Generally speaking, when in the privacy of your own home, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Even so, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't think of your neighbors from time to time if you're being loud.
Especially if you share walls with your next-door neighbors.
Redditor fred_1980_ was growing increasingly frustrated by the noise coming from his next-door neighbors.
Particularly owing to what they were doing specifically and the room in which they shared a wall with.
When the original poster (OP) addressed his frustrations with them, however, he was greeted with anything but sympathy.
Wondering if he overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my neighbors to get a hotel if they want to 'do stuff' every night?"
The OP explained why he finally lost his patience with the noise coming from his next-door neighbors.
"I, 43 male have 6 children."
"4 daughters and 2 sons, age ranging from 16 to 2."
"All my daughters share a room, and my sons share a room."
"I'm aware that's a bit intense, but they're both quite big rooms, and they all enjoy sharing a room."
"Our house is connected to the next door and the neighbor's bedroom is on the same wall as both my kids rooms."
"Our new neighbors moved in about 4 months ago and not to be TMI but I swear they're always doing something."
"I'm not one to be confrontational, so I tried to just ignore it. I can sleep through the night fine."
"But a few days ayo my daughter (female 5) came into my room at 2am crying, saying she thinks the neighbors are fighting each other and that they were screaming."
"Of course l was concerned and told my daughter to stay in my room, I went into hers and low and behold they were screaming."
"But not from fighting."
"At this point I was irritated, if they want to do it every day that's their choice, but if they're waking my children up at 2am I think I have the right to say something."
"The next day I went over to their house and basically told the husband that 'if he's that horny he can get a motel or sh*g in the basement."
"He got mad, and embarrassed."
"He told me it was none of my business what they did in bed and then slammed the door in my face."
"I feel like I may have been in the wrong but they're also doing it, 6 feet away from 6 sleeping children with only a thin wall in between."
"I share custody of my children and only have them on Tuesdays and Thursdays as their mother and stepfather are in work those days."
"I want to make it clear that I had mentioned this to them many times over text, id told them that they can do what they want but that on those two days, id appreciate some quiet or for them to put on a TV show loud in the background so my kids wouldn't hear them specifically."
"They didn't respect those wishes and actually started doing it a lot louder on those days and also put on very loud (yk what) videos on as well."
"When I went to their house that was months into the situation and I had snapped, I have apologized to them for snapping, but I still feel as if they aren't respecting me or my children at all."
"Am I the a**hole."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on where they believed the OP fell in complaining to his neighbors and telling them to get a hotel.
Some felt that the OP was absolutely in the right to complain, as it seemed that his neighbors were intentionally trying to annoy him and should be more sympathetic.
"There's normally noise laws, and it seems like the neighbors are getting louder on purpose, just like if you have a super loud party passed a certain time, you can't blaire noises and purposely scream, to wake your neighbors kids."
"You've tried talking to them about it, and it only got worse, I would check on the noise laws to see if calling the police would help."
"Also I would be pissed if my neighbor put on corn and cracked it for my young child to hear, thats not appropriate or right in any way."- DazzlingTension5468
"NTA."
"Likely an unpopular opinion here, but part of living anywhere with shared walls is not being disruptive to the point of being an annoying neighbor every single day."
"Apartment, townhome, etc."
"fwiw, I would feel the same way if you lived in a single-family home and the people in the home next-door left their window open and screamed their brains out while getting down."
"Considerate people just don't do this."- Retired401
"NTA."
"They're having sex in their own house but their sound waves are entering your property."
"They are affecting you."- theblitz6794
"Honestly, if they are doing it louder, they want the children to hear."
"Call the police for noise disturbance and end it."
"That's disgusting in my eyes to get louder once you tell them it's waking your children."-Sloth_lover_1994
"NTA."
"I was in your shoes once and thankfully my neighbor was embarrassed enough to keep the noise down after."
"They purposely got louder, knowing full well there are kids on the other side of the wall."
"They are jerks."
"I am all for having a great sex life, but when you originally asked they should at least not have ramped it up to be disruptive on purpose."
"This is why semis/townhouses/apartments sucks."- Cabbage-floss
"This will be controversial, but NTA."
"If your lease has quiet hours and they're being loud after those hours, especially watching porn loud enough to be heard that a violation of terms, and the property manager needs to get involved."
"Watching porn loud enough for your neigbbors to hear is disgusting."
"You don't have to participate in their sexual fetish."
"Children or not, you should respect your neighbors and not be yelling and screaming all the damn time no matter the reason."
"I'm glad they aren't fighting but making that much noise is attention-seeking behavior."
"They probably have some fetish about being observed."- RampagingTurtle11
"I'm actually going to say that you aren't an a**hole for complaining about the noise."
"I suppose you live in an apartment, here where I live, you have a maximum of noise you can make outside of some hours where there can be noise that gets to the neighbors, and 2 AM surely isn't an hour where you can make noise."
"Imagine if they'd blast music at 2 am, EVERYONE would have said that they were being a**holes, but since it's sex, they don't."
"I get it that you can put music in headphones but the point is that 1 they can do it in other hours, like earlier and 2, they can avoid to scream out of their lungs."
"It's not like you don't enjoy sex if you don't make it obvious that you're doing it. It's called f*cking respect of others, independently by the cause, if you are disturbing at 2 am you are an a**hole."- MagicDog1234
"NTA they're weirdos for playing p mad loud and being louder purposely knowing CHILDREN are watching."- Regular-Chemist-7807
"Every morning 7:01am you get a hammer drill and... NTA."
"Anyone can do whatever they want in their room as long as it doesn't get out of the room."
"It's not appropriate to shag loudly next to children."
"Period."- LoanTime7570
Others agreed that the OP had a right to complain, but the OP could have handled it better, and maybe should have called the police or authorities and filed a proper noise complaint rather than simply complain directly to the neighbors.
"ESH."
The way you went about it wasn't the smoothest, yeah. Probably should've had a script or something.
"But no."
"'They paid for the house, they can be loud, it's just sex'."
"Just no, dudes."
"The first few times I had sex, yeah it was loud."
"But then, hey! I live in an apartment with others who can hear, so guess what?"
"We matured and lowered our voices out of common courtesy for our neighbors!"
"It's not 'stifling sex' or being 'prudish'."
"Literally, you can have an amazing love life without breaking out a megaphone...!'"- SenioritaStuffnStuff
"If its so loud kids are crying, just call the police for a domestic noise complaint."- Raindripdrop
No one should be prevented from having fun in their own home.
That being said, when you share a wall, being mindful of the amount of noise you're making is simply the polite thing to do.
Regardless of what you're doing or who lives on the other side of your wall.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp