When it came time to have engagement photos taken, Redditor cjcreggisqueen and their partner hired a photographer that came highly recommended by a friend.
Unfortunately, the session was beset by a multitude of problems that led the Original Poster (OP) to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not paying my engagement photographer?"
In the throwaway post, the OP wrote:
"My partner and I just had our engagement photos taken (safely, with precautions). The photographer was recommended to us by a friend whose photos impressed us so we contacted the photographer, paid their deposit, and hired them for the day, which was day before yesterday."
"My partner and I chose a location that meant a great deal to us, is easy to access but somewhat remote, as to avoid other people in our shots or outside influence in our photos."
"My partner and I arrived on time at the location ready to shoot. There was nothing we needed to do to get ready."
"The photographer was half an hour late before they called us to let us know they were late and they were a further hour late. When the photographer arrived they had their young child as well. They didn't tell us they'd be bringing a child with them when we booked nor did they tell us when they called us to say they'd be late."
"They explained that their childcare fell through and they couldn't find a replacement but we were their only appointment for the day so it wasn't an issue (on their end)."
"It took nearly half an hour for the photographer to set up their equipment. Mind you at this point we had been supposed to begin an hour before and, figuring we'd not be finished anytime soon, my partner had to cancel our plans for after the shoot, upsetting many people and causing disappointment."
"Their attitude was also incredibly brusque and abrupt. They were also kind of pushy and bossy."
"When the photographer finally started shooting their child began acting out and they had to stop every few minutes to parent the child. It sort of ruined the afternoon for us because when the photographer wasn't paying attention my partner and I were trying to keep the child from getting hurt."
"The photographer took an hour's worth of photos and we all departed. On the way home I told my partner I wasn't paying for any of it because the photographer was stopping every few moments to watch the child, the child causes massive disruptions, and how the photographer was late and had a negative attitude."
"This morning the photographer emailed us the photos they'd taken and despite everything the photos were actually really good. That said, I told the photographer that we wouldn't be using the photos or paying her because of everything I listed above."
"The photographer started blowing up my phone with nasty texts. When they threatened a law suit I blocked them. My partner deleted the photos that had been emailed to us because we didn't want them."
"Our friend who recommended the photographer to us said she was surprised because the photographer had been great for her and her fiancé. She said we suck because we let the photographer do all the work for nothing. I mean, we did pay a deposit (nonrefundable)."
"Are we a**hole for refusing to pay?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA - You're The A**hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A**holes Here
While some Redditors agreed the photographer mishandled the shoot, the OP was not given a free pass for denying payment.
"I get that she ruined the whole photoshoot experience with her unprofessionalism. I also understand that you could have felt 'trapped' in that situation: you commited and didn't want to bail out last minute."
"BUT you knew right after the photoshoot that you wouldn't pay her. You should have told her right then, even through email or texts."
"Instead, you let her do all the editing just for you to announce you wouldn't pay her... that's quite an AH move."
"Also, she can't be sure you deleted the pictures, on her end, you could have scammed her to get (almost) free photos."
"Just pay her and leave a bad review."
"I'll vote ESH." – tahitian_kitty
"The decision had been made to not pay in the car on the way home. Fine, fair enough. But call up straight away and let the photographer know there's no point editing the photos."
"As irritating and unprofessional as the photographer was, getting a babysitter during a pandemic when your original one falls through probably is a nightmare and she still brought them out to get the shoot done."
"In a very unprofessional way, but still... props to her for trying." – Pengalin
"Allowing the photographer to put the work into editing the photos knowing you have no intention of paying her is a real a**hole move." – 0biterdicta
"OP played themselves. What is the point of letting waiting and letting [her] take the pics if they were going to auto reject." – trippygg
"ESH. They were unprofessional, but they did the job, and took nice photos. That's what you were paying for - not a pleasant afternoon."
"And if you were angry about the lateness and the photographer's unprofessional manner, you should have made that clear at the time, not let them do the job and then said 'by the way, we're not paying you.'" – WebbieVanderquack
The general consensus was ESH and, after reading through the comments, the OP wrote the following update.
"I'm reading all the comments and I hear everyone. I would like to add that my contract with this person said I would receive 300 photos, which I did not."
"That being said I am going to contact the photographer and offer to pay for the 100 photos delivered. I didn't receive what was agreed upon in totality but I am ready to do the right thing."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.