Putting together a menu for a small dinner gathering shouldn't be difficult.
For many people, apparently, it can be dramatic. So much so that chefs just forgo preparation and throw caution to the wind.
However, when guests follow strict dietary needs, that caution is imperative.
This can cause some chaos at the dinner table.
Redditor Superb_Top8222 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for leaving before dinner because my mom didn't cook anything my wife can eat?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I recently got married with my long-term fiancée."
"She and my mom have never really gotten along."
"I always hoped things would get better after the marriage."
"My mom invited us over for dinner, which was supposed to be our first meal as a married couple at her house."
"Now, my wife is a vegan."
"She was a vegetarian before but switched to vegan a couple of months ago."
"My mom KNOWS she's a vegan."
"Despite that, my mom didn't prepare a single vegan dish for her."
"Except for a soggy-looking salad."
"Even the veggie soup, she added chicken broth to it, to make it 'tastier.'"
"The rest was all non-vegan stuff like mac and cheese, fried chicken, jambalaya, and banana pudding for dessert—all things my wife can't eat."
"I told my mom we were going to leave before dinner since there was nothing for Olga (my wife) to eat."
"My mom said she could just pick the shrimp out of the jambalaya and eat the salad."
"I told her that's not how it works."
"Then she started insisting the veggie soup was fine."
"I pointed out that it wasn't vegan because of the chicken broth."
"Which according to my mom, was 'bullsh*t.'"
"She then asked Olga if she could just eat normally for one day."
"My wife said no, but she doesn't mind just having the salad."
"I knew she was just trying to save the day and was fed up with how my mom was treating her, so I thanked my mom and told her we were leaving."
My mom freaked out, she blamed us for being disrespectful, and she said she spent hours cooking all that food for me."
"I told her that's the issue; she should've thought about Olga, too."
"My mom said I was exaggerating because 'it's not like she's allergic or anything.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. As a 10+ years mostly plant-based and having 'difficult' family I can tell you this..."
"1 – Accept the fact that your mum will never respect your wife and her choices."
"Yes, it's bad and sad, but there is nothing you can do."
"2 – then you can choose to ignore her, go minimal in contact."
"3 – Try to have a somewhat normal relationship."
"That includes bringing food every time you come (usually 'weird' vegan stuff gets eaten first at family dinners, lol)."
"When dealing with 'difficult' family members I usually bring a main dish (2–3 portions, one for me and 1–2 to share with everybody as a snack) and a dessert (big one, for everybody)."
"Then I just ignore all the snarky comments about me being inconvenient."
"That's the only way that allows me to see some family members 2–3 times a year."
"I can't change their view on a plant-based diet."
"They can't make me eat meat." ~ kryskawithoutH
"Not vegan, but I know a celiac and had her and her daughter over for my baby shower."
"I made regular cupcakes for everyone and gluten-free for her and her daughter."
"By the end of the party, I had no gluten-free cupcakes and a bunch of regular left."
"I made a bunch of both but people loved the gluten-free ones."
"It was crazy. I felt like I probably could have just made gluten-free and not been stressed about making sure I didn't contaminate them."
"Would have been so much easier to just make a double batch of those." ~ melodytanner26
"It still saddens me that people resort to bringing their own food."
"I host large family dinners several times a year and love cooking."
"We don't have any vegans, but we do have plenty of strict vegetarians- some who don't eat eggs either, but other dairy is okay."
"I always make 90% of the sides veggie and one main dish veggie as well."
"Even if we have turkey. I swap the broth out for homemade veggie or mushroom broth, and if I can skip eggs, I do; if I can't, I let them know."
"Dessert is also usually veggie."
"I just don't get why this is such a point of contention amongst hosts I would be told off so hard by my mom if I behaved the way OP's mother does towards anyone.... it's not hard to buy vegan if you can't cook it." ~ Elegant-Cricket8106
"NTA. My mom freaked out, she blamed us for being disrespectful, and she said she spent hours cooking all that food for me."
"I told her that's the issue, she should've thought about Olga too."
"My mom said I was exaggerating because 'it's not like she's allergic or anything.'"
"For your mom to not have cooked a single thing that Olga could eat is a massive power play."
"She then asked Olga if can't she just eat normally for one day." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"I would consider myself the polar opposite of a vegetarian/vegan, and I am also not much of a cook."
"However, we have 2 friends in our larger friend group who are vegetarians, so I most certainly went out and found a couple of black bean-based recipes to have in rotation when I am hosting."
"They're very simple and not hard to prepare."
"I would never want my friends to come over and not have an option to eat."
"And these are just friends, this was her D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"It's clear, based on her very odd menu choices, that this woman was going out of her way to make a point!"
"And, as I said in another comment, I'd be very curious to know how OP determined there was chicken broth in the vegetable soup."
"I'm sure it was obvious to OP immediately, but did they have to ask, or was Mom upfront?"
