In a perfect world, the decision to help a fellow college classmate is a no-brainer.
The material is tough, the schedule demanding, and even one or two missed classes can leave someone uncomfortably behind on material.
But adults’ lives, full of unexpected calamities and legitimate obligations, inevitably make 100% attendance difficult. It can happen to anyone, so people usually step up to help, no questions asked.
But what if a person’s previous conduct throws a wrench in that certainty?
For Redditor Impact_Repulsive, as she’s known on the site, a classmate’s plea for schoolwork help wasn’t a no-brainer at all. Some history with that fellow student complicated the usual collaborative arrangement.
And after that uncertainty ignited drama, Impact_Repulsive turned to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit for some feedback.
They explained the entire ordeal in a post whose title gave a good sense of the source of the moral quandary:
“AITA for not wanting to help my classmate after she outed my husband?”
The Original Poster (OP) began with some basics.
“My husband, ‘Adam’ is transgender and takes testosterone. He orders it online to arrive at a pharmacy.”
“I decided to go back to school and get my degree (I’m 28 [year-old female]) last year, and there’s a pharmacy on campus, so we agreed that he’d get his meds shipped there and I’d pick it up for him from now on.”
Things grew complicated on one particular trip to the pharmacy.
“Early this year (January/February sort of time) I picked up Adam’s gel. My classmate, ‘Jess,’ saw me leave with a medication bag, and asked if I was okay, and I said it was for Adam. She then asked if he was okay, and I said he was.”
“She asked me what I’d gotten him.”
“I found this to be more than a little invasive, so I said it was private.”
Jess, apparently, was feeling investigative.
“After a few seconds she asked why I was getting him testosterone, which she’d managed to read off the label on the bag. (EDIT: To be clear, she doesn’t work there, she saw me leaving then started walking with me to class)”
“I couldn’t think of an excuse so I just told her the truth: my husband is trans, he’s trying to be discreet about it, please don’t tell anyone. She agreed and off she went.”
OP’s discomfort didn’t end there.
“Within a few hours, everyone knew and I was on the receiving end of questions from several classmates about how my husband and I have sex and various other disgusting advances.”
“They all said Jess had told them.”
“At the end of the day Adam picked me up and people were ogling us, and he knew that they knew before I even said anything and he was crushed.”
The backdrop set, OP moved on to describe the source of her current predicament.
“About 8 months later, present day, Jess then caught the illness I don’t know if I’m allowed to name. She’s missed basically the whole first month of classes, and will probably miss future ones, too.”
“I make recordings of the lectures that I am willing to share with anyone who asks.”
“She wants my recordings.”
For OP, handing them over didn’t feel so simple.
“She asked me for the recordings privately 6 separate times in the span of 3 days, and the first 5 times I said I’d let her know.”
“The 6th was the final straw for me and I told her to pi** off. Last night she posted in the class chat saying, ‘does anyone have recordings? OP told me to piss off when I asked for hers.'”
The public criticism brought some interpersonal consequences.
“There were a few more exchanges and the conclusion is that I have the only recordings and I’m being a bi*** for not sharing with Jess.”
“I’ve muted the chat. My POV is that after she outed Adam, I don’t want to help her at all.”
“Everyone else’s POV is that she needs my help, she’s in extremely shi**y circumstances, and this would be the right thing to do, plus her outing him had no repercussions beyond people in my class knowing, while me not helping her could lead to her failing the next round of assignments.”
That treatment from her peers drove OP to ask Reddit exactly where, morally, she stood.
“AITA for not helping her?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
For the most part, people concluded with either the NTA and ESH verdicts, with a majority opting for NTA.
Those who felt that “everyone sucked” placed at least some blame on OP for divulging the details of her husband’s situation.
“ESH but your husband. She’s the biggest a**hole of all but YOU outed your husband to her rather than stick to telling her to mind her own business.”
“You’re absolutely right to refuse to help her but I hope you’ve made amends to him in the meantime, for breaking his trust and starting this mess in the first place.” — Dull-Community
“ESH. YOU are the one who outed you’re husband. This classmate also blabbed to everyone so she’s an a**hole. You don’t have to share sh** with her after that.”
“But don’t be mistaken about who’s fault it really is that everyone found out. You told her.” — RoboCat23
“ESH she shouldn’t have spread the word but it was you who outed him, not her.”
“No is a complete sentence and your response to drawing a blank shouldn’t be to out people without their consent.” — purple235
“I almost stopped reading after you said you had no excuse and then told them everything.”
“You didn’t need an excuse, it was none of their business, you should have said as much. You outed him to the wrong person who then outed him further. You f***ed up. ESH minus Hubby.” — Nomanodyssey
But as mentioned, more responses said that OP was simply “not the a**hole.”
“From the bottom of my heart: f*** that. Nta.” — avocadofrog
“NTA… What goes around, comes around! She shouldn’t have been TA in the first place” — RedJW87
“Nta. As jiminy cricket said ‘you buttered your bread now sleep in it!'” — ICWhatsNUrP
They couldn’t believe that Jess had the gall to ask for help after what she did.
“NTA. The only problem I see here is you’re still on speaking terms with someone who violated you and your husband’s privacy.” — WelshRareDit
“You’re not obligated to help anyone at any time, especially after they are extremely invasive about your personal life and go out of their way to spread information that is none of their business, having lied to your face about how they will keep it to themselves.”
“I don’t understand why people who wrong you and those you care about feel entitled to favors.” — Itherial
NTA. Holy sh**. Shes really ballsy to be upset when she crushed your husband by outting him and destroyed your trust by outting him as well.”
“Your friend is terrible for what she did. She should have thought about the potential consequences of her actions before being an a**.” — crybabythot
Others echoed that sentiment, but keyed in on the fact that Jess had plenty of other options besides OP.
“NTA you don’t owe her anything after she pried into your personal life and disrespected your trust. It’s shi**y she’s sick and missing school but it’s on her to have a gameplan for that and not rely on you after she’s missed so much” — Agent_Ayru
“Meh. You asked her not to tell. She told. She asks you for recordings, you tell her to kick rocks. Feels fair to me. NTA.”
“If she needs them so much, surely the tutor has notes and she can do her own research” — n0shmon
Evidently, OP could rest assured that the internet had her back and agreed with her decision not to help out.
But without any update given, it is unclear exactly where she stands among her class.