We all have endless responsibilities. From working long hours to cooking to cleaning to caring for children, we’re never able to check all of our to-do boxes fast enough.
When we live with someone, we expect this feeling will lessen somewhat. With more people in the house, that means fewer responsibilities per person… right?
Tell that to the guy who assumed his girlfriend would handle all of the in-house tasks because of what he views as a practical reason.
After arguing with his girlfriend, the guy wrote into the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, wondering why they couldn’t see eye to eye.
The Original Poster (OP) “plasticcupbad” asked the sub:
“AITA for expecting my girlfriend (gf) to cook dinner?”
The OP pointed out the difference between his commute and his girlfriend’s right away.
“My gf and I both work full time but I do longer hours.”
“We live 5 mins from her work so she only has a short commute and can leave pretty much just before she starts at 7:30, and she finishes at 4:30 so is home by 4:40 at the latest.”
“I have a 1 hr commute each way. I leave at 6:30am for a 7:30 start, and I do 10-12 hr days depending on my work load. Most of the time I get home around 6:30-7pm, sometimes as late as 8-8:30pm.”
“My girlfriend has always been the one who cooks dinner, since she is home way earlier than me. [It] only makes sense, otherwise we’d be eating too late.”
The OP seemed surprised at his girlfriend’s recent request to share their responsibilities.
“It’s been this way for ages and she has never once said anything about it until now it is suddenly an issue. She‘d been complaining that I never cook dinner and demanded I start ‘sharing the load’ to give her a break (her words).”
“I don’t see why I should have to come home and cook dinner when she’s already been home for hours.”
“She argued that she spends this time cleaning the house and catching up on chores, which then sparked a debate on how I apparently never do general household duties. I admitted I don’t do as much as her around the house during the work week for the simple reason is that I’m not home as much as she is.”
“How can I do all of those chores when I’m away at work for 12+ hours? I said she has it easy with her standard 40 hr work week and no commute which made her angry.”
Since their argument, the OP’s girlfriend called a partial moratorium on housework.
“For the past week the only things she offers to ‘cook’ are tinned spaghetti, toast, or packet noodles.”
“I refused to eat and one night got take out for myself instead while she had peanut butter toast.”
“On the third night I got jack of it and said she was being ridiculous for refusing to cook. She told me I’m being sexist for expecting to come home to a proper cooked meal.”
“She later told her coworkers and friends about our talk who apparently all agree that I’m a jerk for my expectations and reasoning for not cooking.”
Fellow Redditors wrote in anonymously, rating the OP’s stance on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some Redditors reminded the OP it isn’t his girlfriend’s job to cook for him.
“No one should expect anyone to do something for them.”
“Yes it’s nice to come home to a meal but it isn’t her job!”
“What happens at the weekend? Do you cook for her then?”
“Can you batch cook things together one day at the weekend so you can have a home cooked meal in the week without having to do anything other than reheat it?” – Pink1982
“Right. She sounds more like a live in maid with possible sex benefits. (I say possible benefits because with an attitude like OP’s he’d be lucky to get lucky.)”
“If the commute is SOO bad maybe they should look into moving closer – split the difference between work places.”
“It doesn’t sound like GF is saying clean the house spotless every night after work, either.”
“Just pull your own weight around the house…throw some laundry in, do the dishes, sweep/vacuum, pick up the living room, etc. The daily small things that end up being large chores by the weekend that apparently is the GF’s responsibility then too.”
“YTA OP. She’s your girlfriend not your mom or maid and start contributing to the day to day running/maintenance of the household.” – NolaSaintMat
“Yah, she didn’t sign up to be his maid and personal chef just because he works a lot.”
“If they don’t share finances it’s even worse since he would get to keep the money from all the work while using it to justify her tending to his every need.” – Dry-Expression
Others agreed and reminded the OP of what his girlfriend’s job actually is.
“And mind you she’s working 40 hours a week which is still a lot even if it’s less than him and he’s doing no chores basically. It’s not like she’s working much less than his 50-60 hour work weeks.”
“It doesn’t matter how long your commute is, since that’s something that he decided on when they picked their place to live or taking the job offer.” – johnsum1998
“he’s TA just for saying she ‘has it easy’ with her 40hr work week just because it’s not as much as him.” – SnooDogs627
A few agreed and stated the OP needed to be a more independent, contributing partner.
“Yeah, sounds like OP isn’t even appreciative. Do you ever do anything for her, OP?”
“You both work full time so you don’t support her, what exactly are you bringing to the relationship?” – buddieroo
“OP is acting like he wouldn’t eat dinner or clean his house if he didn’t have a girlfriend? Plenty of people with long commutes and demanding jobs still have to feed themselves and clean their spaces.”
“Having a girlfriend who works fewer hours isn’t an automatic ‘no chores ever’ free pass.” – scotty_doesntknow
“‘Having a girlfriend who works fewer hours isn’t an automatic ‘no chores ever free pass.’ I agree!”
“It does, at least sometimes, make sense to have the person working fewer hours do a bit more housework than the person with longer shifts or a longer commute.”
“[But] even if you’re away from home most of the day, you still have weekends, you still have days off, you still have some time in the evenings to help with the cooking, or do the dishes after dinner, or maybe pick up the takeout if your partner wants a break from cooking and you just can’t, for whatever reason, step up and cook a meal that night.” – VisualCelery
“This is exactly the point that OP needs to understand. My fiancé and I are in literally the exact same situation and even had this argument ourselves until we came to an agreement.”
“I take care of the majority of the household work/cooking during the week. Our compromise is him doing the one or two chores I ask him to at the end of each day, doing the dishes from the dinner, and he cooks once during the week and twice (one breakfast and one dinner) on the weekends whereas I handle the dishes for those meals. Lawn work we take turns during (but he hates my lines lol).”
“If I start getting overwhelmed or we have guests/an event coming up that makes for more household cleaning, he contributes more than he usually does since it’s [OUR] home and [OUR] guests/events.”
“It’s has to be an equal give and take, [OP], and that doesn’t mean an equal give and take every day. It means an equal give and take every week/month/whatever time frame is understandable and works for both of your schedules.”
“It’s a discussion you guys need to actually have with no assumptions and lay out exactly what you both feel is fair.” – sunflowerdynasty
Everyone’s life would be easier if their to-do list could be magically completed for them.
But the magic spell isn’t all that magical if the secret behind the trick is an underappreciated partner.