Putting together a menu for a small dinner gathering shouldn’t be difficult.
For many people, apparently, it can be dramatic. So much so that chefs just forgo preparation and throw caution to the wind.
However, when guests follow strict dietary needs, that caution is imperative.
This can cause some chaos at the dinner table.
Redditor Superb_Top8222 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for leaving before dinner because my mom didn’t cook anything my wife can eat?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I recently got married with my long-term fiancée.”
“She and my mom have never really gotten along.”
“I always hoped things would get better after the marriage.”
“My mom invited us over for dinner, which was supposed to be our first meal as a married couple at her house.”
“Now, my wife is a vegan.”
“She was a vegetarian before but switched to vegan a couple of months ago.”
“My mom KNOWS she’s a vegan.”
“Despite that, my mom didn’t prepare a single vegan dish for her.”
“Except for a soggy-looking salad.”
“Even the veggie soup, she added chicken broth to it, to make it ‘tastier.’”
“The rest was all non-vegan stuff like mac and cheese, fried chicken, jambalaya, and banana pudding for dessert—all things my wife can’t eat.”
“I told my mom we were going to leave before dinner since there was nothing for Olga (my wife) to eat.”
“My mom said she could just pick the shrimp out of the jambalaya and eat the salad.”
“I told her that’s not how it works.”
“Then she started insisting the veggie soup was fine.”
“I pointed out that it wasn’t vegan because of the chicken broth.”
“Which according to my mom, was ‘bullsh*t.’”
“She then asked Olga if she could just eat normally for one day.”
“My wife said no, but she doesn’t mind just having the salad.”
“I knew she was just trying to save the day and was fed up with how my mom was treating her, so I thanked my mom and told her we were leaving.”
My mom freaked out, she blamed us for being disrespectful, and she said she spent hours cooking all that food for me.”
“I told her that’s the issue; she should’ve thought about Olga, too.”
“My mom said I was exaggerating because ‘it’s not like she’s allergic or anything.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. As a 10+ years mostly plant-based and having ‘difficult’ family I can tell you this…”
“1 – Accept the fact that your mum will never respect your wife and her choices.”
“Yes, it’s bad and sad, but there is nothing you can do.”
“2 – then you can choose to ignore her, go minimal in contact.”
“3 – Try to have a somewhat normal relationship.”
“That includes bringing food every time you come (usually ‘weird’ vegan stuff gets eaten first at family dinners, lol).”
“When dealing with ‘difficult’ family members I usually bring a main dish (2–3 portions, one for me and 1–2 to share with everybody as a snack) and a dessert (big one, for everybody).”
“Then I just ignore all the snarky comments about me being inconvenient.”
“That’s the only way that allows me to see some family members 2–3 times a year.”
“I can’t change their view on a plant-based diet.”
“They can’t make me eat meat.” ~ kryskawithoutH
“Not vegan, but I know a celiac and had her and her daughter over for my baby shower.”
“I made regular cupcakes for everyone and gluten-free for her and her daughter.”
“By the end of the party, I had no gluten-free cupcakes and a bunch of regular left.”
“I made a bunch of both but people loved the gluten-free ones.”
“It was crazy. I felt like I probably could have just made gluten-free and not been stressed about making sure I didn’t contaminate them.”
“Would have been so much easier to just make a double batch of those.” ~ melodytanner26
“It still saddens me that people resort to bringing their own food.”
“I host large family dinners several times a year and love cooking.”
“We don’t have any vegans, but we do have plenty of strict vegetarians- some who don’t eat eggs either, but other dairy is okay.”
“I always make 90% of the sides veggie and one main dish veggie as well.”
“Even if we have turkey. I swap the broth out for homemade veggie or mushroom broth, and if I can skip eggs, I do; if I can’t, I let them know.”
“Dessert is also usually veggie.”
“I just don’t get why this is such a point of contention amongst hosts I would be told off so hard by my mom if I behaved the way OP’s mother does towards anyone…. it’s not hard to buy vegan if you can’t cook it.” ~ Elegant-Cricket8106
“NTA. My mom freaked out, she blamed us for being disrespectful, and she said she spent hours cooking all that food for me.”
“I told her that’s the issue, she should’ve thought about Olga too.”
“My mom said I was exaggerating because ‘it’s not like she’s allergic or anything.'”
“For your mom to not have cooked a single thing that Olga could eat is a massive power play.”
“She then asked Olga if can’t she just eat normally for one day.” ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
“I would consider myself the polar opposite of a vegetarian/vegan, and I am also not much of a cook.”
“However, we have 2 friends in our larger friend group who are vegetarians, so I most certainly went out and found a couple of black bean-based recipes to have in rotation when I am hosting.”
“They’re very simple and not hard to prepare.”
“I would never want my friends to come over and not have an option to eat.”
“And these are just friends, this was her D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw].”
“It’s clear, based on her very odd menu choices, that this woman was going out of her way to make a point!”
“And, as I said in another comment, I’d be very curious to know how OP determined there was chicken broth in the vegetable soup.”
“I’m sure it was obvious to OP immediately, but did they have to ask, or was Mom upfront?”
