No matter how many baby books a new parent reads, no matter how much advice they listen to, or how many parenting classes they attend, there will always be some surprises in those early days of new parenthood.
And there will be people who have thoughts about how the new parent handles the surprise, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit.
A new stay-at-home mom of triplets, Redditor TripletsMom0 was learning her limits when it seemed like her babies could not stop crying.
But when her fiancé called her neglectful for taking a beat, the Original Poster (OP) thought she was failing at being a mother.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for leaving my babies inside by themselves?”
The OP was getting used to her new life as a mom.
“I (20) am a mother of triplets who are only two months old. I never expected ever in my life that I’d be a mother to triplets, so when I first became pregnant, it was definitely the last thing on my mind.”
“I’m home with my babies all day long and even had to transfer my education to online classes. I’m now a stay-at-home mom.”
She was learning what her limits were as a new mom of three.
“Sometimes I just need some fresh air, especially when I can’t get them to stop crying, and I find myself getting super frustrated to the point of tears.”
“It’s honestly so hard, and their dad isn’t here to help as he’s either at work or at school.”
“My fiancé’s (24) parents rented us a main floor apartment, so when I step outside, I’m literally just sitting on the chair right beside the front door. I also have a baby monitor step up in their room, and it has a camera on it, so I can literally see them and hear them, so if anything happened, I’d be able to quickly get to them.”
“Being able to step outside for a few minutes to take a breather is really important to me, because I start to have mini panic attacks when I can’t get them to stop crying, and I get really frustrated because I just feel super overwhelmed.”
“Being able to go outside just gives me a chance to calm down.”
But the OP’s fiancé did not see it that way.
“My fiancé came home to me sitting outside while the babies were crying.”
“He freaked out on me, calling me a horrible mom and a bunch of other names that I’m not gonna list here. He thinks that I was being super neglectful and putting the babies in harm’s way.
“He even told his parents, and now everyone seems to be really against me.”
“I grew up in the system, and my fiancé’s family is the only family I have ever known, so it breaks my heart that they are so upset with me.”
“But I really don’t think I was doing anything wrong or putting my babies in harm’s way, though they seem to think otherwise.”
“So here I am, wondering if I should apologize for my actions, or if I am the A-hole in this situation.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for knowing her limits and taking care of her babies.
“Dad came home to three crying, ALIVE babies. You were with them all day and kept them fed and clean, and you had a monitor on them while just feet away from them.”
“You are a tired, amazing, NTA mom of these babies. Carry on, momma.” – KittenSnowMittens
“I would strangle my cousin if I ever heard him talk about his wife this way.”
“The way OP got treated by her husband is abusive.” – Castro3man
“He is TA, AND any other family members giving her grief. Even an hour, three newborns, they’d be freaking out.”
“OP, please tell anyone who is giving you a hard time to come on over and help.” – stringtownie
“This is the real question for me here: all these people who presumably care about these babies need to come on over and help.”
“Two months old is still an extremely needy age, and playing 1-on-3 is a losing ratio. Some of these other adults should be pitching in if at all possible.” – ViscountBurrito
“NTA. When I had my baby one of the things the nurses told me repetitively while in the hospital and during the home visits is that if she is crying and I know she has been fed, she has a clean nappy on and she isn’t sick, and I am getting stressed out, it’s okay to go outside for a few minutes to just recollect myself.”
“Their exact words were ‘a crying baby is an alive baby.'”
“They tell you this because it is better for a baby to be left to cry for a little while and for the parents to get a breather, than for parents to wig out and hurt their babies in frustration.”
“This advice was so important. It allowed me to do what I needed to do without feeling guilty. And those few minutes really do help in those times when they won’t settle. And I had one, let alone if I had three.” – Important-Lawyer-350
“The main difference between an abusive parent and a non-abusive parent is the non-abusive knows when to separate themselves from their child.” – Witchynana
“I see an emotionally immature father who is likely sleep deprived and who overreacted terribly.”
“OP, NTA. Our mailbox is at the end of our street (four houses down). When my youngest was tiny, I’d put him in the pack-n-play bassinet while his brother napped and walk down to the mailbox. Sometimes I’d even chat with our next-door neighbor for a moment.”
“Those five minutes outside in the sun made ALL the difference in the world to make me feel human.”
“OP, you are in the thick of it right now, and you will be for quite a while. The babies are not neglected. They are safe, and you are with them. It’s no different than if you were in the living room and they were in their room. If they are in their cribs, turn off the monitor for a few minutes and breathe. Just breathe.”
“To your fiance: Dude, back off. She is not harming the babies or neglecting them. She is taking a human moment to help her feel sane. She is there if there is a problem. Sitting outside on the porch is no different than sitting in the living room or going into the bathroom.” – sometimesblessed
Others said the partner needed to take care of the babies before he could make comments.
“Your partner is TA.”
“Name-calling in particular? And public shaming to friends and family? That’s horrible.”
“Humans need breaks, or one can just snap. This is how shaken baby syndrome happens. Especially in sleep-deprived parents. And it’s literally proven in some bizarre study that baby wailing is one of the most painful to hear sounds in the world.”
“I can’t imagine having to deal with three wailing babies all by myself and have husband show up and call me horrible names.” – RainbowMoonstones
“Next day off he has. Go to a spa or just sit and relax with friends. While he deals with them.” – Embarrassed-Use8264
“I legit went for a massage and was out of the house for three hours at two months postpartum… I came home to a husk of a man, about ready to sob. He told me he couldn’t get her to stop crying… that she didn’t want him. I felt so bad… but it definitely helped with regard to him doing more around the house and with the baby.” – Party-Temperature161
“He needs to do it every day, day after day, for days in a row next time he has a break from school. Like whenever Spring break is. One day of baby care will never communicate the grinding fatigue.” – glycophosphate
“OP is doing online schooling so her fiancé should be doing school online while caring for the babies.” – S**tp0st_Supreme
“Honestly, I say to make him take a week’s vacation, and OP goes away during the day, only coming home at night as the partner would. Then, when he complains it is too much, he gets to go back to work and 1) realize how hard it is and 2) realize that OP isn’t getting breaks.” – Suitable-Biscotti
“Make it permanent. Mom can go back to work and school outside the house and have some of her life back, and judgy dad can stay locked up with three screaming infants for company. Then be called a useless, bad father when he gets stressed.” – Nice-Meat-6020
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“I decided to show my fiance this thread at first he was really upset with me for sharing our personal problems with strangers on the internet even though it’s anonymous.”
“But in the end, when he had a chance to calm down and hear me and all of you guys out, he actually apologized and promised me he’d be more involved with parenting and even is willing to take parenting classes which I’ll hold him to that.”
“I just wanna thank everyone for the support that you all give me it brought tears to my eyes (happy tears) seeing how supportive you all were to a stranger on the internet I don’t think I ever received this much support before.”
“I can’t believe how much attention this post even got… thank you so much.”
The subReddit was fully in support of this new mom doing what she needed to do to take care of herself, so she could keep taking care of her three babies.
Being a new mom is hard enough, but being a mom of three, while appearing to be pretty isolated, must be even harder.