Our teen years have a way of marking us with the good, the bad, and the ugliest of memories.
Sometimes it feels like these memories hold on tighter than any others, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, especially when it comes to our loved ones.
Redditor AdAgitated1763’s bond with her twin sister was broken when they were teens, as the pair started to move in opposite directions through different social circles.
But when she never received an apology for how her twin treated her, the Original Poster (OP) decided to cut her sister out of her life in other ways.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to allow my twin to be a bridesmaid at my wedding?”
The OP and her twin grew apart as they grew up.
“I (25 Female) have a fraternal twin sister and am getting married next fall.”
“We were very close growing up until high school. She was an outgoing bubbly cheerleader, and I was a shy nerdy bookworm, so she ditched me for the popular kids.”
“She didn’t actively pick on me, but she’d stand by with her head down and do nothing when they bullied me.”
“She would talk to and hang out with me at home as if nothing was wrong, but when at school or at the mall where kids at our school were likely to be seen, she didn’t want to be seen with me.”
“When we turned sixteen, she had a big bash, but I didn’t have any friends, so I didn’t want to try and have a party.”
“Our parents were making her include me, but she discreetly offered me $100 to pretend I was sick. I took the money because I really didn’t want to go to a party where I’d at best be ignored or at worse picked on.”
The OP saw no point in staying close.
“We went to separate colleges across the country from each other, she tried to keep in touch, but I ignored her because I was very traumatized by losing my sister/best friend.”
“I would be polite to her at home during school breaks but kept her at arm’s length.”
That included the planning of the OP’s wedding.
“Now that I’m planning my wedding, I don’t want her to be a bridesmaid (let alone Maid of Honor), even though my parents thought it’d be a good ‘compromise’ to have her just be a regular bridesmaid.”
“My ‘big sister’ from my sorority will be my Maid of Honor, and my fellow ‘little sisters’ who had the same big sister as me will be my bridesmaids.”
“I reluctantly said she could be a guest at the wedding but not a bridesmaid (if it were entirely up to me, I wouldn’t invite her at all, but that would cause more drama in my family than it’s worth).”
The sisters couldn’t reach a compromise.
“I pointed out to her and my parents, ‘But what would other people think if she was seen with me?'”
“She cried. She has never apologized, she just thinks because it was so long ago, I should let bygones be bygones, because she was young and immature.”
“My parents agree with her.”
“But I had to be in therapy for years because of her, so why should I have someone as a bridesmaid who thinks they’re better than me?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some praised the OP for standing up for herself.
“I was awful to my younger sister. We were four years apart so had little in common (besides my friends having siblings her age and were often told to tag along when I went to my friends). We didn’t see each other much in school, but I was still a total jerk whenever I did.”
“20 years later and I still apologize all the time because I grew up to be a good person who recognizes my mistakes and honestly still feel terrible almost every day.”
“Yeah, I was too young to know better. Yeah, I wanted to be an only sibling. Yeah, I thought it made me cool. Yeah, my parents were a horrible example of how to treat people. But I know better NOW.”
“And it kills me I can’t go back in time and be the older sister she deserved. So, if she really felt bad and deserved to be forgiven and a place on your special day… you’d know it by now. NTA.” – curiousitrocity
“This would be my response if I were the OP: ‘I agree that you were young and immature. And you still are. If you actually felt bad about your actions, you would be sorry about the pain they caused me and you would be happy to apologize.'”
“Continue, ‘Goodness knows there are things from my own past that I’m ashamed of and I’ve apologized for… If I thought any of my prior actions were still causing someone pain, I would do my best to make it right. You disagree. That’s fine, as you are an adult and can make your own decisions.'”
“Point out, ‘But that means we don’t share the same values. And if we don’t share basic values, why would you even want to be my bridesmaid? How do you think you can be supportive of me in my future life if we can’t even agree on the basics?'”
“End it, ‘Regardless, I’m done having this conversation: you are not close enough to me to be a bridesmaid. Anyone who knows us will not be surprised by this. Anyone who is surprised by this doesn’t know us well enough that we should care about their opinion.'”
“NTA. The people standing next to you on your special day should be the people you feel supported by.” – DinaFelice
“So… do we have the same sister? Because mine… well, let’s combine the ‘popularity’ is everything gene, major narcissistic violent/abusive sociopathic tendencies, and my parents’ (RIP) complete disregard for their younger child’s safety/mental well-being = a recipe for physical/mental abuse that I’m still processing 20 years later.”
“I’m still shocked I survived my childhood (no sarcasm). She’d purposefully put her thrown-together events (i.e. impromptu wedding to her HS sweetheart’s older brother after dating for less than two months) on dates of scheduled performances or similar just so our parents had to choose (spoiler: they always chose her).”
“We are adults and have a forced relationship. But I do not go out of my way to visit my hometown three hours away. I’m so sorry you had a demon sibling too. Hugs for the camaraderie of dealing with a demonic sister.”
“OP, you are NTA. But your parents are enablers for your sister’s sh*tty behavior. I’m glad you found a family outside of your kin who love you just how you are. Congratulations, by the way!” – Dollymatrix
“OP, you are so NTA, and you have every right to not want your sister at your wedding. My best friend had six bridesmaids standing up next to her, and while we were all her sisters, not one of us had a biological or familial link to her.”
