding and make an awesome dessert to contribute to the brother-in-law’s wedding reception before you head out! You already committed to this event go to it.”
“But stop belittling the brother’s wedding please.” ~ Hour_Preparation_105
“YTA. Plenty of people get invited to weddings they can’t attend. Plenty of people get invited to multiple big events on the same day and have to choose between them.”
“They RSVP no to one of them instead of insisting the couple move their date. That’s ridiculously entitled.”
“Go to the wedding you’ve already RSVPd and paid for and send well wishes to your in laws. They might understand if you explain, ‘I’m sorry but we’ve already RSVP’d and paid for a destination that weekend. I’d love to celebrate with you when I’m back’.”
“If they want you there bad enough, they’ll move it, but you have no business asking them to do that. It’s their day. Not yours.”
“You can go enjoy the destination wedding and your husband the local wedding. You’re not attached at the hip.”
“I understand you care about both couples getting married and want to celebrate with both of them by you don’t get to demand anyone change their wedding date to accommodate you.”
“I’m not all that sure you care about your in-laws that much anyway the way you say ‘If his brother was having a real wedding…’.”
“That’s rude and tasteless and disrespectful to start degrading their more casual wedding just because it has affected your plans.” ~ Leviosahhh
And others felt everyone sucked (ESH).
“You saying ‘It will be more like a family barbecue than any kind of actual wedding’ is so absolutely pompous; a wedding can be special with a small group of people just like with a full on wedding.”
“YTA for downplaying the wedding, and your husband is TA for trying to force you to skip. The only person who isn’t an AH is the BIL. You all sound exhausting.” ~ kevlowe
“ESH. OP is dissing BIL’s wedding in the post because it’s low-key & inexpensive. Not cool. If she were disrespectful of BIL’s wedding plans because this was his third, that’d be different.”
“Husband wants to go to brother’s wedding. Okay. He should go. And he should explain that they already had plans for the same weekend, and his wife is honoring that agreement.”
“They could even keep the childcare in place so the husband could have a mini stay-cation, too. This bad-mouthing his wife stuff is ridiculous, and this is a stupid situation to fight over.”
“OP should keep her original plans. They already said yes to her friend’s wedding. It sounds like a less expensive travel opportunity she won’t get again soon, too.” ~ LK_Feral
“Lot to break down:”
“YTA for not thinking this is a real wedding. A wedding celebration is what the bride and groom make it. This is a real wedding.”
“Your husband is TA for ‘talking sh*t’. You shouldn’t be married to anyone who would do this to you.”
“NTA for wanting to keep the prior commitment.” ~ trophycloset33
The OP has several options available to them.
But they probably won’t make everyone happy no matter what they choose.