“Just feels like a situation where mom might have been hoping to have a gotcha moment after dinner.” ~ PurplePufferPea
“NTA. OP. OP. DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!!!”
“You did the right thing.”
“You stood up for your wife.”
“Your mom’s behavior is unwelcoming and extremely passive-aggressive (maybe just aggressive?).”
“Importantly, and this is what I want you to focus on, your mom’s behavior is these things only towards your wife.”
“I see that you are now feeling bad because your mom ‘spent hours cooking all the food’ and I’m guessing because she made all that food for you.”
“These are not things that weigh in your mom’s favor or make you an AH.”
“They are the PROBLEM.”
“Please see this.”
“Don’t fall directly into the trap your mom is setting!”
“You saw it perfectly at the beginning.”
“‘I told her that’s the issue, she should’ve thought about Olga too.'”
“Exactly!!! Yes!”
“Thank you for standing up for your wife!”
“Thank you for seeing that your mom is trying to divide you guys and create a wedge! “
“Don’t undo all that good husband work by backtracking now.” ~ Even_Budget2078
“Mom made a salad and vegetable soup – she did think about Olga.”
“And then very purposely chose to sabotage one of those things.”
“The vegetable soup with chicken broth – that’s the screaming siren here.”
“What mom did was intentional, disrespectful, and it was definitely a manipulative power play.”
“I’d be willing to bet she wouldn’t have disclosed the chicken broth if someone hadn’t asked like some kind of gotcha for why OP’s wife really can eat some animal products and ‘nothing bad will happen.’”
“I cannot fathom my mother doing this, but if any version of this happened to me with any relative, I would absolutely tell them we will never be eating with them again.” ~ HandinHand123
“The problem I see is where OP says he ‘hoped things would get better’ after the marriage.”
“Why would he assume things would magically fix themselves?”
“He’s going to have to step up and actively bridge that divide.”
“If he continues to approach the issue like he did here in this post, he’s either going to lose his relationship with his mother, or create a resentment in his wife.”
“Also, I would say NTA for leaving, but it’s always a good idea to provide your own dish if you have dietary restrictions like this.”
“I would never expect anyone to make an entirely separate dish for me.”
“Still though, this seems like it was intentional by his mom so I would say NTA.” ~ jimbojangles1987
“NTA. This was a marriage test, a husband test.”
“Your mom was testing if you’ll prioritize her feelings over your wife.”
“She may not have even consciously known she was doing it, but it was still a test.”
“You passed with flying colors.” ~ Sweet_Cinnabonn
“NTA. You know the saying ‘start how you mean to go on.'”
“Which of you haven’t heard it before, means ‘set your standard from the very beginning’ if you want people to respect and make it a habit to behave within certain limits.”
“It’s a great way to start a marriage.”
“You expect yourself and your wife to be treated with kindness and consideration, and you will politely excuse yourself ANY TIME that isn’t occurring.”
“If you do the hard work NOW while your mother is already adjusting to you being married, then it gets bundled into the same emotional work for her.” ~ HappySummerBreeze
“NTA. This absolutely was a power play by your mum.”
“She knew your wife would barely have anything to eat and was either trying to manipulate her into eating non-vegan food or was genuinely ok with her having nothing to eat.”
“Both are extremely disrespectful and rude.”
“You did everything right by the sounds of it, had your wife’s back (without your wife having to awkwardly say something to your mum) and directly called out your mum, then followed through on leaving the meal so your wife wouldn’t be forced to sit through a meal she couldn’t eat.”
“Your mum needs to apologize.” ~ JumpyMaize4409
“NTA but marriage doesn’t all of a sudden make relationships better.”
“If your mom was awful to her before she still will be.”
“Great now you don’t have to expect to go to Mom’s anymore.”
“She can come to dinner at your house, and Olga cooks, and maybe you make her some chicken on the grill to accompany it.”
“If she is at all disrespectful again, she is told she isn’t welcome until she respects your wife and you.”
“Sorry, this is happening.” ~ alleycanto
“NTA. Sadly, a missed opportunity on your mum’s behalf to cook some nice vegan meals and make your wife feel like she’s a welcome part of the family.”
“Truth be told this was no accident, as if she couldn’t have kept half the veggie soup aside with no added chicken broth at the least.”
“You and your mum really need to have a one-on-one.” ~ Legdicapped
“NTA. Your mom is being horrible.”
“I just met my son’s G[irl]F[riend] who is vegan.”
‘They came for Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Except for the turkey itself, every dish was vegan-friendly.”
“Including the pie.”
“It ain’t difficult anymore.”
“To use chicken stock in the soup made it obvious that she was purposely being disrespectful.”
“If I were you, I would simply decline all her dinner invites.” ~ Dark54g
“NTA. You stuck up for your wife; you did the right thing, OP.”
“Time to think about whether you see the situation with your mother improving or if it’s worth going low contact with her.” ~ laughinglovinglivid
“NTA. Your mom knew exactly what she was doing.”
“I’m a meat eater, but even I know that many vegans will get ill if they have any meat because their bodies can no longer process it correctly.” ~ nolamom0811
Reddit is with you, OP.
It feels like your Mom has no respect for you or your wife.
Preparing vegan meals isn’t that difficult.
Keep standing your ground.
Good luck.