“We were all the most important women to her throughout her life. I was the oldest best friend since we were six. She had her best friends from late primary and high school as well, and friends from her various jobs made up the rest. We all represented different parts of her past that made her who she was.”
“Your sister played a role in your life, and that role has transferred to your wedding, in the capacity of a forced guest to keep the peace. Do not back down, stand your ground, and have the beautiful wedding you want.” – Environmental_Art591
“The only thing OP’s sister is sorry about is that she’s not being allowed to share the stage (and thus try to steal the spotlight) on OP’s special day.”
“NTA, OP! Your sister showed no remorse for the way she treated you during your teens. She even went so far as to pay you to not be at her Sweet Sixteen.”
“Oh boo hoo, the spotlight’s not on you. It’s probably eating her up inside. Try to resist the Cheshire Cat grin when you see her at your wedding.” – Fafaflunkie
Two Redditors suggested what the OP should have done for her sister instead.
“NTA. She’s lucky you don’t offer her $100 to pretend she’s sick on your wedding day.” – RichSignal7022
“Doing this would be such an a** move, but so worth it.” – Llkjh2501
“Nah, I WOULD offer her $100, in front of the family.”
“Say, ‘I did you a solid for our sweet 16, now it’s your turn for my wedding. Here’s $100, make sure you act sick the day of. And try to be more convincing than 16-year-old me.'”
“That way the parents realize that Op wasn’t truly sick on her 16th.” – MattDaveys
But a few weren’t convinced that the sister was as bad as she seemed to be.
“You said, ‘She tried to keep in touch, but I ignored her because I was very traumatized at losing my sister/best friend.'”
“This is why I think YTA. She has tried to reach out to you (maybe even to apologize), but you kept ignoring her.”
“Your teenage sister wanted to be accepted by her friends, so she kept her ‘head down’ rather than defend you. She sucked at a teen, I get it. But you never even tried to work things out with her.”
“And you do not have to make her bridesmaid, but you’d go so far as to say, ‘I wouldn’t invite her’??”
“And this comment was just mean and snarky: ‘I pointed out to her and my parents, ‘But what would other people think if she was seen with me?'”
“It’s been seven YEARS (minimum since this was an issue). I’m not a big fan of the be a bigger person, but try growing up a bit.” – Blacksmithforge3241
“I get being betrayed that your sibling will just be a standby-er when being bullied (even if you aren’t friends with your sibling sticking up for them should be something you do).”
“But years of therapy and hating the sister because of this? Especially from high school? In addition to everything else in her post (being ‘traumatized’ by losing a friend), this just feels a bit much.”
“I also question the reliability of the narration. The sister isn’t a bad person for wanting her own identity.” – dovahkiitten16
“I found it interestingly suspicious that OP joined a sorority and these are the people she does want to include in her ‘day,’ specifically the ones that were assigned to her that had to hang out with her because of tradition.”
“I didn’t even realize shy nerds joined sororities (I certainly didn’t, I went to some rush events with my more bubbly dorm roommates and the greek system was clearly not made for people like me). I wonder if the sister is the actual problem.” – orangefreshy
“Ultimately your wedding party is about including people close to you, and you just don’t have that relationship with your sister.”
“BUT. This is important to talk about:”
“You said, ‘I ignored her because I was very traumatized at losing my sister/best friend.'”
“Based on what you described, she was never your best friend, and it sounds like you had some unfair expectations here like you EXPECTED her to be your best friend and defender.”
“You mention your parents would force her to include you. It sounds like your sister was trying to create her own identity away from you, and have her own friends/interests (some of which were just a natural outgrowth of having a different temperament).”
“You also said, ‘But I had to be in therapy for years because of her.”
“But she didn’t actually DO anything to you except not want to be friends.”
“She didn’t pick on you. She didn’t abuse you.”
“She wanted a party, and you didn’t, so when she had a party with her friends and gave you 100 bucks to not be a be a part of it, that’s frankly mild.”
“Kids are not required to have the same friends. Kids should not be required to be friends with each other, either. Paying you off was s**tty, but your parents didn’t leave any mature options here.”
“So is it really her, or is it unfair expectations put on you starting with your parents that you’d be best friends?”
“Finally, you said, ‘Why should I have someone as a bridesmaid who thinks they’re better than me?'”
“You don’t have a relationship with her, and not wanting to be friends with someone, even your sibling, doesn’t necessarily mean they think they are better than you.”
“The reality is you’ve never moved beyond the strained relationship you had as teenagers, where you were both immature, and your parents didn’t help (still aren’t helping).”
“Whether or not you want to try to build a relationship now is a choice, but even if you do, it’s still reasonable to want your wedding party to be people you are currently close to.”
“And if you don’t want a relationship with your sister, that’s okay too.” – Kettlewise
The subReddit was able to agree that every bride and groom should be able to pick the people they want to have present at their wedding party, with no other conditions attached.
But they were divided on whether this situation stemmed from teenage angst and typical sisterly bickering, or if there was something more here that warranted harboring.