What happens when a man decides that the baby shower shouldn’t include the baby?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) EbonySalamander when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for having a ‘baby shower’ and not inviting my pregnant ex?”
An interesting beginning.
“So my ex and I are currently expecting a baby and she’s 26 weeks along.”
What the hell are bants?
“I am the last/only person in friendship group and family (in my generation and above) who hasn’t had a kid yet so everyone’s quite excited and they decided to throw me a baby shower just for bants.”
“They’d told me they wanted to throw me one and asked if they should invite my ex.”
“I said no because, well no.”
“We’ve agreed to co-parent but we can and should keep some things separate if not necessary to include one another, and this was just with my friends and family.”
Things got heated from there.
“So they threw me this baby shower, and it was honestly quite some fun. It was all just jokes and bants.”
“We had a great lunch, had some drinks, treats, and the gift giving.”
“It was more of a celebratory party of me finally joining the parent club than anything.”
“We took a bunch of funny parody-type pictures of typical baby shower phtoshoots like one with my stomach out and my friends were feeling the ‘baby’ and one of me under baby shower banner with all the ballons and gifts etc.”
“These were obviously posted, and my ex saw them and didn’t like it, to say the least.”
“She thinks I’m a d*ckhead for having a baby shower 1) at all because I refused to throw her one or help contribute and 2) without her since I’m not the one pregnant and apparently the photos were sexist and insulting.”
“I get it but also don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some were conflicted.
“Idk kinda.”
“I think you did it more out of pettiness. She’s the mother of your child, and having her there would be co-parenting.”
“You should do what you can to help her bc that’s what’s ultimately best for your child. Don’t be surprised when she excludes you from future events.” ~ RareDub
“In my experience, children with parents who aren’t together get two events. Not two graduations or two weddings, but two birthday parties, two Christmases, two vacation trips.”
“Baby is going to have two households. Both households need clothes and diapers and strollers and wraps and cribs. The baby’s mom presumably has family and friends who will help her get set up.”
“Wouldn’t it be weirder for her to come to watch him open gifts from his friends and family? Or would you expect her to take everything home to her place?” ~ TychaBrahe
Others were less confused.
“Oh, my dude.”
“I am an old woman and am okay with getting downvoted.”
“But such YTA….you have a ‘parody’ shower.”
“WTHF….how fun for you.”
“Really, while another human being, that you don’t even like or deal with incubates your child.”
“Alone.”
“Without the support of said child’s father and his friends and their gifts….she gets….reads notes….nothing.”
“But she gets to read about your exploits all over social media.”
“How fun.”
“I can’t wait to see your parody labor photo shoot, your parody postpartum shoot, your parody milk coming in shoot, your parody colic shoot.”
“It seems your taking this whole parenting thing super seriously.”
“You realize that this other human; the one carrying your child, is going to be in your life until you die, right? Not 18 years.”
“Until. You. Die.”
“Weddings, graduations, visitations, illnesses, grandchildren, your partners are her business, her partners are yours.”
“This is not a great start.”
“I hope someone got you a parenting book. I can recommend some.”
“And maybe some counseling for you and your new life partner.”
“Because she is a life partner.”
“You can trivialize her, make fun of what’s happening. But a human is coming.”
“That human and human gestating deserve more respect. Is she eating healthy, what are you doing to support her? Causing stress is not support.” ~ NonniSpumoni
“Totally!”
“This is basically mocking her experience. Instead of being a good support system to the mother of his child he is more like she can kick rocks cause i dont care” ~ Fluffy-Scheme7704
“YTA.”
“You say you want to co-parent, but this is the very first event involving your child, and you are already fighting/not co-parenting.”
“You should’ve included your ex as this is a ‘baby shower’ not a ‘baby daddy shower.'”
“The gifts are for your baby, not for you.”
“Imagine when your child grows up, and you show him/her pictures of the shower.”
“What if he/she asks where their mommy is in the pictures?”
“You will literally have to tell your child ‘Well, even though it was a baby shower, it was really for me. So I didn’t invite your mom, even though she was pregnant with you.'”
“You absolutely should’ve invited her and had a co-parent baby shower.”
“If you felt you needed additional celebration for being a father, you should’ve done something else (a barbecue, a vacation, a dinner, a brewery, etc.) aka you should’ve done something that wasn’t in the form of a baby shower.”
“What makes me the most sad for your ex is, it sounds like nobody is throwing HER a shower. So she had to watch everyone throw you a baby shower, while her and the baby get nothing.”
“EDIT:”
“Some of you are spending so much energy disagreeing with my comment/asking me questions.”
“I’m not the one who asked if I was the a**hole- if you think OP is NTA, then leave HIM a comment saying so!” ~ pbd1996
“This.”
“The way he speaks about her makes it sound like he sees her as some irrelevant womb (& not even for hire!) – just a means to an end so that he can finally join the parenting club with his pals.”
“Absolutely zero respect for the woman carrying his child & the sacrifices she’s making to do that, as well as the physical toll it takes.”
“She must feel mocked & humiliated – like she’s just a cipher or an unpaid surrogate so that the main character can get a kid he didn’t have to work for. I can see her view, tbh.”
“A few celebratory drinks with pals is fine, but actually calling it a baby shower (complete with games & game bump pictures) & not even inviting her is pretty gross.”
“He’s made himself look bad here for sure. And actually, I suspect he’s glad it hurt her too. He’s definitely the a**hole!” ~ MCAlbertSquared
“I’m gonna go with YTA the baby shower and the photos will look like you’re making fun of her.”
“No offence but you don’t really deserve a baby shower just because you’ve got someone pregnant like yeah have a night out before you become a dad, but an entire baby shower and refusing to help your ex have one is quite sh*tty.”
“She’s carrying YOUR child and that’s 9 months of her body going through so much trauma and you refusing to help with any kind of baby shower even as an ex is kind dickish.”
“You’ve got 9 months where you aren’t even with her while she grows your child like I think she deserves something for that instead of you getting the baby shower when you’re doing absolutely nothing for the kid till it’s born.” ~ jessicaskies
For the baby.
“NTA.”
“The purpose of a baby shower is to support the new parent and for your support network to help you out with purchasing items that will be necessary for raising your baby.”
“Your baby is going to be raised in two separate homes, so I think it’s great that your friends and family decided to rally around to support you as a single parent instead of just leaving you to figure it out by yourself.”
“It’s really touching actually because it shows they’ll probably be there for you when the baby comes too.”
“Of course your ex is in the picture as a co-parent, and hopefully, you can support each other well in that moving forward, but you are allowed to celebrate and prepare for your baby without her.”
“It would be a vastly different story if you were still together.”
“I’m guessing her POV is that she should be celebrated for going through the pregnancy and childbirth, and I can see where she is coming from in that.”
“But I think if she had been invited to this shower she might also think she had a claim to whatever gifts your friends and family brought to help you prepare.”
“It could have turned into a worse situation if she were invited.” ~ alexrez123
Lots of disparate opinions on this one.
With so little information, it’s easy to start filling in the missing pieces.
How long have they been broken up?
Why did they break up?
Was he really mocking his ex or just goofing off?
Some problems are in the eye of the beholder.