"Just feels like a situation where mom might have been hoping to have a gotcha moment after dinner." ~ PurplePufferPea
"NTA. OP. OP. DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!!!"
"You did the right thing."
"You stood up for your wife."
"Your mom's behavior is unwelcoming and extremely passive-aggressive (maybe just aggressive?)."
"Importantly, and this is what I want you to focus on, your mom's behavior is these things only towards your wife."
"I see that you are now feeling bad because your mom 'spent hours cooking all the food' and I'm guessing because she made all that food for you."
"These are not things that weigh in your mom's favor or make you an AH."
"They are the PROBLEM."
"Please see this."
"Don't fall directly into the trap your mom is setting!"
"You saw it perfectly at the beginning."
"'I told her that's the issue, she should've thought about Olga too.'"
"Exactly!!! Yes!"
"Thank you for standing up for your wife!"
"Thank you for seeing that your mom is trying to divide you guys and create a wedge! "
"Don't undo all that good husband work by backtracking now." ~ Even_Budget2078
"Mom made a salad and vegetable soup - she did think about Olga."
"And then very purposely chose to sabotage one of those things."
"The vegetable soup with chicken broth - that's the screaming siren here."
"What mom did was intentional, disrespectful, and it was definitely a manipulative power play."
"I'd be willing to bet she wouldn't have disclosed the chicken broth if someone hadn't asked like some kind of gotcha for why OP's wife really can eat some animal products and 'nothing bad will happen.'"
"I cannot fathom my mother doing this, but if any version of this happened to me with any relative, I would absolutely tell them we will never be eating with them again." ~ HandinHand123
"The problem I see is where OP says he 'hoped things would get better' after the marriage."
"Why would he assume things would magically fix themselves?"
"He's going to have to step up and actively bridge that divide."
"If he continues to approach the issue like he did here in this post, he's either going to lose his relationship with his mother, or create a resentment in his wife."
"Also, I would say NTA for leaving, but it's always a good idea to provide your own dish if you have dietary restrictions like this."
"I would never expect anyone to make an entirely separate dish for me."
"Still though, this seems like it was intentional by his mom so I would say NTA." ~ jimbojangles1987
"NTA. This was a marriage test, a husband test."
"Your mom was testing if you'll prioritize her feelings over your wife."
"She may not have even consciously known she was doing it, but it was still a test."
"You passed with flying colors." ~ Sweet_Cinnabonn
"NTA. You know the saying 'start how you mean to go on.'"
"Which of you haven't heard it before, means 'set your standard from the very beginning' if you want people to respect and make it a habit to behave within certain limits."
"It's a great way to start a marriage."
"You expect yourself and your wife to be treated with kindness and consideration, and you will politely excuse yourself ANY TIME that isn't occurring."
"If you do the hard work NOW while your mother is already adjusting to you being married, then it gets bundled into the same emotional work for her." ~ HappySummerBreeze
"NTA. This absolutely was a power play by your mum."
"She knew your wife would barely have anything to eat and was either trying to manipulate her into eating non-vegan food or was genuinely ok with her having nothing to eat."
"Both are extremely disrespectful and rude."
"You did everything right by the sounds of it, had your wife's back (without your wife having to awkwardly say something to your mum) and directly called out your mum, then followed through on leaving the meal so your wife wouldn't be forced to sit through a meal she couldn't eat."
"Your mum needs to apologize." ~ JumpyMaize4409
"NTA but marriage doesn't all of a sudden make relationships better."
"If your mom was awful to her before she still will be."
"Great now you don't have to expect to go to Mom's anymore."
"She can come to dinner at your house, and Olga cooks, and maybe you make her some chicken on the grill to accompany it."
"If she is at all disrespectful again, she is told she isn't welcome until she respects your wife and you."
"Sorry, this is happening." ~ alleycanto
"NTA. Sadly, a missed opportunity on your mum's behalf to cook some nice vegan meals and make your wife feel like she's a welcome part of the family."
"Truth be told this was no accident, as if she couldn't have kept half the veggie soup aside with no added chicken broth at the least."
"You and your mum really need to have a one-on-one." ~ Legdicapped
"NTA. Your mom is being horrible."
"I just met my son's G[irl]F[riend] who is vegan."
'They came for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Except for the turkey itself, every dish was vegan-friendly."
"Including the pie."
"It ain't difficult anymore."
"To use chicken stock in the soup made it obvious that she was purposely being disrespectful."
"If I were you, I would simply decline all her dinner invites." ~ Dark54g
"NTA. You stuck up for your wife; you did the right thing, OP."
"Time to think about whether you see the situation with your mother improving or if it's worth going low contact with her." ~ laughinglovinglivid
"NTA. Your mom knew exactly what she was doing."
"I'm a meat eater, but even I know that many vegans will get ill if they have any meat because their bodies can no longer process it correctly." ~ nolamom0811
Reddit is with you, OP.
It feels like your Mom has no respect for you or your wife.
Preparing vegan meals isn't that difficult.
Keep standing your ground.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp