The workplace is a hot bed of drama.
It's been exacerbated by our cultural wreckoning.
Diversity in the workplace should be embraced.
But it sounds like we have a ways to go.
Case in point...
Redditor meaian wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling a guy a nepo-hire after he said I’m a diversity hire?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (22 F[emale]) recently started working a prestigious company that is unfortunately very male-dominated."
"On my team for example I’m the ONLY woman."
"There’s Asian guys, and another black guy but it’s mostly white dudes."
"And this is actually one of the more diverse teams."
"As a woman of color it’s been a challenging and oftentimes isolating experience."
"Anyway one of my coworkers (M[ale]) is the nephew of the CFO and we started our roles at the same time."
"He’s a white guy, an entitled douchebag and incompetent in my opinion."
"For whatever reason he has disliked me from the very start, often trying to start arguments, being overly competitive etc."
"It was difficult dealing with this because I didn’t want to lose my job."
"Anyway, last month an incident occurred where my boss chose me over M to accompany him to an industry event."
"This really upset M who assumed he’d be invited."
"He’s been acting like a bigger a** ever since."
"This all came to a head when I got lunch with my female colleague from another department."
"M insisted on joining us."
"He started questioning me about the event, but I wasn’t interested in discussing that."
"Then he accused me of manipulating people to get ahead (ridiculous) and that our boss obviously wants to show off his 'exotic diversity hire.'"
"For your information I’m multiracial and come from a poor/dysfunctional background, M 'joked' that I tick a lot of boxes."
"We argued back and forth (with him accusing me of having it easy- again RIDICULOUS) til he once again said that I’m an obvious diversity hire 'bimbo.'"
"I was extremely pissed and told him that he’s a privileged nepotism-baby who literally gets things handed over to him."
"I said that he’ll forever bask in mediocrity, blissfully unaware of how utterly incompetent he truly is."
"I also told him that nobody will ever say that to his face so he should be happy I’m doing him a favor."
"I said this knowing full well that I’d lose my job in the worst case scenario."
"Our colleague gasped immediately and told me to apologize to M, who looked taken aback and confused more than anything."
"However I didn’t apologize and just left."
"Later on M told me that what I said was 'f**ked up' and 'crossed the line.'"
"He claimed that he didn’t insult me and that I took it way too far."
"Then he said that I’m 'lucky' that he’s choosing not to report this."
"Am I the a**hole in this situation?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"He's too embarrassed to report this, because what you said is true."
"I'm curious, did your coworker also gasp at the racist and misogynistic things this guy said and demand HE apologize to you? If not, why not?"
"NTA and wish I'd been a fly on the wall to see nepo-dude's smug and entitled demeanor crumble." ~ PittieLover1
"Wow. So now we know your coworker isn’t an ally let alone a good friend."
"I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this OP, and I’m sad you’re looking for another job."
"Unfortunately in corporate America we have to work twice as hard for half as much."
"I went through something similar when I was in my 20s and I’m sad this crap is still going on."
"I think it’s worth a conversation with H[uman] R[esources] and your boss though."
"This a-hole will do the same thing to someone else and there should be a record of it."
"If you’re at a big enough company, the bad press they would get if the media found out might be worth getting rid of him."
"I would absolutely tell my boss nepo hire is a liability and sending the wrong message about how diversity is accepted at that company."
"I’d snitch to his uncle too."
"Honestly, as someone that’s been in your exact position, I regret leaving on a good note and using the high road after I was accused of getting hired for being the 'token Latina, and a woman on top of that.'"
"I wish I had gone scorched Earth."
"I got pushed out of my job anyways, being gracious just made it easier for the racists."
"Best of luck!" ~ saurons-cataract
"I get wanting to do this but these type of things are not cared about in the media and on top of that you think the CFO is going to care about how he's treating an entry level employee?"
"The nephew's embarrassment is enough to keep him in check for now."
"But really she should contact a lawyer to leave a paper trail as that would be her only real recourse and really only as a contingency if they get rid of her."
'HR will do nothing, likely the CFO will retaliate in an 'above board' way to get rid of her or worse blackball her to the industry."
"This is way too dangerous of a position for her and I absolutely hate to say it but she really should have been more careful with her words no matter how righteous they were."
"While caution was more prudent, judgement is still NTA by the way." ~ Key_Break_9312
"You are 100% NTA."
"But you need to report him to HR immediately, regardless of what he said."
"This guy is supposedly connected to management and he's both harassing you based on at least two protected classes (race and gender) and throwing in sexual harassment (the bimbo) line."
"He's now threatening to take YOU to HR. You can't let this stand."
"If he goes to his uncle and takes uncle to HR before you get your story out, it'll look like you're making up your accusations to get back at him."
"Realize though that this is going to make things tough in the company for you."
"It seems your coworkers might be backing him up, which is very troubling for you."
"You have to decide what to do, but you need to get in front of this narrative because this guy will never let it go and he WILL, at some point in the future, start to come after you." ~ ErikLovemonger
"NTA. But move NOW."
"Get your butt to HR and take control of this situation."
"Also take responsibility for what you said."
"Get everything out in the open and ON THE RECORD."
"Seriously--move now on this." ~ ElKristy
"I am a black woman and I understand how you feel but please find a way to document this."
"Even if you email him saying that you wish that you two could have gotten off on a better foot but the things that he said were inappropriate and insulting."
"Let him know that it is probably in both of your best interests to not communicate unless it is directly related to the job so that we can avoid any further miscommunication 'as I’m sure you didn’t mean to call me a diversity hire bimbo.'"
"You are already looking for work somewhere else so please just do this so he cannot spin the story."
"Then if you do get fired you at least have a case for wrongful termination."
"Make them uncomfortable with his behavior."
"Shake the f**kng table even if it is on your way out the door."
"Also don’t go out to lunch with that 'friend' again."
"She’s trash as well. NTA." ~ Disastrous_Impact_25
"All of the responses following yours under this particular comment are absolute correct about still reporting this incident to HR even if seeking newer employment."
"And keep an email trail - even though sent emails are shown in the SENT folder but I don't even trust that so blind send yourself because this needs to be in your records of this type of behavior at s company."
"This will serve and receipts, and I am always saying 'RECEIPTS ARE LIFE!"
"OP is NTA!!!" ~ bustakita
"NTA. Look, I would bet anything he respects you more now."
"He’s feeling insecure which is where that comment about 'you being lucky he’s not reporting this' came from."
"He’s desperately trying to gain the upper hand."
"I almost want to laugh."
"Honestly though, now that you fought back he’s less likely to bully you."
"I do think people are correct that you should get ahead of it and tell HR."
"That’s another thing—HE stands to face much more discipline from HR if he reports the conversation than you do."
"That why his reporting threat was a big bluff."
"Whatever you, take the win and don’t stress about this fool." ~ veni_vidi_dixi
OP, Reddit is here for you.
You deserve a non-toxic work environment.
Keep being your best and don't allow anyone to take your shine.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.