When parents split up, sometimes one or both go on to new relationships that result in more children.
While their kids are related to each other by sharing one parent, the former spouse or partner has no familial connection to these new children.
But what if a parent steps out of the picture? Is it reasonable to expect an ex to step into a parenting role?
A teen whose father wants an ex to mother his new kids turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask for feedback after a clash with his father.
Background_Carrot694 asked:
“AITA for telling my dad it’s not my job to make sure my half siblings have a mom?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My parents divorced when I (17, male) was 5. I’m not sure why.”
“Part of me has always figured dad cheated on mom because he was with someone suspiciously fast afterward, like that same month fast, but my mom never spoke about it.”
“She just told me both she and dad loved me and that would never change and I would never have to choose between my parents. But post-divorce they are not close in any way.”
“My dad was in two live-in relationships post-divorce. When I was 7 he was with ‘Jen’ and had Luna (9, female) with her and then when I was 10 he was with ‘Bree’ and had Harry (7, male) with her.”
“Jen and Bree both stopped being moms to their kids and so my dad became a single full-time parent to my half-siblings. He did cheat on Luna’s mom with Harry’s.”
“But neither was into their kid when they lived with dad either from what I witnessed.”
“I think even if he chased them they would not want to be moms to their kids. He would be better off finding women who do want to be female role models or even mom figures to them.”
“Since then, my dad has tried to convince my mom she should step up and at least fill some kind of female role model relationship with his kids.”
“They do not have family from their mom’s in their lives. My dad never met their families or knew anything about them as far as I know.”
“No grandmother’s in the picture. Dad’s mom isn’t around and I don’t think he knows their maternal families… outside of their moms.”
“He corrects me on the half siblings term and says we are just siblings and if I were to call them just my siblings, it might soften mom’s heart to being a female or maternal figure for them.”
“He would ask mom on my behalf to let me have my half siblings over to her house during her custody time—my parents share equal time with me. He would claim I missed my half siblings when I was gone and he would claim I wanted to spend every holiday with them, etc…”
“None of this is true—I never said those things or implied them.”
“I mostly hang out with friends or work when I’m at Dad’s. When I’m not in school that is.”
“It’s easier. I don’t like going to Dad’s that much so it makes the weeks with him more tolerable to keep a busy schedule.”
“Luna is having a really hard time having no female family members.”
“She has a dad, two half brother’s and an uncle. So dad has been more forceful about mom’s part in all of this lately and now he is trying to rope me in more.”
“He sat me down recently and told me my half siblings deserve to have moms and I could help them with that, I could share my mom and let them feel the love they deserve to feel. He said I have always treated them like lesser siblings.”
“First with always using half and then with not trying to include them in my life at my mom’s house. He told me this is where my role as big brother needs to really take off.”
“In response I told him it’s not my job and has never been my job to provide my half-siblings with a mom.”
“I told him it was on him and their actual moms to do that.”
“And I told him it was sick how he kept trying to rope my mom in. I told him to accept that he only had one kid with mom and she was only obligated to care for me.”
“His answer to that was I was disappointing him with both my response and lack of concern for the overall wellbeing of my half-siblings and he told me to do better, be better and care more about my innocent little siblings.”
“I told my mom about it and she tore dad a new one for putting this on me. She told me I am not wrong in what I said to him.”
“But my uncle also said I could have more compassion for my innocent half-siblings.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.Â
“I told my dad it’s not my job to make sure my half siblings have a mom.”
“Reason why I feel like I could be an a**hole is my half siblings are innocent in all of this and maybe I could have a little more sympathy for them and my response to dad didn’t really show any of that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You and your mother have no obligation to provide a ‘mom’ to your half-siblings.”
“Your father is a moron to think his first wife needs to mother his next two children with other women. Your uncle’s opinion is irrelevant.”
“None of this is on you.” ~ HeirOfRavenclaw
“It comes down to the fact that dad doesn’t view women as individuals. He sees them as interchangeable and based on the services they can provide and the tasks they do.”
“Like an employee, not a person and not a partner. This is probably why his relationships eventually fail. OP is NTA.” ~ throwawtphone
“OP is absolutely NTA and his dad is being an a**hole for trying to push his children with other women onto his ex-wife. However I can understand why he would want a female role model for his daughter.”
“That doesn’t mean she has to spend weekends at OP’s mom’s or anything. Nor does that mean he should expect OP’s mom to take care of the half sister.”
“But I can understand why he would want to have an adult woman in her life.” ~ UCgirl
“OP’s dad is a real piece of work—as are his other two ex-partners—but none of that is something that OP or his mom needs to take responsibility for.”
“NTA OP, and word of warning: never let any girlfriends come over to your dad’s house. He’s sure as hell going to try and push them to ‘step up’ as well.” ~ FractionofaFraction
“NTA. So he’s not just dictating your feelings, he’s trying to dictate your mother’s feelings. He thinks she’s just going to love his kids with other women?”
“Someone should do him—and the world—a favor and fund a vasectomy for him.” ~ Noka_Gotha
“NTA. Your siblings would be fine without a mom if your father stopped pointing out that they’re missing out. Dad is just looking for a free babysitter.”
“But dad picked the mothers of these kids, and he chose poorly. That’s on him, not your mom.”
“It sounds like the best thing for you would be to just go stay with mom. Let dad figure his life out without putting any of it on you.” ~ teresajs
“‘Dad’ is looking to have her do all the parenting so he can check out of his responsibilities towards the kids. The underhanded way he tried to manipulate her and her child guarantees it and she’s knows it.” ~ No_Masterpiece_3897
“NTA. Does your dad collect kids? How on earth is it your responsibility to ‘share’ your mom, like that’s even a thing? Weird.” ~ LevelPiccolo3920
“NTA. Lots of kids grow up fine without moms. Because their dads care about and nurture them. Your dad needs to step up.”
“If he wants more women in his daughter’s life, he needs to help make those connections. And not by pressuring your mom or dating one.”
“Where are their grandmothers? Why isn’t he finding their grandmothers or aunts or cousins?”
“Where are the trips out with Big Sister organization mentors? Or any other nonprofit that helps kids with mentors?” ~ Meghanshadow
“Your father is truly incompetent when it comes to making life choices… Based on this, it’s pretty clear he put zero effort into building a stable community/family network before knocking these two women up.”
“So it isn’t simply that he was unlucky and picked non-maternal women. He outright failed to make smart choices.”
“At any rate, what’s done is done. He had more kids without any supports in place. He doesn’t get to now whine about it or to try and bully someone he left into helping him now.”
“What he CAN do is put them in programs. Girl Guides, sports teams with female coaches, dance or swim classes, whatever. He failed to create an organic network through family connections, now he has to buy one for his kids.”
“Your dad needs to stop trying to bully you/your mom and start spending money to enroll his kids in programs asap.” ~ thoughtandprayer
The OP can be sympathetic to his half-siblings’ plight, but he can’t force his mother to become a surrogate parent for them.
That’s her choice alone.